


I Know, But I Don't

by crooklyn



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/M, Swearing, Takes place after the end of the game, eventual romantic relationship, four years later, very slow build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-05 04:39:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 49,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4166226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crooklyn/pseuds/crooklyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they return from the end of the road, Tommy (and consequently the town of Jackson) thinks they made it to and from the Fireflies in one piece instead of a million.</p><p>Ellie and Joel both know that wasn't the case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They get to the town gate, and Joel's casual side commentary and relaxed stance have increasingly become less and less so. He walks ahead of her, his posture defensive, like he's ready for a pack of wild wolves to jump out of the bushes at them. A tornado to come and swallow them whole.

The last thing she said to him was "okay," and that was five or ten minutes ago.

The gates are looming just ahead. She looks, _easily_ imagines herself going the dramatic route and thinking they're the gates of hell, but she's too exhausted. They're just gates. It's only a dirt path underneath their feet. The man in front of her is just a man.

But each step gets heavier and heavier. And pretty soon she's trudging, like they're in a swamp up to their knees in murky, black water.

"Joel." She says. She doesn't mean to sound so short with him, but she couldn't wane off that if she tried. He turns and stops immediately. "What?"

She words this carefully. "What's Tommy gonna say?"

He turns so that she can't see his face, and he studies the path before them. She shuts her eyes, takes a deep, deep breath until her lungs can't possibly take in anymore, and lets it out before she bursts.

Joel says, quietly, "Reckon we'll find out. Just let me do the talkin'."

Now where has she heard that before? Ages ago, when they were in Bill's town. Joel was explaining to her the kind of guy Bill was, volatile and hostile to strangers. Why is he saying it now, though? What does he think she'd say that would upset his brother?

She knows, of course she knows...she feels too tired to think about any of this.

She's been looking at the ground so long that she doesn't even realize they're at the gate until Joel stops ahead of her and puts out a hand to keep her behind him. She follows the angle of his head--he's looking at a guard standing above them in a small watch tower to the left of the entrance. "Mind telling me who you are?" The guy shouts from his post. He has his gun trained on them. Man. Could that not happen for like, a _day_?

"Came here last fall," Joel yells to him. "Saw you guys get the plant back into motion, saved your asses from bandits. Had to leave for a little while, but we're back now."

"And who's she?"

"She's with me."

The guard studies them for a little less than ten seconds, but Ellie already senses Joel's impatience. He leans his weight on his back leg and turns his head to the side, clearly ticked off about something.

"Wait there a second," the man shouts. He disappears.

"C'mon, baby girl." Joel murmurs, walking ahead resolutely.

The nickname, the absentminded way he says it, is an absolute punch to the chest.

They stop a few feet before the gate. A few minutes pass before a resounding creek disrupts the air's stillness, and the same guard pokes through. What was that game Winston once told her about? Whack-a-mole? That's what he looked like just then.

"You should've told me Tommy was your younger brother. Didn't recognize you at first." The man is in his early thirties, blessed with a full head of thick, dark hair. He opens the doors a little wider so the two of them can pass through.

"Reckon I should've," Joel says. He waits until Ellie's through to keep walking. "What's your name?"

"Earl. Earl Whittaker." Earl offers his hand after securing the doors shut, his fingers greasy with black residue from the gate walls. Joel takes it. "It's nice to meet you."

"Who've we got here?" Earl asks. He turns to Ellie and smiles, his teeth an unusual shade of white. ... _How_?

 _Jesus. Stop staring at his teeth_. "Ellie. Nice to meet you."

Too late. Something in her expression must've given her away. "Wondering how I have such nice pearly whites, eh?" He asks. Nothing about his tone suggests he's miffed or offended. In fact, there might be a chance he sounds amused, but Ellie flushes the slightest bit. "Sorry. They're just... _white_."

"S'alright. The truth is I'm absolutely anal about oral hygiene. I brush my teeth three times a day, even make my own floss. Weird, huh?"

"Just a little bit." She finds it easy to slip on the spunky attitude for this kind stranger. She doesn't want to show him the side of her she's been giving Joel, the side of her she can't seem to shake off even when she tries. She happens to look over at Joel that second, and catches him watching her with something almost resembling a smile. It's gone as soon as it came.

"Yeah," Earl continues. "Fuck if I can help it. Fucking OCD. Anyway, you guys wanted to see the T-dog?"

"That'd be great." Joel says.

"Alrighty then. This way."

 

Ellie wonders why the hell Tommy isn't even the least bit suspicious. Then again, he doesn't know about the two and a half months she spent making sure Joel didn't die. He thinks they made it to the Fireflies in one piece instead of a million, maybe spent a few weeks there taking blood samples. 

Ellie wishes that were true more than anything, more than a lot of things. 

"I thought I wouldn't see you for a year, maybe two." Tommy says, backing away from an old jeep with a wrench in his hand. There isn't an ounce of misgiving in his tone. Joel, who hasn't had any trouble staying somber and removed the past five minutes, smiles widely at him. 

"Tommy."

Ellie looks away when they embrace. She can't believe it. He's showing up to his brother. He's about to pitch him. 

Tommy, for the first time, addresses Ellie directly. "Hello. Don't believe I've properly introduced myself." 

"Hi," Ellie takes his hand and they shake. He has a kind way about him, but Ellie isn't at all comforted. She feels decidedly _un_ comfortable. Something is radiating off of Joel in waves, but she doesn't know what it is. 

"So? How'd it go?" Tommy asks her. It's not that she's unprepared to answer the question. She's had this answer mapped out in her head for a while. Ellie's about to say, "well, Joel can tell you more than I can," when the man himself cuts in.

"Actually, figured I'd talk to you about it somewhere private. You gonna make us stand out here all day, or what?" 

Tommy's eyes slowly travel over to Joel, whose standing even closer to Ellie than he was before. For the first time, there's some distrust on his face. He knows Joel, probably even better than she does. 

"Sure. About time you guys got a tour, right? This way, come on." 

He puts the wrench in his pocket and shuffles off. Joel follows, then Ellie. 

Tommy and Maria's town, Jackson, is the cleanest inhabited town she's ever seen. There's a family talking amongst themselves on a porch, a few people milling around, a dog playing with a little boy on a dirt path. It's quiet and strangely quaint. The lull of Tommy's voice, the way he talks so openly about it, him and Maria's plans, the dam, melts Ellie's stiffness a little.

"Sorry Maria ain't here," Tommy calls over his shoulder. "She's down fixin' up the fire pit. Always somethin' gotta be done around here."

It's so weird, but there's a little bit of social anxiety in seeing this place, too. It's been just her and Joel for a whole year. She hasn't talked to anyone (besides him) in months. She didn't even have a chance to speak with Marlene back in Utah. 

"What do you think?" Joel asks her. He's slowed his pace to match hers. 

"It's nice." Ellie's voice is grossly cheerful. Well, maybe not cheerful...peppy. Whatever remaining words she has get stuck in her throat. That's been happening a lot, lately.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She's not sure what else he wants her to say.

 

"What you want to discuss. I'm guessin' it got somethin' to do with the Fireflies," Tommy says evenly. Joel gives him a nod.

"Best get Maria, then. Go ahead and wait here." He leaves through the open door, leaving Joel and Ellie to themselves.

Tommy and Maria's house, which Tommy'd said earlier they share with her father, is open and warm. There are actual, usable linens on the windows, and pictures in frames hung on the walls. Real pictures, void of any wrinkles or yellowed edges. Ellie walks up to one and stares at it, amazed, one hand holding the strap of her backpack.

"Is this...this is what all houses used to look like?"

Joel, who's been studying it himself, says, "Pretty much, yeah. You never saw a house that was looked after in Boston?"

"No." Ellie's hand reaches up to touch the frame. "Nah, I couldn't. I only saw the dormitories or, you know, big buildings."

A few moments pass in silence, Ellie's eyes drifting from the frame to the fresh white paint on the wall. Nothing is chipped or fading--all new, all untouched. She whispers "Jesus," without thinking.

So, this is what she's been missing. White walls and picture frames. It's so fucking bizarre--that these small, simple, fucking insignificant things are such a shock to her. They feel like nothing she's ever physically felt with her fingers; they are homey and, like Joel said, _looked after_. Like someone actually put effort into their appearance, and that effort has filled it with something. And she's almost annoyed by it. Maria and Tommy have frames for fucking flower pictures, but the one of her and Riley she had to hang on the wall with a piece of dirty tape. The world isn't fair.

She turns, and Joel is right next to her.

"Ellie," he says.

"What?" She asks, and suddenly, she grows very alert. That tone is one he uses when something bad's about to happen. He has the same kicked puppy look he had when they were in the Salt Lake City quarantine zone and he'd just asked her if she _really wanted to do this_.

"Here they are," Tommy says as he enters the room with his wife. Whatever moment they may have had is stomped out, or at the very least, put on hold.

Joel slowly steps back from her, like she's a stack of hay with a lit match thrown in it.

"Hey, Joel. Ellie," Maria nods. She gives Ellie a smile, and despite everything, Ellie finds it in herself to smile back. "It's good to have you back."

"Thank you," she volleys automatically. And here she thought she'd be sullen and removed from everyone they talked to. She looks to Joel, wondering if he'll return the perfectly fine greeting, but he has that apprehensive look back on his face.

Maria steps further into the foyer. "You like the place? My dad and I put a lot of work into it. Started five years ago...finally finished last week, I think it was."

"Oh yeah, it's super awesome. Where'd you get all the paint?"

"Found a few gallons in the back of an old pick up truck. Unbelievable, right?"

"And lucky," Ellie says. She pats the sides of her hips and makes a show of looking around, appearing impressed. Maria turns to Tommy.

"You want to...?"

"Yeah, of course. Joel, I figured we'd talk upstairs. I got an office up there."

"Office, huh?" Joel jibes good naturedly, but his eyes stay on Maria.

"Hey, business man's gotta have his own space to do his business things. Isn't that right, brother?"

"Never pegged you for a business man."

"Sure, you didn't." Tommy chuckles. He places a hand on the small of Maria's back and leads her up the stairs. Ellie proceeds after them.

Until, sure enough, a large hand reaches out and stops her. Ellie grits her teeth. Why the _fuck_ is she surprised. "I'm gonna need you to stay here," says Joel. 

He looks guilty.

"Joel," Ellie looks at the ground, incredibly hurt.

He puts a hand out to calm her, stop her, she doesn't even know. "Tommy was with them for years. He ain't gonna believe this just like that. I need time to talk to him."

"You want me to just stay here? Like a little fucking kid?"

"I want you to stay here for me. Okay? Just...please."

Ellie nods and turns for the door, stomping a path to the porch. He wants to treat her like a fucking nine year old, that's what she'll give him. Fuck this.

And if tears happen to well in her eyes, she'll blame it on spring allergies.

"Don't go far, you hear me?" Joel calls out after her. It's just an incentive to walk faster.


	2. Chapter 2

Years ago, when she was still at Boston Military Prep and Riley was there with her, Ellie remembers waking to find Marlene at her window. It was the middle of the night.

After making it outside and into the first floor of an evacuated building a few blocks away, they found themselves sitting across each other at a makeshift table, Ellie playing with a rusted dime because she didn't know what the fuck else to do. But, Marlene's visits were always like this: awkward, unnecessary, unexpected.

Despite Ellie's reassurances, she kept at it for her own reasons.

"Where'd you get that?" Marlene asked, pointing to the coin in her hand. Ellie dropped it on the table instinctively.

"Um, just on the street."

It might've worked, if she was good at lying. (Or, if she was good at lying to _the leader of the Fireflies_ ). Marlene sighed and sat back in her chair, her shoulders heavy with exhaustion, burden. Even in the dull candlelight, Ellie remembers thinking, _when did her hair get so grey_? She also remembers thinking,  _oh, shit. Here we go._

"There's a reason you're not allowed to sneak out. It's dangerous."

Ellie nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I know."

"Why do it, then? I just, I guess I don't understand,"

"Yeah, well, why would you? You barely know me, Marlene." 

Marlene hesitated as if she were about to protest, but instead, she shrugged, and conceded, "Touché." Her thin fingers began to drum against the table top. "I take it things haven't been getting easier, then."

"No." Ellie looked at the floor. "No, not really." 

"You know, I'm not surprised." 

Ellie felt that trademark flare of indignation, and it was so often her downfall at BMP that she almost bottled it down. Not this time. "And what the hell's that supposed to mean?"

Marlene smiled. "Your mother. She was the same way." In a rare act of femininity, she brushed her hair behind her ear, leaving her fingers pressed to her lip, and looked at the floor. "She loved doing shit like that."

Ellie, who'd been ready for an all-out argument seconds earlier, didn't have anything to say in return. For whatever reason, the words left her feeling vulnerable. 

Marlene continued, "The first time I knew you were gonna be just like her was when you were a baby, actually. You wandered around, always. Trying to get from someplace to someplace else all the time. And I thought, 'oh shit. She's Anna. I've got another Anna on my hands.'" 

She chuckled tiredly. "And it seems I still do, huh?" 

There was a pause, and Ellie took advantage of it to swallow the wave of pain she felt whenever Marlene mentioned her mother. To distract both of them, she said, "Next time, you should bring cards."

The next day, with Riley curled at the foot of her bed, Ellie told the story from her desk.

"Cards, Ellie? Really?"

"Riley, I didn't know what the fuck else to say." She leaned back in her chair, blowing her lips at the ceiling. "She visits every...six months? She wanted to connect, or whatever, so she sprang my mom up on me. That isn't even close to fair."

"I would give anything to talk to her. I'd ask her a whole bunch of shit."

"Yeah? Like what?"

Riley smiled like she was joking, but her voice told a different story. "Like when are they gonna come and obliterate this damn school."

 

Maybe, Ellie thinks, this is why venturing out on her own is like coming home. Apparently, she's done it all her life.

She's been walking through town for a few minutes, trying to even out her temper and ignoring the curious glances, when she spots a teenage girl struggling to lift something off a porch. It looks like a huge plastic bin.

Ellie hurries over to help her.

"Need a hand with that?"

The girl's hair (the first thing Ellie notices) is dark and curly. She's a little bit stocky, and the shirt she has on is too loose on her. Somehow, she's managed to scrounge up some black nail polish and paint her nails. She sees Ellie approaching and stops trying to lift the bin, leaning on it and wheezing.

"You know what?" She huffs. "That'd be great. I don't know where the fuck my sister is, she's supposed to be helping."

"It's alright, I got it." Ellie heads to the other side of the bin and feels around for a spot she can grab onto firmly. "Wait a minute. Just need to catch my breath," the girl says.

"Sure," she steps back awkwardly. When the girl shuffles toward the porch steps and collapses on one of them, she gladly follows her lead, sitting gingerly on the chipping wood.

"You're new,"

"Yep. Well, I visited here a while ago with...a friend." That's the word that's most appropriate to say to a stranger. "And now we're back, I guess."

"Is your friend the old man with the beard?"

"Yeah. He's actually Tommy's brother."

She slaps her knee. "I _knew_ I saw a resemblance. I saw you guys pass through here earlier." She turns her head to survey the town, so Ellie does too. Again, it's...peaceful.

"I'm Rose." Ellie blinks and there's a hand thrusted in her face. She takes it.

"Ellie. Where the hell'd you get this cool nail polish?"

"In a drawer in one of those houses. I could give you some, if you want."

Ellie's face lightens of its own accord. "Really? That would be...awesome. Thanks."

They spend a few seconds looking out in silence. "You know, I've never met an Ellie," Rose observes.

"Yeah, well...I've never met a Rose."

Rose looks at her and smiles. "You know what'd be funny? If my name was Gertrude."

"I actually have met a Gertrude."

Hearing someone her own age laugh brings some unexpected relief. Their banter continues for a few peaceful moments: _no way, are you fucking with me? Yeah, I'm fucking with you._ It's nice, to say the least.

 

Ellie helps Rose move three bins full of fabric some doors down to an old woman named Danny. Danny, as it happens, is a master seamstress. And as it happens, Ellie is in desperate need of some shorts and long sleeves. As soon as it's possible to do so without seeming impolite or out of place, Ellie wants to ask her if she could spare a few pairs of each.

Ellie suspects Danny has a lot to say about how it was before the outbreak. If she's made it this far (a whooping _eighty years_ ), she has a past. Everyone older has a past, it seems. She doesn't say much, but maybe she'd make an exception for a curious fifteen year old girl.

As her and Rose take the walk back to Rose's house, Rose tells her how they managed to collect all the fabric.

"We have horses and two cars with a good supply of gas, so we can travel pretty far. Wyoming has a lot of abandoned towns that haven't even been _looted_ yet."

"Have you ever been on one?"

"A horse? Yes. I've never been on a supply run, though. Maria doesn't let you go if you're under seventeen."

Ellie asks her a few more questions, about the town, the people, hoping she isn't coming across as too intrusive. She gathers there are around seventy residents. Only about seven teenagers more or less her age.  

She sees Rose's porch ahead, and decides it's time to head off for Joel. 

"Alright, I gotta go."

"Bye, Ellie. I'll see you later."

She catches up with him standing on Tommy's porch with his arms crossed, looking out over the town. She heads toward him, slightly apprehensive.

"You got a new friend?" Joel asks her when she approaches. She scrunches her face in confusion and looks back. 

"How'd you know?...Oh," Rose's house is visible, albeit just barely, from where they stand. Leave it to Joel to pinpoint her from a mile away.

"Yeah," Ellie says, looking anywhere but him. "Rose. She's cool."

Joel is silent. "I talked to Tommy and Maria."

"Hmm," Ellie nods. "Glad I wasn't there to fuck everything up?"

"--And they _said_ ," Joel continues, exasperated. "That it's fine."

Ellie lifts her head up, just looks at the arms crossed over his chest. "Really?"

"Yeah. They're settin' some things up for us. We're all set."

"I guess...that's good."

She's a little bit surprised, that they can stay. _Well, what were you expecting?_ She guesses she was braced for the worst.

In light of recent events, (meeting the people she has, who'll she'll admit have lifted her attitude) she's...okay. With staying.

"Do you..." Joel clears his throat. "Do you want to see our house?"

He doesn't ask it like a parent, which Ellie really fucking notices. He asks like a person who respects her opinion enough to be vulnerable before hearing it. As if what she says will affect him, one way or the other. It causes Ellie to rethink her attitude, at least for now. She looks at him, and it isn't with anything but understanding.

No matter what, or how hard it gets, she will always come back to understanding him.

"Sure." 


	3. Chapter 3

The late afternoon gradually recedes, leaving only a chilling breeze and darkness, and Ellie's thoughts don't take her far enough away to drift into sleep.

The day was long enough, but her eyes remain wide open in the dark as she stares at the ceiling. Her fingers clench the _clean_ bedsheets, and that in itself is a whole new experience entirely. Clean freakin' bedsheets. Who would'a thunk it?

She keeps mulling over the same things again and again, and they're not as dramatic or blunt in her head: _there's something wrong. Don't know exactly what it is, but there's something_ wrong _. What did he do? Would I be able to see Marlene again if I wanted to?_ And the circle repeats itself, never unbroken, besides there being some variations of thought. Sometimes it's, _I know what he did to the Fireflies_. And sometimes there is, _no, I probably will never see Marlene again._

Half of her restlessness could have something to do with the fact that this is the first time she's slept in a good bed in almost a year, and it's too soft on her back. Yeah, that's it. Her back is used to cold, dank, dirty. Thin fabric laid over dirt or wood, grounds sprawling under blankets of stars as Joel shows her a few remembered constellations.

Her back is used to tougher times...but better times.

She wonders if Joel is asleep; she wonders how he's breathing. Shallow, the way he does when they're forced to shack up some place he's wary about? Or deep, when the day's been long and relatively lazy, and he's more at ease than he's ever been?

Her mind starts to wander off.

Wading out in freezing cold water to bathe, wary of being exposed, but safe in knowing Joel is nearby, looking out. Their hands brushing as he passes her random snack bars he's collected on the road. The last time she talked to Winston. Riley taking off her pendent, throwing it to the floor. Kissing her. It feeling damn good, and damn right. Hearing a CD someone managed to get playing down the BMP dormitory hall, flocking to it like everyone else on her floor just to sit and hear music for a change. Asking Joel what the fuck that weird fish thing was, him telling her it was a tadpole. Her thinking, _huh. You learn something new every day._

Jumping onto a bus with Joel trapped inside, panicked down to her gut. Feeling the water come up around her, an inescapable force, consciousness leaving her as she struggles for air that just isn't there. Laying down in the back of a moving car, her mouth tasting like copper, her head feeling like she got hit with a baseball bat.

The moment Joel told her _I swear_. The moment he said, _oh, baby girl_.

Ellie's so hurt and tired. A few things start occurring to her at once.

One: no matter how kind Tommy is, at the end of the day, he's _survived_ the past twenty years. He isn't naive. Maybe he was suspicious the second he saw Joel and Ellie in his town, both of them completely physically unscathed. Maybe he hid it for his own reasons.

Two: what Joel told Tommy and Maria in that room, she will never know. Maybe, things are better that way. She can't hear another lie from him. She doesn't even think she'll ask what transpired.

Three: maybe life will always be like this, from this point on. Crushing, guilt-inducing, but...whatever crushing guilt or sadness she feels will be the price she pays for staying.

And finally, four, the last one: a broken man entered her life. And maybe now she's broken too, for reasons altogether different, but the same. The thought comforts her and makes her uneasy simultaneously, so she chooses to simply ignore it.

After a few hours she slips into sleep, but it doesn't bring anything close to relief.

 

Someone's voice calls from far away. She thinks they're saying her name.

It enters Ellie's brain, but it doesn't register. She turns away from it, desperate to grab the few moments of sleep she has left until the day starts, until she has to face herself for another twelve hours.

"Ellie." The voice is more insistent, and a hand touches her shoulder. _Okay, okay._ She isn't sure if she said that out loud or not. She rolls onto her back and brings a limp hand up to rub and blink the sleep out of her eyes, her eyelids opening quickly and searching for Joel's face so that she can tell him five more minutes.

But it isn't Joel's face above her, it's Maria's.

Ellie starts and sits up, more in shock than anything. Maria puts her hands up in an _I surrender_ pose, then brings one finger to her lips.

"Sorry to wake you. I was thinking we could talk. Outside." she whispers. It's weird as hell to hear Maria whisper.

Ellie nods distractedly, feeling out of it. "Sure, yeah."

"Do you need to change?"

"No, I'm okay."

"Alright. I'll give you a minute. Just meet me out there," Maria almost-smiles hesitantly, and there's an exchanged moment of _okay, this is weird but we'll just go along with it_ between them. Ellie watches her silently move through the door and down the hall, clothes fresh and hair brushed.

She sits up and rubs her eyes, her shoulders hunched with exhaustion. _How early is it?_

The sun's morning light has made the room look different from when she first saw it yesterday afternoon. Tommy took both of them on a tour of the house: two floors, two bedrooms, one bathroom _with a working shower and toilet_ , and a kitchen that hasn't been stocked--but if they stop by the "communal inventory," they can bring back a small supply of snacks.

Ellie's mind was blown for lack of a better word, and whenever Joel looked at her to gauge her approval, she would give him a nod. That was all that was needed.

Joel's bedroom is across the hall from hers. He's probably awake.

All Ellie has to do is slip on her sweatshirt and she's ready to follow Maria outside. She opens her door and timidly walks to the stairs, stretching out her back. It's quiet as she heads down the steps, save for the chirps and pecking sounds of the birds drifting from the open windows.

And there are a lot of windows, some even with screens, which was just another shocker to add to the list.

She opens the front door and walks onto the porch, closing it shut behind her. To the right side she finds Maria and Tommy leaning against the railing, looking at each other and talking quietly. They straighten when they notice her, neither of them looking guilty, but...something like it.

"Good mornin', Ellie." Tommy says, and it's with a kindness that's reserved for strangers.

"Good morning." Ellie replies slowly. So, Joel isn't awake. Or, he isn't here. Was his bedroom door open?

"How'd you sleep your first night?"

"Great, thanks." She looks around. "Is...everything OK?"

Maria steps ahead of her husband and shakes her head. "We don't mean to worry you, or anything like that. How about we take a walk? Stretch out that sore back."

"How did you--"

"Trust me, I know how it is." So, Maria's been on the road then too, so to speak. "Come on?" She gestures out to the main dirt road that cuts through most of the town's houses, to Jackson. Ellie, despite how tired she is, doesn't have the heart to decline. She says, "yeah," and tries sticking to the _just go with it_ mentality.

"Alright, then. S'beautiful out," Tommy smiles at her. "Ladies first."

Ellie joins Maria down the porch steps, and as the three of them head off, she comes to realize that this is one of the weirdest fucking situations she's ever found herself in.

That's saying something.

Treading the soft dirt, Ellie thinks up something to say to keep the silence from eating at her.

"Do either of you guys know where Joel is?" She asks them, walking a little bit behind.

Maria turns her head. "We thought he could use a little extra sleep. Just us, for now."

"Oh." Ellie feels just a bit weird about this. Not in danger, but it's really a feeling she can only describe as...not with him. Vulnerable would be the proper word, or liable. Still, she walks on, because whatever this is, she can handle it by herself.

Jackson's residents, for the most part, seem to have risen. At least, the adults have. There must be tons of stuff to do around here, if this many are up so early. Most people they come across greet Tommy and Maria as if they're old pals.

And Ellie continues to think that she can handle this, even when they start approaching the out skirts of the town, getting closer and closer to the fence perimeter.

"Ellie," Maria says, slowing down her pace. She and Tommy share the briefest of looks before she continues. "We're going to need to talk about a few things with you. We only want to talk, but we need you to be honest. Do you understand? Can you do that for us?"

"Can I ask what's going on here first?" Ellie is getting to be the slightest bit on edge. It's out of pure instinct, and she knows it's ludicrous, but she subtly feels for the knife in her back pocket just to make sure it's there. It's a completely different situation altogether, and it's so ridiculous, but the feeling she currently has is the same one she gets when she sees a hoard of infected just ahead.

It's an _oh, no_ feeling.

At this point, the three of them have stopped. Now, they stand in a weird, private little circle, a small distance away from the nearest house, or person, for that matter.

Tommy says, "We wanted to bring you _here_ because...this might be 'little touchy. We'd like to think everyone here agrees this is best kept on the down low, for now." Ellie stares at him blankly. "Ellie, what we'd like to do is ask you bit more about the Fireflies. What happened in Salt Lake City."

"Just a few clarifications is what we need." Maria says, looking directly at her.

"Yeah. Pardon us if any of this seems...taboo."

_Oh, it does. It already fucking does._

"Ellie?" Maria asks, and she almost looks concerned. Ellie's been completely silent, closer to stunned. She barely knows them. She barely knows these people and they want to ask her about _this_? God, she doesn't even know if she'd be able to answer. She can barely--no, she can't--talk about it in her own head, much less to Joel's brother and his wife.

This also means something else: whatever Joel sold them, they didn't buy. She doesn't know how she feels about that, except that it leaves her with a bad feeling in her gut.

"What do you want to know?" She asks quietly. Her hands start to shake, so she crosses them.

"Well," Tommy dips his head. "We'd like you to tell us what happened, in your own words. That's it."

"That's _it_? What, you didn't believe Joel?" Just like that, the fire's started up again. It hasn't in a long, long time, but she is glad to have it back. There's something about the two of them confiding in her secretly this early in the morning, as if they're trying to turn her against him, that doesn't sit well. If that's even happening--but she's starting to assume the moderate worst in any situation. If anyone is even allowed to be doubtful of him, sneaky toward him in any way, it's her and her alone.

So, she doesn't feel guilty when she snaps at them, but they themselves certainly look half surprised.

"Listen," Maria says. The gentleness she used to wrangle her outside is gone. She's now completely serious, her stance straight and solid. "This is very important. One discussion won't settle things. We need your points of view, and then we're going to talk about it with both of you again to flesh things out."

Ellie takes a deep breath. "I'm sure," she says shakily, "That what Joel said is the truth. Did he tell you I was unconscious for...it?"

"He did," Tommy acknowledges.

"Then I don't know why you're asking me. I don't know anything about what happened." Each word is an added weight to her chest. "Joel was there. He would know."

She could've easily voiced her suspicions, the thoughts that've kept her up at night, eaten her from the inside out.

But she didn't. No, she couldn't have.

Now she feels like she's just cemented her fate.

"Ellie, I don't think you understand what's at stake here," Maria says, not rudely, but forcefully. "You're not in a normal position for someone your age. You have something that could change everything, a lot of things, and there's something here that doesn't add up. If you have something to say, you better damn well--"

"What she's gettin' at," Tommy sends her a warning look. "Is my brother's story didn't settle right with either of us. Remember, I was with the Fireflies for years, and I know the dynamic over there. I don't think there's a chance in hell that they would've just stopped lookin' for a cure."

"Well, I guess they did." Ellie glares at them. "You want to know the truth? I really, don't have anything else, to say."

"Look, I understand it ain't easy to trust a couple of strangers..." Tommy's eyes travel over her shoulder, and his face falls. "Oh, shit."

Ellie turns, and somehow her stomach drops and relief floods her at the same time.

Joel's slowly walking toward them, and she's never seen his face look so angry.

She watches his approach, glancing at her before his hard eyes slide over to the two adults next to her.

"Tommy." He stops a few feet from their circle, which has effectively broken off. Ellie would like to see what the three of them look like, because Maria and Tommy look like deer caught in headlights, and she feels like she's just been through the ringer and back. "What's goin' on here?"

Tommy walks around Ellie and removes some of the distance between him and his brother. "Joel. Maria and I figured we'd talk to Ellie this mornin', so we decided to wake her up. Let you sleep in."

Joel nods, and his hands twitch at his side. "I figured. Talkin' about the weather? It's beautiful out, ain't it brother."

Maria steps forward, sensing the threat, protective of her husband. "It was important to bring her out here alone. We wanted to hear what happened from her without her feeling any kind of... _obligation_ toward you." She crosses her arms.

"Obligation? What in the hell do you think this is?"

Tommy lets his hand fall between them, trying to mediate. "Listen, here. It's important we get all the facts straight before decidin' what's best for the community and what's best for the two of you."

"You bring _her_ into this--"

"Let's get something very clear here. We talked, and I told you I would be havin' a discussion with her--"

Joel snarls, "And I made it very clear that it would happen _with me there_."

"Joel," Ellie manages to speak up, but it's so weak. All three adults turn to look at her, but she only looks at him, and the lines of his face that are more noticeable in anger. "They weren't doing anything wrong. They wanted to know what happened."

She's full of paradoxes today. One minute she's criticizing Joel, the next she's defending him. Then she does the same thing for Tommy and Maria.

She'll need to lie down, after this.

"You do this again," Joel looks directly at Tommy. "There won't be another time to talk."

Tommy doesn't say anything, but he steps back and scans Joel's face, surmounting what he finds there. Maria puts a steady hand on his shoulder, shooting daggers at Joel. Ellie feels a prickle of shame travel up her spine, coloring her neck red. Was this her fault?

"You want to go back to the house?" Joel asks her, but it's not really much of a question, and she can tell he's making a considerable effort to even out his voice.

She nods wordlessly, because yeah, she would really like to do that. She'd really like to get out of here. He gestures his head at her to go ahead.

Ellie kick-starts into gear, striding past him, but something makes her look back when she's cleared a few yards. It doesn't look even close to right, Joel facing the two of them alone. She feels an incessant worry, not for the two people who are arguably the ones more vulnerable in whatever's going on here, but for the man who has his back to her, tensed in anger. Then, she asks herself, _what the fuck are you doing, Ellie?_ So, she stops to wait for him.

Joel's saying something to his brother and Maria, but she's right out of ear shot. She's more than surprised when he starts striding away, not in her direction, but for the direction of the fence gate.

Worried, she jogs back to the two adults he's left somber, and more than just silent. "Where is he _going_?"

"He just needs time." Tommy says as he watches his brother walk away. He looks more tired than she is when he faces her. "Thanks for talkin' to us."

They look ready to leave, but before she does, Maria touches a hand to Ellie's arm. "I'll see you later, kid. Go ahead and rest up, eat something."

"Let me or her know if there's anything you need," Tommy says. She doesn't miss what's on either of their faces. It's tiredness, and at the same time, resignation. Resignation is always wise, when Joel's concerned. But, she has a feeling that whatever this is isn't just going away.

She looks back, and Joel's gone from her view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is random and has nothing to do with TLOU, but I thought it was important to say that today, same sex marriage is officially legal in the United States. This is awesome!!
> 
> I hoped you've liked the story so far, guys. I'll try to post every week until it's finished. Have a good weekend!


	4. Chapter 4

She's been sitting in the small dining room for half an hour now. She knows it's half an hour because of the clock on the wall. 

She also knows what's going to happen if Joel doesn't come back soon: she will slowly lose her mind, develop a split personality disorder or something. Sure, it's an exaggeration, but if he continues to _not be here_  it won't be. She's taken out her knife and is scratching random things into the table leg purely out of habit, and about five minutes pass before she realizes that's not such a good idea. She flips it back and just sticks with jiggling her leg as a distraction. 

What if cell phones still existed? Ones that regular people could use, and not just the military. She's held one in her hands, but of course it was broken. If they did still exist, she'd be calling him right now and shouting things in his ear. The thought of her and Joel talking over a _cell phone_ is so ridiculous that she chuckles quietly. 

No, nope. She isn't just worried she's going to lose her mind, she has already.

If she is being honest, she's unsure of what she'll do when Joel comes back. She's angry enough that confronting him seems the only viable choice. 

"Shit." It only takes ten seconds of deliberation-- _what if he doesn't want me to? Ellie, when has that_ _ever stopped you_ \--before she's out the door, backpack slung over her shoulders. Her searching for him isn't out of obligation, or even worry.

It's out of instinct. 

 

Approaching the gate entrance earns her two grown men looking down at her from their posts, puzzled as to why a young teenage girl wants to go out in the woods alone. She's pretty distracted, but the condescending looks they give her edge her enough to piss her off.

"Look man, I have a friend who's out there," Ellie shouts to them, patient. Or, trying. "If you could just let me through, I can see if they're alright."  

"You new here?" One of them asks. 

"Yeah, got here yesterday." The next thing she says she would never say unless it was one hundred percent warranted, which now it is. "My friend's name is Joel. He's Tommy's brother. I asked Tommy if I could go after him, he agreed."

One of them raises his eyebrows. "How old are you?" 

"Fifteen." _Jackass._

A voice stops the two of them. "It's all good, Martin."

A third guy emerges from a little booth made up of sheets of plywood to the right of the entrance, with a magazine in his hand and a cigarette in his mouth. It's...Earl? Is that his name? She feels bad for forgetting, because she did only meet him yesterday.

"Ellie?" He asks.

Ellie nods, approaching him. "Yeah. And you're...Earl."

"Yep." He smiles kindly at her. She would really appreciate him remembering her name, and being a welcoming face, if she wasn't on a mission.

"I let your friend Joel," He shifts the magazine and cigarette to one hand, so he can gesticulate with the other. "Pass through about forty, forty-five minutes ago. He seemed pretty pissed. Everything alright?"

Ellie could say _yep_ , and offer up some excuse about joining him out there to pick berries or something, but that's bullshit, and she has a feeling Earl's got a built-in bullshit detector. And she trusts him, as much as she can trust a stranger. "Well...I figured I should go check on him. I'm kinda worried."

Earl's nodding before she even finishes. He turns and yells up to the guys: "Alright, let her through, boys!" 

"Sure," One says. Seconds later the doors open, without assistance from either of them. 

"Doors moving on their own?" Ellie asks, impressed. 

"Hell yeah. Electricity-run gate entrances front and back of the town, and an electrified perimeter fence. We're legit, man, I'm telling you." 

Ellie nods, bumping her fists together. "Thanks, Earl...I should get going, probably."

"Alright, see you. Be careful out there."

"Sure thing." 

She makes it a few yards before he shouts, "Hey, you need any magazines, we've got plenty of them!" 

She turns and nods, acknowledging the offer.

Emerging from the town gates, which close as soon as she's through, she faces the wilderness of Wyoming. There's a small dirt path absent of enough plants and branches to look like it's been traveled before, many times. She starts walking forward, because it's as good a direction as any.

It's nice to hear sounds other than people sounds. Birds, wind, insect sounds. She's missed them, because it's been too long since it was just  _those_ noises. They have been her travel companions for almost a year. 

Only a few minutes pass at most, and she finds him. 

He hears her sneakers snap the twigs and leaves on the ground, and raises his head from its spot hanging over his shoulders, elbows supporting themselves on his knees. He doesn't look the slightest bit surprised to see her, but he doesn't seem to welcome the sight of her, either.

"Shouldn't be out here. Turn on back." He shifts and looks out another direction, taken by his thoughts and the woods, a man sitting on the forest floor. It'd be nice to get him off that floor.

"No." She says it like, _what are you, insane?_

Joel's upper lip twitches in aggravation. "What're you plannin' on doing, then? Watchin' me sit here and think?" 

Ellie scoffs. She has better things to do than sit and watch him think. "How about you think inside the town? _Better yet_ , why don't you share your thoughts with me, for once."

Joel shakes his head, a hand held out as if to stop her. She waits for a few more discouraging words, but they never come. 

"What," she asks. "You got nothing to say all of a sudden?" 

"Why don't you go on. Talk to them some more." He sounds almost spiteful. He turns back to her and she gets the full brunt of his stare, which isn't all the way a glare, but it's close to that. 

"Are you fucking with me right now?" She makes a _what the fuck_ gesture with her arms. "What do you think I told them, that you killed them all?" 

The way Joel's readily-angry face flinches in the smallest way, the way his eyes seem to fill up with certain vulnerability, stops her dead in her tracks. He recovers, and breathes through his nose, but it's too late. 

Too. Fucking. Late.

"I know. I'm sorry." He says. His voice quieter. 

Oh my god. Oh my  _god_.

Ellie's arms drop to her sides and she almost sways on her feet, a sick feeling weighing her down from her head to her shoes. The shift is cataclysmic, going from _Joel either get back to the damn town or open your fucking mouth and_ talk,to _I'm going to throw up_. She bends over and supports her arms on her knees. 

"Ellie?" He's off the ground and by her side in an instant, blank with surprise. 

She gasps for air. "Oh my god--" 

He grabs her around the waist and tries to get her to stand up so that he can look at her, his movements a little panicked, and the physical touch is too much and she has to keep distance or else she's going to just melt down.  She struggles out of his hold, and he's so surprised that he lets her. 

"What are you even--" 

Ellie brings up her shaking hands to cover her eyes. "Oh, _fuck_ ," she whispers to the ground. 

He deliberates a second before he approaches again, putting a hand on her shoulder, making her _stay put_. " _Ellie_. What the hell is goin' on with you?"

It's enough to bring her head up from under the surface, force herself to breathe, and she pushes his hand away. It hangs midair at his side, and in his shock he makes no move to anchor it.  Ellie takes a deep breath, because this could be the most important moment of her life, and raises her head to look at him. His face has more emotion on it than hers, even though she hurts all over.

Steady enough to be strong, she steels herself. She doesn't know how long it'll last, but she'll use it while she can.

"I want you to answer me honestly." Ellie says, lowly. "And I'll  _know_ if you're lying." 

Joel steps back. He steels his expression, too. "Go on, then." 

They stand facing each other, like this is a western and they're about to draw their guns. It's almost comical, the way they're at such a stand off and neither is breaking eye contact. But no, it's not comical in the slightest.

"When I asked you about what happened." Her fists are clenched. So are her teeth. "Did you swear because it was true?"

Joel's eyes slide over her shoulder, and it's as if he's looking at something neither of them can physically see. She turns in frustration, searching behind her. 

"What are you _looking at_?" 

He glances back to her, his mouth in a hard line. "You don't wanna go down this road. Trust me." 

"Oh, you know that, huh? You know everything." Ellie huffs, stepping toward him. He goes back to looking over her shoulder, but the casual step back tells her everything. "Goddamnit. Fucking _look at me_ , Joel!" 

Joel does. His mouth is not so much open as not all the way closed, as if he wants to say something but doesn't know how to shape the words. His eyes, eyes that are so dark they're almost black, leave hers for the third fucking time. "What do you want, Ellie?" He asks sharply.

She shakes her head, because isn't it obvious? "I want the fucking truth from you, for once!"

"No." He raises his voice, and his eyes. "What do you _want_ , right now?" 

She looks at him like he has two heads. 

"To be happy." He says it quietly, almost like he's talking to himself. "Live out the rest of your goddamn life, die the way you should. The way every person should." 

"This has nothing to do with what I want." And she believes that with all she is. 

Joel opens his mouth again, but closes it at second thought. His eyes are angry, and hard, and sharp. "We're goin' back. End of discussion." He turns and starts walking back the way they came.

Ellie nearly trips over herself to run in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. "You said," (she has to take a deep breath, because her heart is beating five times the normal rate) "That you were never going to let anything hurt me. Remember?" Her voice wavers, because she's talking about the time he found her with David on the floor, his blood splattered like paint on her face. 

"This?" She points to no where. "You not talking to me, or being honest with me? _Hurts_ a fucking lot." 

Joel can't look at her. He pinches the skin between his eyes and puts the other hand on his hips. 

"If you want  _this_ to work? If you want me to stay here, with you and your family, you're going to have to start fucking  _talking to me_. Because that's what normal people do--that's what friends do. They fucking _talk_ to each other!"

Friends. She's doesn't know why she said that, when that wasn't even the first word that surfaced in her head. It's not like a different word surfaced, it's more like she had an inward hesitation. Because they are friends, but they're also more. She's not sure what more means, whether it's family or not. She has a feeling he wouldn't know either. 

She looks at Joel, because this is his chance to  _try_ , but he is stonily silent. And this is where she decides to give up. She can no more make this man talk than he can make her stop wanting him to; and this is an impasse they both have to work past, not just her. The disappointment floods into her like a tsunami, and she turns to walk back to camp, desperately removed. Whatever breakdown that'll ensue later, she will not have in front of him.

"They were going to kill you." She stops. "Marlene, the Fireflies, every goddamn person in the building." 

She thought she was braced for the worst, and evidently, it wasn't enough. The woods are so still, it's like they're the only people on the face of the earth.

Turning back around finds Joel closing his eyes, his arms crossed. "I've been around a long time. Seen some of the worst things...you can imagine." He exhales. "There ain't a lot of things that're gonna surprise me, Ellie."

He looks at her shoulders, not yet ready to see her face. " _That_ did." 

Ellie holds herself around the stomach, trying to keep herself together for this fucking conversation. 

"They knocked me out when I was draggin' us out of the water. I woke up in the hospital. Marlene tells me, 'the doctors've studied her, they've seen her immunity. The growth is special, we're gonna have to get it out.' I say, 'how? It grows on the brain.'" He rubs his eyes deliberately. "She knows, they all know that it'll kill you, and no one bats a fuckin' eye.

"I got two options. Leave alone, or with you. I chose with you. If I had to do it again, I would do it the same damn way."

Ellie is speechless, barely able to blink, to breathe. 

"They don't know what life is worth." Joel says."They think they do, but they don't. Now, I might not know shit about it either, but I know...it's somethin' worth hangin' onto. No matter what."

What speaks out to her so clearly when he says those words, is that he's talking about _her_ life. What it's worth to _him_.

She has never thought he was so selfish. 

The stability that allowed her to speak so frankly with him before quickly deteriorates. She warily looks around, spots an aging log behind him, goes to sit on it. She starts to cry. Puts her head in her hands, feels the tears pool in her dirty palms. "Oh, no. No no no." She says.

For a full minute, she sits like that, because it's a necessity to be able to sit still and breathe. She doesn't know what Joel's doing, and she doesn't much care. Finally, she hears the leaves rustling as he approaches her.

She's so surprised when he kneels in front of her, that she looks up, and they're at eye level. Her cheeks have tear stains, her nose is running, her eyes are sore. She can barely see through them.

Joel purses his lips in deliberation, and then slowly, he touches a hand to her arm. He looks so pained. "You alright?" 

"No." She says simply, wiping her face with her sleeve. 

The hand on her arm slides gently around her to her back, and he keeps it there, patting awkwardly. He's looking at the ground between them, clearly distraught in how to handle this. Her pain. Maybe his, too.

"...Marlene?" She whispers. There's some hope in her voice, because if Marlene's still here, this won't be as bad as it seems. If Marlene's still here, there will still be something she can hold onto. 

Joel's eyes reach hers, and she sees the apology there. She also sees a kind of cemented belief: just how far he's willing to go to keep her alive.  She's sometimes pictured in her head the faces of the people he's killed, and now she has to add Marlene to that list.

What an awful, terrible list it must be.

Ellie's lip quivers. She tries to build up a dam to hold it back, and quickly, but she can't. Tears begin to fall freely, drops of pain that run down her cheeks and onto her lap. Before she knows what she's doing, she falls forward into Joel.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," The words leave her lips and meet Joel's shoulder, and really, she has no part in it whatsoever. Even though he's the person beneath her, she is speaking aimlessly, and to no one. Maybe, she's talking to everyone, living, dead, infected. Maybe, she's talking to Marlene.

Maybe it  _is_ to him.  


"For what, Ellie," His voice is tight. So are his arms around her.

"Because I'm a bad person."

He breathes like he's been punched in the gut. Quickly, he recovers, and frames her face in his hands. "Listen to me. None of this is your fault. None of it."

Ellie nods mutely. Yes, it is.

" _No_." 

He might've been the one to have done it, and she might never be able to forgive that, but there is part of her she knows she will never confide in to anybody. It's a part that looks at what Joel did with nothing but gratitude, a part that feels something that is no where near shame when she thinks of what he did for her--what he will always do. 

If she could go back, she  _would_ die. Even if they still hadn't asked her, given her the choice. But she is grateful to be alive. 

The minutes pass by in hours, Joel holding her until she pulls away. He asks if she's ready to go back, and she nods. When they start trekking back to Jackson, Ellie does not walk behind, but beside him. Neither of them speak, neither of them want to. 

It's been a long day, and it isn't even noon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a perfect world, the conversation in this would happen in one of the next two chapters. It kind of wrote this way, and it just made sense at the time.
> 
> Anyway, as usual, hope you enjoyed this. To my fellow American readers, happy early 4th of July! Have a safe weekend.


	5. Chapter 5

Emptied out. Just a little bit hollow.

These are the words that come to mind whenever she sees the new girl walking through Jackson. Ellie. She sees her often, and talks to her sporadically, but it's the times where Ellie doesn't know she's looking that reveal much more.

Rose should learn to mind her own goddamn business--her dad and her sister have told her this since before she could talk. But Ellie is fascinating because she's quiet, and she observes much more than she omits. That's refreshing to see in a teenager.

Ellie's a listener. Rose respects this because she's a talker. She likes talking to Ellie, and judging by the way Ellie laughs, she likes listening.

But then there will be times where she'll shout "hey, Ellie," as she walks past just to be nice, and it's obvious she doesn't hear, even though they're not that far away from each other. She is usually looking at the ground, her arms crossed. And there's this pensive look in her eyes, like she's far away, troubled.

Distant.

Rose has seen this on a lot of people, including her older sister. It comes with the territory of...you know, living.

When her sister Emilia's fiance, Justin, died, she looked empty, dazed, for months and months on end. Both Rose and her father watched her, and when Rose asked him about it, he said, "This is what happens when you lose something you care about. You live, but you don't, really. Give your sister time."

Ellie must have lost someone. One of these days, Rose would like to ask her if something's wrong. She has a feeling that Ellie's the kind of person who thinks venting about something personal translates to bothering someone. She'd like to assure her that it doesn't mean that at all. Maybe one day.

Then there's Joel.

Rose won't lie, Joel intimidates her. He's an intimidating guy. She hasn't really met him, but she's seen him around, and Ellie introduced her once. Usually it's Ellie who's with him when he's out, but sometimes it's his brother, Tommy. From what she gathers, him and Tommy talk often. She'll see them walking around town, Tommy showing him something that needs repairing, or an empty plot of land where the town plans to build something.

They also argue often, she can hear them. But that's what siblings do. She knows that better than anybody.

Something else she gathers is: Joel loves Ellie. Maybe, and this might be the tiniest maybe she's ever conjured up in her head, he loves her as more than just a daughter figure. Maybe, he loves her as a do-anything-for figure.

Rose is just as observing as she is talkative, and there's something there she can't put a finger on. It's more of a sneeze of a thought, just a thing that popped in her mind in the span of a second.

Most definitely it's not _in_ love. But...it's just...pure, genuine _love_. The kind of love that can't be forged solely through biological relationships, but by two people who have experienced hell and back together. It's the way he looks at her when they're just walking through Jackson or she passes their house and both of them are sitting on the porch. The way he keeps her in his line of sight. It's not one hundred percent the protective instinct of a father.

She can't explain, but Ellie seems like...his sun. His center. And he orbits around her, constantly.

On Ellie's part, there are a few things she notices, too. She's fiercely protective of him, and treats what little he has to say with respect. That's another thing: he's not much of a talker. But it seems like he's always listening. In a way that's as if...he's always trying to get the angle on somebody?

Danny, the older woman whom she brings clothes to whenever there's, well, clothes to be given, is the same way. Calculative. She supposes anyone who's managed to survive the outbreak and beyond has adopted that same mentality. Then again, things might've been that way _before_ twenty years ago. She wouldn't know.

She also doesn't really know why she's taken up this fascination with the two of them. They're just two people, trying to make it any way they can, in a world gone to shit. She guesses it's because she's an inquisitive person, and they are the first new people Jackson has had in six months. Still--

"There you are. Are you in a thought trance again?"

Emilia steps out onto the porch, carrying two glasses of cold lemonade, with _ice_ in them, one in each hand. She walks very slowly toward Rose's rocking chair, careful not to spill any precious drop.

"Just made a few glasses of this. Rhonda's growing lemons in her garden, can you believe that? Here, set your book down and drink it with me."

Rose sighs exasperatedly, but does as she's told. "You're so demanding,"

"What can I say. _The Color Purple_ can wait, but these glasses of delicious, sugary lemonade cannot."

She sits up. "Sugar? Real sugar?"

"Well, I mean. Packeted sugar. Old, crusty sugar. But I'm sure it's still good."

Rose laughs. "Sure."

Once Emilia's settled down on the chair next to her, they both look out onto the town, illuminated by the sun of the afternoon.

"What are you thinking about?" Emilia asks, her voice kind of quiet. It gets that way sometimes, when she's sad, or when they're just by themselves, sitting like they are. It's a side she never shows to anyone but her, not even their father.

"Just the new girl. And the other guy."

"Ellie and Joel?"

"Yeah. Don't know why...just am." She shrugs and takes a drink.

Emilia whistles and makes an A-okay sign with her thumb and her forefinger. "Joel? _Incredibly_  attractive."

Rose chokes on the drink and lets out the biggest laugh of the day. She doesn't disagree.

Her sister chuckles. "And Ellie seems like the coolest girl ever. She's nice. Kind of quiet."

She's always trying to get her sister's opinion on everything, so Rose asks, "What do you think the story is with those two?"

Emilia shrugs. "I don't know. I feel like...they've been places."

Been places--definitely the words Rose was looking for. It seems both accurate and leads her to believe she isn't the only one who's wondered about the two of them.

"Yeah," Rose looks out at the town again. "Yeah, me too."


	6. Chapter 6

"...Three-- _now_ ,"

On Tommy's command, Ellie heaves all the considerable strength her body can muster into pulling on her own length of rope. It barely gives, and her skin feels oily with sweat, but if everyone can keep going so can she. There are about ten others surrounding her, Joel included, doing the same thing.

"Almost there, c'mon," Tommy shouts his encouragement. The tent itself is barely halfway off the ground, but they'll get it up there. Sooner or later.

Sooner comes, and it stands steadily on its feet, a few people rushing to make sure the supporting rigs are safely in the ground. Everyone bends over their knees or sits down, exhausted. Tommy and one of his wingmen, Samantha, were lucky to find this thing at all, but the damn thing is so old and heavy. The real cherry on top was the complicated system of ropes and pulleys, one that took twelve people to figure out.

Ellie's palms burn from the friction, and to get the sting out, she slyly rubs them along the cool skin of her stomach, under her shirt.

She sees Joel ahead leaning against his brother's jeep, trying to cool off like everyone else, and she heads towards him.

"Good?" He asks at her approach. Even he's massaging one hand with the other.

She nods. "I'll be good tomorrow when my body isn't aching."

He chuckles. "I hear that."

"Did it always take this long?" Ellie gestures behind them. "To set the tents up for the midsummer festival?"

The blank look on Joel's face confuses her, and what's even more confusing is the exhausted chuckle he lets out after. "Hey," Ellie can't help but laugh back. "What?"

The shake of his head plasters even more dark hair to his forehead. "There ain't any nation-wide midsummer festival. Did Tommy tell you that?"

Ellie rolls her tongue in her mouth. "He told me it was like Thanksgiving, or the Fourth of July. Huh," she says smartly. "Guess I'm gonna have to pay him back for that one."

Joel shakes his head. "And they were making tents easier to set up than this thirty years ago. Thing's gotta be from the forties, maybe circus era."

 _Circus era._ She's heard of circuses, sure, but really through her own research. It's kind of neat hearing from someone who knows about it because it was a tangible _thing_ at the time talk about it out loud. There are times when it really hits her, that her world is so different from what his once was, and it's easy to feel separate from everything and everyone. A little bit isolated.

Maybe that's just the heat talking.

She walks around him and pops the trunk of the jeep open. The shade it casts feels nice, so she climbs further in and sits with her legs dangling over the edge. "There's water back here, if you want it," she calls, after spotting a few bottles in a small cooler. What's his is hers, Tommy told her a few weeks ago. She might as well take advantage of that now.

Joel comes around the side of the car and holds his hand out. "Thank you."

"Figure there's gonna be lots of food at this thing?" She asks, when her throat's been coated with cold-enough water and her stomach isn't burning from pulling all that weight.

"Figure if you take up Rhonda's offer and help her in the kitchen once in a while, you'll find out." Joel dips his head and looks up at her, his smile telling her he's messing around.

"How do you even _know_ about that?" Ellie asks.

"How do you think? She asked me first."

 

Tommy tells everyone to head on back twenty minutes later. Ellie and Joel ride back in the jeep, both tired and groggy by the time he deposits their sorry asses at the house.

Joel follows her to the kitchen once they make it through the front door, catching a new water when she tosses it to him out of the fridge. The fridge. She still can't get over it.

The kitchen looks nice, dimly lit this late at night. Peaceful.

Ellie sits on the counter and says, "Fuck, so sore."

"Where?" He leans against the counter across from her, his chest still rising and falling from the hours of labor directly before.

"My neck and lower back."

"You gotta stretch it. I used to work--" He stops, abruptly. Ellie looks at him only briefly before looking down at the drink in her hands. Confusion quickly wears off. He was about to talk about his life before, when he still almost never does. And it would have been fine, she wouldn't have even thought anything of it, if he hadn't've stopped so quickly.

The awkward cough he gives makes the moment close to painful, but before Ellie can try to change the subject, he decides to plough on. "Used to work in construction. Was tryin' to open my own business, actually. I, ugh, if I didn't stretch the night before, whole body would just tense up. So stretch."

Ellie bobs her head. "Yeah, I will."

Joel eases away from the counter and walks tiredly for the stairs. She's watching him when he turns his head. "I'm goin' upstairs. Try to get some sleep, alright?"

"Right behind you," She lies. He nods and disappears around the corner.

Ellie finds herself sitting on the counter, alone. This late at night, when it's dark and quiet, she can almost pretend that this is the outside, back where the safety is never guaranteed. (And it isn't really guaranteed here, either, but that's not the point). Not that being outside, doing what they did for a year, is what she really wants to go back to. Jackson's turned out to be more than good, she's good here. He is too.

Comparing where she is to where she was then is more of a reflex than anything, really.

During their time here, she's been trying to decide if she counts everything being different than it was as a loss or not. Of course, there are some things between them that will never change, some that already did months ago. And there's something new that's happened. It's like a change in dynamics, or...something. It's all too confusing for her to think about.

These thoughts are just a distraction as she waits, anyway.

When she feels like a sufficient amount of time has passed, and she's sure he won't emerge from his room, she heads to the table, grabs her backpack, and quietly slips out the back door.

She walks behind a row of houses, trailing her fingertips along rough walls and railings, and sees what's she's looking for just ahead. A weak spot in the fence. Something that she should probably tell Earl about, but decided a month ago she could use to her advantage instead. She's still trying not to feel too guilty about that.

She crouches and removes a thin sheet of scrap metal from over a barely visible hole in the wall, careful not to let stray scraps snag on her sweatshirt as she ducks through. She emerges out the other side, jogging forward.

It only takes a few minutes (she has the pathway mapped out in her head), and she gets to her meadow. Hundreds of stars are both above her and below her in the tall grass--fireflies dot the entire field.

She goes straight to the middle of it, uses her backpack as support for her head, and lies down to look at the sky.

She doesn't do this every night--far from it. Maybe two or three times so far, and it's only when when she feels too small. You'd think looking up at a vast expanse of stars wouldn't help that fact, but it's grounding.

It also helps her not to think, as strange as it sounds. When she's too distracted by the view up there, any thoughts about life outside this particular place would ruin it.

Looking up at the stars, all she thinks is, _that's beautiful_.

 

"Group of people are goin' out hunting tomorrow, I'm gonna join them. Should be back in a couple of days." Joel tells her as they eat homemade bars of granola in the kitchen, her sitting on the counter, him standing next to her. Neither of them have thought up an occasion to sit at the table so far, for whatever reason. Too formal, maybe.

Ellie barely has the patience to swallow her bite before she asks, "Do you think Maria would let me in on this one?"

Joel's look of surprise quickly turns into the annoyed look he gets whenever she suggests something he doesn't like--usually something to do with her and safety, or lack there-of.

"My bet is no. You're not seventeen."

Ellie feels a small prick of irritation. After all the shit that's happened, he knows she's capable enough to do it. He knows that better than anyone. "Well, I figured since you're Tommy's brother and all, you could...pull a few strings."

 "A few strings?"

"It wouldn't hurt to, you know, ask."

Joel leans back and braces an arm on the counter. "Ellie, I don't...when you're seventeen, you can decide whether you wanna do it or not."

"It's such a stupid-ass rule."

"I happen to agree with it."

"Why? Were you not paying attention this past year, Joel?"

"Hey," he says. "I'm not sayin' you couldn't do it. It's just _why_ the rush. Why not wait as long as you can."

"Two years from now. That's such a waste." She slumps her back in defeat.

Joel's smile is knowing. "Gives you time to practice, kiddo."

 _Do me a favor,_ she wants to say. _Don't call me kiddo._

Joel tells her late that evening that he'll probably be gone before she wakes up. They decide to say their goodbyes. Ellie doesn't know what to... _do_ , really. Besides say goodbye. She briefly thinks of hugging him, but that's almost like admitting there's a chance he might not come back. So she keeps it casual.

That night, it takes two hours for her to fall asleep.

He is gone the next morning, so that doesn't come as any surprise, but the small note on the counter certainly does.

She picks it up and blinks at it, hard. "Please don't forget to eat," she recites. She sets it back down gently.

Throwing on a thin sweatshirt over her clothes, she heads for the front door, still a little foggy about the day's plan, but at the very least knowing the first place to head. Another note stuck on the handle stops her right as she's about to leave.

"I'm serious."

This time, she smiles.

 

She got along with Maria then, and she gets along with her now. It's easy to fall into conversations with her about anything, like life before, or Jackson. Especially Jackson. The town is her baby, she's said a couple times. She grew up with it, and she's supporting it to the end.

When Ellie bounds up their porch steps, steps recognizable to everyone in this place, Maria's there and meeting her at the door, wearing as close to a smile as can pass. "He told me you'd probably stop by," she says, holding it open.

"Hi," Ellie smiles. She steps inside, into the first room her and Joel ever saw in Jackson. It seems like such a long time ago, even if two months isn't exactly long. It _has_ been a while.

"Asking for a chore list?" Maria asks. When she walks through the foyer to the kitchen, Ellie follows the silent invitation further inside.

"Yeah. I figured I could help out with some stuff? Whatever you want,"

Maria leans against a table littered with sheets of paper--plans of some kind. Must be Tommy's. "Well," she thumbs one of the sketches, casually. "I was gonna spend at least a few hours with the animals today, if you'd like to join me."

The "are you shitting me" slips out before Ellie can hold it in. She's very close to offering an apology, but thankfully, Maria laughs. "No, I'm not shitting you."

If anyone who knows her knows anything, there isn't a thing in the world that gets her quite like animals do. The first two months here were too hectic for there to be down time, and the topic of the "livestock" and seeing them didn't exactly come up in any conversation, but it's been on her mind. Needless to say she jumps at the opportunity.

"I would love that."

Maria nods. "Okay. Let's go, then."

 

Ellie's barely-contained laughter travels across the field, managing to startle a few sheep from grazing. She knows this isn't the horse she rode on a few months ago, but it feels so nice being on one that's it's almost like she's been here before. 

As they trot around the enclosed pin where they keep the horses in the summer time, she glances over her shoulder and asks, "What's his name?"

"Her name's Tolu." Maria calls. 

Ellie looks down at her fondly. "Where'd she get a name like that?" 

"From the woman who brought her here. That was the name of her hometown, in Columbia."

She weaves the horse's black mane through her fingers, the fine threads looking startlingly dark against her pale skin. "Where is she now?"

"Died about a year ago. Loveliest woman I might've ever met. She was older than Danny, if you can believe it." 

Ellie tips her head back and closes her eyes, the sun on her face, her cheekbones. She can feel the horse's powerful legs beneath her, and maybe, just maybe she can hear her heartbeat. 

She leans down and whispers in her ear, "Hey, Tolu. My name's Ellie." 

A few more minutes and Maria appears beneath her, grabbing Tolu's reigns. Ellie's face falls, thinking she's about to be told to hop on down, but instead Maria starts leading her to the pen gate. 

"Look out over there, Ellie," 

Ellie sees an enormous field, with relatively short grass and patches of purple wild flowers, a few rolling hills. 

"You want to test her out?" Maria gestures to said field, and then to the horse.

"Are...you okay with that?" Ellie asks. Well, more stutters than asks. It is completely open range, and Maria would be putting a lot of trust in her not to fuck up something.

Maria smiles and opens the gate without a word. They share a look between them, Ellie making sure there is no doubt as to how grateful she is. 

She books it out of there.

Ellie lets out an enormous " _woot_ " as she feels the wind flying past her face, her hair trailing like a kite behind her. The horse's muscles move rhythmically beneath its leathered skin, its breath moving in and out in exertion. Ellie looks ahead of them and sees the Wyoming mountains in the distance, and she's near speechless. 

Everything looks ten times better on horse back.  

She turns another direction, not having any idea where she's going, but wanting to get there fast. It's like this revitalizes her, makes her want to do everything at once. 

She laughs, leans down while Tolu's galloping, and runs a hand over her shoulder blades in encouragement.

Eventually she realizes she's going to run her down completely if she doesn't let up, so she slows her to a nice trot, heading back to where Maria stands waiting. She leads them both back into the enclosure, and with reluctance, Ellie climbs off the horse. 

"You're a natural with her," Maria comments as she moves to remove her saddle and bite. 

Ellie laughs quietly. "I just love horses." 

The rest of their time is spent feeding the five sheep and two goats, Maria explaining each's history and personality when she can remember. Ellie listens, fascinated. Maria offers her this as a part time job, and she says "sure, thank you" in as casual a tone as she can muster. 

Around lunch time, they head back to the house, and when Ellie passes the pen where the horses are kept (there are eight of them), she easily spots Tolu, sleek and black and beautiful. 

"Do you know anything about Columbia, by any chance?" She asks. 

Maria smiles. "Actually..." 

 

When she returns after a nice dinner that was with just the two of them (Tommy's also gone on the hunting trip), the empty house doesn't leave her feeling as alone as it did before. She doesn't know why, but at the same time she doesn't really care. She just feels relieved. 

The house is built in such a way that tonight, the crescent moon can only be seen from the living room windows, and not her bedroom. It's for this reason that she decides she wants to sleep downstairs, on the old couch. She drags a blanket from her bed and lays down in nothing but a tank top and underwear. If she thought her skin couldn't get any more pale, the moonlight proves her wrong.

Drifting into sleep, she dreams of riding Tolu again, but this time it's along a beach in California. They're completely free.

 

She wakes to a hand on her shoulder. "Ellie..." 

Joel's blurry face is above her. His hair is dark against the white of the ceiling. "What time is it?" She mumbles incoherently, blinking away sleep. 

"It's noon. Wanna rise and shine, lazy bones," 

"Only if you brought me something _really_ special." She croaks with an unused throat.

"How 'bout this?"

Ellie cracks one eye open and sees Joel pull something from behind his back. A bow. An incredibly  _fancy, elaborate_  bow. 

"Holy shit," she stands up from the couch, awake instantly. She takes it from his hands and tests it out in her own, trailing her fingers over the carved wood. Even the bow string is nice and taught. 

"Where the hell'd you find this?" She breathes. 

"In an old shed somewhere." Joel explains. She can tell he likes that she likes it. 

She shakes her head, puts the bow down gently, and rises up on her tiptoes to hug him gently, hesitantly. There is no response from him.

(For the first few seconds.) 

After that, his arms slowly wind around her waist, and he leans the side of his head against the top of hers. 

"Thank you," she says, words muffled by his shirt. He doesn't reply. 

It dawns on her that she...isn't wearing pants. She coughs loudly and pulls away, making a vain attempt to sit down and drape the blanket over her lap as casually as possible. "You get anything else good?" She asks innocently, her cheeks so red that she has to pretend there's something on her lap infinitely more interesting than what's in front of her.

"You'll see soon enough." Joel looks at her with an expression she can't really break down. "It was a good haul."

"Was it...fun?"

Joel nods. "Sure. If you like...killin' things."

"Sounds like my kind of party." 

"Does it."

Ellie glances over at the gift, lying on its side on the table. "It's beautiful," she says quietly, reaching out to thumb it gently. She sees from the corner of her eyes him walking to the window, looking out at the weather, or the town, she doesn't know. 

"You wanna test it out?" He asks suddenly. 

"Do I even need to answer that?"

"Go on, then. Get dressed." 

Ellie leaps off the couch, careful not to drop the fucking blanket, taking the stairs two at a time. It's only after she leaves that Joel turns and looks after her, his closed smile wider than he'd like to admit. When she returns downstairs, fully dressed and proudly holding the bow in her hand like a prize, he opens the door.

She bounds past, and he follows her out into the light rain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Tolú is the name of the town in Columbia where my grandmother was born. I thought that would be cool to fit in somehow. I picture Tolu herself as an Arabian horse (yeah, I know those are probably rare enough in Wyoming as it is not to mention twenty years after the shit went down, but let me dream!). 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and for your support. I love hearing your thoughts. Seriously, you all make me as happy as Ellie when she's impaling something with a bow and arrow. Jokes aside, I get wicked happy. 
> 
> I think the next chapter might be a little surprising, but hopefully you'll like the direction it's headed.


	7. Chapter 7

4 YEARS LATER

2038

 

She narrows her eyes, allowing the long, slim column of wood to guide her line of sight, and with one small release of breath, she lets go.

The arrow zooms through the air, between trees and branches--she's always amazed how it does that. Before she can force herself to blink, the deer standing some distance away staggers forward and falls to the ground. The arrow lies imbedded in its sternum, a clean kill.

She always tries to make it clean. Granted, things don't always work out that way, but she tries.

Which is why she lets out a relieved sigh and says, "whew. _Fuck_ yes,"

She hops off her perch on the rockbed and jogs towards it, sheathing the arrow she'd held in one hand as a backup just in case things didn't go as planned; i.e missing completely and going after the damn thing full fledge, hoping that her aim was more or less as stellar while it sprinted away.

She kneels, and after confirming its heart has stopped beating, quickly yanks the arrow out of its chest. It isn't surprising that it broke after hitting the ribcage, the arrowhead remaining embedded in the flesh. She flips her knife open and cuts it out, storing the carved stone in her pocket and throwing the broken remains on the forest floor.

She does as she's been taught: cups her hands around her mouth and lets out what's supposed to be a "bird signal." It sounds more like someone cupping their hands around their mouth and whistling.

A minute later, Rick emerges out of the tree line on his horse, Dexter, chuckling maniacally.

"What is wrong with you?" Ellie asks.

"Your..." He wheezes, "Your _bird call_." It prompts another bout of laughter.

She chuckles with him, forced to raise her voice. "Dude, you _know_ that's an insecurity for me." More cackling. "Do you wanna make your asthma flare up? Jesus, calm down."

Rick shakes his head and dismounts the horse. "Don't know why, but that tickled my funny bone. Really hit the spot."

"Hey, help me out with this."

Together they lift the buck's limp carcass off the ground, Rick holding it by the hips, Ellie grasping its antlers. With Dexter being right there, they manage to heave the dead weight onto the impromptu sled attached to him.

"Do you wanna keep going out here, or do you want to head back to camp?" He lifts himself onto his horse, breathing heavy.

"You head back. I wanna spend a little more time out here, if that's okay." After she picks up her bow from the ground, she begins to follow the trail of markings she left herself. "I'll meet you back there."

"I'll walk you to her!" Rick calls. He guides Dexter to walk alongside her. Ellie reaches out and holds part of the reigns. "How's Nate?" She asks, to make conversation.

"He's okay. Still a little stuffed up, but okay. I'm just trying to get him to calm the fuck down, you know,"

"Tell him hey for me when we get back."

"I will. He'd love to hear it."

It doesn't take long for them to return to the small clearing. Tolu grazes above a small patch of grass that hasn't browned from lack of sun, her reigns tied to a tree. She lifts her head and her ears perk up at Ellie's approach.

"Hi, baby." She'll never get used to just how gorgeously dark this horse is, how pale her hands look whenever she pets her. Tolu leans into her touch, her nostrils flaring.

Ellie smiles guiltily and looks at Rick. "Do you have any c-a-r-r-o-t-s by any chance?"

Rick shakes his head. "I left them back at the c-a-m-p." 

"That's funny, smart ass."

Eventually he leaves, leading Dexter off in the direction of the stakeout. It is far off; they've travelled aways. Ellie doesn't know why she said she'd stay behind, other than that familiar feeling in her gut telling her that she wasn't ready to make her way back just yet, not this early in the afternoon.

On Tolu, she decides to start on a route perpendicular to his.

This is her eleventh supply raid. Jackson's gotten to a point where it's no longer just whenever they need things (which had been frequently)--it hasn't gotten too desperate in the past four years. Trips are scheduled, and there's usually one every season.

Regular hunting (short trips that take four to five hours at most, only one mile out as compared to ten), needs to happen three or four times a week to sustain the population. She helps with that, too.

Her first time out hunting was...God, when even was it? Two or three months after arriving in Jackson? It was when he gave her her bow. The one she still unashamedly uses. They went outside, it was raining, and he asked her (taunted her) if she could hit that tree. She did.

Things kind of got out of control from there, and she came home with a doe that afternoon.

Her first supply raid was a little bit different. She was close to sixteen, very close to losing her patience because she'd already waited a year, and finally Joel said _fuck it_ and asked Maria if she could join the next one. She said yes.

Joel gave her multiple versions of the same talk on the way there about safety and learning her own "personal physical boundaries," and she took it as, _if you somehow manage to get yourself hurt, you can bet I will abuse my power as Tommy's brother to make sure you don't join another one of these things for the next five years_. And if that had actually happened, it would have been just another thing to add to the laundry list of shit causing distance between them.

It's not really like that anymore. 

Yeah, he's still...protective, but he knows now she doesn't rely on him for the same things she once did. And she's still...well, she doesn't really know. Sometimes there'll be nights where she has to go to the meadow and breathe, but those are rare. She's happy, and more importantly, she fucking _wants_ to be. It's worth it seeing Joel at ease, at any rate.

_At any rate._ When did she start using grownup expressions like that, anyway? 

Probably when she grew a couple inches. Got some fairly nice boobs. Thicker hair. Did those things feel like a right of passage for girls before the outbreak? Because she feels different, and at the same time she just feels just like herself. With a bigger bra. Okay, not _that_ big, but bigger.

Jokes aside, her body's matured and so has she, _and that's how it goes, I guess._

She tries comparing that to Joel, and where he's at. He's older, but concerning who he is as a person, he's still the same man she met four years ago. Stoic and brave, wise with some things, closed off with others. A mean cook, a great storyteller. Joel.

And he is still the only constant in her life. She cares deeply for Maria and Tommy, and Tolu is like an extension of herself, but he's like her mascot, if that makes _any_ sense.

She shakes her head. She's supposed to be completely clear headed when she does this. Now look what she's thinking about. _You wanna get yourself gored by a bear? Pay attention._

The sunlight gleams from the spaces between the tree canopy, in beams colored like honey. Ellie studies them as they dance across her horse's jet black skin, and across the dark leaves they pass. This is the part of Wyoming she loves best: not within the security of the town walls, although she's grown to love that, too. It's the wild outdoors, the untamed concentration of nature that refuses to be caged in by anything--least of all fences. She listens for sounds of movement, birds, wind.  She stiffens slightly.  _Odd._

There's nothing. 

She gently tugs on Tolu's reigns to stop her, scanning their surroundings, her heart beginning to beat harder. Cold and sudden panic is coming on, and that's probably a good thing, but she stops it in its tracks. Not now. She can choose fight or flight when she knows what the _hell_ is going on here.

_Absolutely nothing, no sound. No way is this normal._ Cautiously, she urges Tolu onward, wincing every time her hooves break twigs, rustle leaves. 

Is she being watched?

They only make it so far before a horrible stench assaults her nose, something like burning hair.

Her stomach drops. She knows this smell. She's smelt it before--it isn't something you forget. Tolu starts trotting faster, and she braces for the worst, desperately hoping for the best.  

They enter a small clearing, and her breath seizes in her throat.

Dead bodies, their skin blackened from fire, litter the grass. There's about ten of them. It looks as if two are children, but she can't distinguish anything else in the mess besides height. She feels so shaky that it's looking like she might slide off the horse. Even Tolu senses something wrong happened here, her ears flattening against her head.

The stench of burned flesh is so strong that Ellie gets off Tolu purposefully, stumbling on unsteady legs towards a tree, using the trunk for support as she heaves the contents of her stomach onto the dirt. 

Tolu neighs and back away from the wreckage. 

"Oh, man," Ellie says, wiping her mouth. She doesn't want to see the bodies again, ever, but a sick curiosity makes her turn around. This was no accident--it was done by human hands.

Looking at something so _other_ makes every second ticking by a new kind of painful. She shakes her head, unable to fucking understand it. She's seen things as bad as this, but the two small bodies partially hidden under larger ones really get to her. There's a story here. 

That is always the fucking case. 

"Okay, Tolu, we have to..." she gags as the smell hits her again. The humidity is making it worse. "Fuck. Okay, okay, let's go,"

She stands up, having to lean against the tree for a few moments to regain her breath, and the horse comes to her. Even Tolu agrees they need to get the fuck out of there.  

Ellie pats her weakly and gets back on, disappearing into the tree line as fast as she can go.  

 

The camp's busy. Everyone's doing something, so's he, but it's more that he's waiting than paying attention to his work. He never does, at any rate, but working is second nature to him and doesn't require all his attention.

Celia passes him and wordlessly hands him an apple, and he acknowledges her kind smile, taking it out of her hand. "Thank you." It's been a while since he's had one of these. Maybe half a year. It tastes sweet, and bitter.

He sits, eats, and waits.

Relief fills him when Rick emerges into his line of sight on the dirt path, riding his horse, but the relief turns into wariness when he sees that Ellie isn't behind him. He stands up from the log. 

"Ellie?" He asks Rick, walking up to his horse. 

Rick dismounts and says, nervously, "Oh, well, she asked if she could stay behind for a little bit, and I said no problem. I don't think she was done. Hunting..." 

He tries not to be annoyed. "How far'd you guys go out?"

Rick swallows. "It was...four or five miles." 

Joel, to keep from slapping this boy upside the head, asks, "And _when_ did you separate?"

"About forty, forty-five minutes ago." He points to the sled behind his horse. "She caught that deer."

Joel turns back silently and resigns himself to the fact that he's just going to have to wait until she gets back. If she's not back within the hour, different story.  

He sits on the log, continues on sharpening weapons. 

He doesn't want to hover. He doesn't want to abuse her trust in him. But sometimes not being with her, not knowing where the hell she is, is like not breathing. There aren't many words out there to describe how much he hates that: this vulnerability. He doesn't want to act anything close to paternal--he just wants to support her, provide for her.

He'll never tell her these things, he doesn't want to. It's just something he knows he'll have to live with, a cemented part of him.  Ellie is his priority.

The sun's been out all day, he can feel it on his back through the thin shirt. The pile of sharpened weapons to his left is considerably larger than the pile to his right, ones that have yet to be sharpened. Means he's almost done with it. 

"Hey, Joel. That butcher's knife ready? Gotta use it now," Andy stops in front of him and gestures to the finished pile. 

"Sure. Go ahead," He responds.

Andy nods in thanks and starts searches for it among the other weaponry. "Where's your girl at?" 

Joel huffs in amusement. "She's still out. Wanted to stay back a while." 

"Fuckin' A. Tell her she's a badass for me, will ya?" 

"I tell her that every day, Andy. Otherwise she'd shoot me." 

Andy laughs as he pulls out the knife, turning it in the sunlight. "Goddamn, this is perfection. This the most fuckin' sharp I've seen a knife since my restaurant days." 

"Yeah? What were you?"

"Head chef, brother. Was makin' some serious bank before the country got all fucked up--"

Joel looks to the path and Ellie's there, her head emerging over the hill, and immediately his gut tells him something's wrong. Her face is starkly pale, her back straight as a rod. Her lips are stiff like they've been closed and silent for a long time. 

He stands up, says he'll talk with Andy later, and walks to her.

Ellie sees him approach and her face regains some color, but her expression reads like she has a foul taste in her mouth. Joel gives her a questioning look. 

She gets off Tolu's back and says, "I need to talk to you. Oh, man," her eyes dart around the camp, overwhelmed as her words trail off. 

"What is it?" He asks. He scans the path behind her. 

Ellie frames her forehead in her hands. "I just...I saw something really, _really_ fucked up, and I don't know what to do, and I didn't want to freak anyone out, you know, because here we are in the middle of the fucking woods--"

Joel puts out a hand to calm her. "I need you to slow down, and tell me what happened." Because he really does.

She steps closer to him and closes her eyes, obviously very heavily affected by what she's seen. "Bodies. There were ten of them Joel, two children. They were fucking _burned,_ really _badly_. I couldn't see any faces, just...nothing. I don't know what we should do." 

Joel says, too quietly for her to hear, "shit." 

He finds himself very caught off guard, and he doesn't like it. He looks at the ground, trying to think, trying to get a clearer head. "We still got a few days left out here." 

"What do you think about telling everyone?" Ellie asks quietly. 

Joel looks at her. "Gonna have to be that way."

Ellie rubs her arms, her back hunched. Joel hasn't seen her look this frail in a long, long time. "'Course. I guess the question is when."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will come sooner, guys. Thank you very much for supporting this story the way you have--I promise I'll deliver something good (or at least...half way decent) sometime this week.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said an earlier update, but I went to Boston for the weekend on a much needed break and lost track of time, everything. Just goes to show, don't make promises on the internet. 
> 
> Thank you for reading if you've made it this far, you're the best. I know school is coming up for most people, so I hope this is kind of like a break from stress, or something. I don't know--enjoy it or else, is basically what I mean. 
> 
> I saw Jurassic World for the 4th time at this enormous AMC theater in the downtown area. I think the criticisms of that movie are definitely valid, but man, I love it.

Ultimately, Joel decides to tell everyone at the camp, discreetly. Minutes after he does, Ellie doesn't know why she thought not telling was even an option. The response is swift and subtle: the twelve of them will stick it out for the next three days as planned, with at least three people guarding the area at a time. 

Rick approaches her once the news gets out, looking _incredibly_ guilty. He asks if she's okay, she says yes, they say goodnight. Truth be told, she isn't okay--she's a little bit _not_ okay. But hey, no one needs to know that. 

By the time things are settled, dinner is over, and the first few people are on watch. Ellie and Joel walk to their tent from the fire (a fire they all debated even making), both exhausted as hell. 

Well, she is. She's not sure about him. When she glances over to see if he looks tired, she finds him watching her.

"You alright?" He asks as they near the tent. 

She nods. "Yeah. I just need some sleep." 

He does the Joel thing, where he'll start out saying something sincere and then seem like he regrets it, which he does by looking at the ground. "That's a shitty thing to see."

Ellie could say _I've seen worse_ , or maybe _yeah_ ,  _no kidding. I'll probably have nightmares for the next three weeks._ She doesn't. Because yes, it was a shitty thing to see, and it's been on her brain for three hours straight now, and it looks like it's not going away anytime soon. 

Joel waits outside for her to change into a night shirt and cotton shorts before she yells, "okay." As he pulls the flap back, she lays on her back, lighting the small reading lamp between them so she can take out a book. She settles into her sleeping bag. 

_Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?_ By Phillip K. Dick. Someone found it in an abandoned house a while ago, gave it to the community library. "Library" is a nice word for it, since it's just a few book shelves. She's enjoyed it so far. Weird, and kinda bleak, but real.

Books are usually the only things (besides hunting, and playing the guitar) that can take her away, but tonight, the words on the page are just nonsense. She looks for something else to distract her, and her eyes wander over to Joel. She watches him take off his boots. 

He's been taking off these same shoes for four years now. Through sleet, rain, mud (oh the _mud_ ), and mile long walks, somehow they've held together for him. She's been thinking for a while now he's gotta have some sort of attachment to them. The way he does it is practiced, like he's taking off armor. His back is hunched over as he unties the laces, and she can see how broad it is, the muscles under the thin fabric like ripples in a pond. Or...something. 

She tilts her head and looks at his neck, how tanned and scarred it is, even in this dim light. Her gaze travels upwards to his salt and pepper hair, disarrayed somewhat. The side of his serious, etched-in-stone face. His arms in the t-shirt, firm and big with muscle. She even sees--

"We should head on out tomorrow. Scout the area with a few others." Joel says to her. 

Ellie looks at her book. "Yeah. Sure." 

"You could show me where it is you found it." Her silence must tell him something, because he pauses and says, "Just want to see the area it's in. We won't go there, we won't see anything." 

"I'll remember."

"Okay," Joel nods, his lips pursed. "Good."

Joel's asleep after ten, fifteen minutes. Ellie, despite having the light on and the book out, doesn't read a word the entire time. She stares at what might as well be a blank page, thinking about what she saw hours earlier, thinking about the past. With her head feeling like it weighs a thousand pounds, she dims out the light, and closes her eyes. 

 

Waking up is like when a rod of tape flies back so fast it jolts the tape measurer. She gasps and her eyelids fly open, her chest heaving.

They got up from where they were lying down--the bodies--and they started walking towards her, like they were infected, but the sounds they were making were too self aware, too  _human._ She couldn't move, she could only watch. Tolu was right next to her, but even when she told her to _get the fuck out of there_ , she remained by her side. Ellie was left to stand and wait to see what they would do to her, to her horse.

Then she woke up. 

She tries to calm down her breathing, but nothing works. It's like all good thoughts turn to ash, and the only important thing is those stupid, fucking _bodies_.

It's hard to understand why she lets it get to her. She's seen Joel burn men alive. She's...she's done some things herself. Why is this so upsetting? Is it because the past four years have softened her? Has she gotten used to peace and normalcy, forgotten what brutality looks like?

She knows the real world. She's seen it. But her reaction is telling her that maybe she doesn't, anymore. That freaks her out more than anything else. 

A voice in the darkness interrupts her thoughts. 

"You're alright," Joel says, quietly. 

Ellie's breath hitches. "I know," she says, shaken. 

"I don't think you know. That's okay."

Shit, are her eyes stinging? Her eyes are stinging. Oh, no. 

"You're safe. It's okay, Ellie." 

His voice is deep and thick with sleep, but she can tell he's waking up. 

Ellie's brain, more than Ellie herself, commands her hand to cross the short distance between them. There's no time to feel unsure about it. She touches his arm first. 

Joel stiffens. She pretends she doesn't notice. 

Her fingers glide down his bare arm, which is long and smooth, until they reach his palm. _Big_ , she thinks. _Strong_. Her fingers lace around his, and she squeezes him, trying to capture his strength, his ability to detach. Her other hand goes to cover her mouth because she doesn't want to let out any embarrassing sounds.

She finds him squeezing her smaller hand in return, and they lay like that, until Ellie drifts off to sleep.

  

Joel's gone when she wakes up. She can't see the sun in the sky from inside their tent, but from the sounds of the birds, the shadows moving across her covered body, even the dew in the air, she can tell it's early morning. 

What she did the night before dawns on her like an ice cold bucket of water being dropped on her head. Her face heats of its own accord, and one hand goes to hold the other arm as she rises from the floor. 

_Okay, okay, stop it. Stop it right now. Breathe. Yeah, there you go. Not so hard at all. Distract yourself. Oh look, clothes._

She stands and dresses in shorts and a red t-shirt, bandaging over her forearm and pinning it tight. She takes a deep breath and emerges from the tent. 

Among the people who are up outside, she sees Joel sitting far away on the ledge of a rock overlooking a view of the mountains. He's doing something with his hands. Others are just beginning to rise, all different types of hair standing up on heads or furiously matted. _We look like savages_ , Ellie thinks. She's strangely proud of it. 

_What the fuck were you thinking?_

Something triggers in her and the repressed thoughts come in like a flood, and she figures she might as well give up the control. Her nerves are frayed. She feels nervous.  Grasping his hand. She's _never_ done something like that before. Her and Joel have touched, but it's never been like that, where she felt so vulnerable the thought of him being unresponsive made her hurt all over. 

The only time she'd ever felt that vulnerable was when Riley told her she was leaving Boston, and she thought her heart was going to take off out of her chest.  Weird, really wierd, associating Joel and Riley that way. The two of them never correlate in her mind, except when she thinks of the people that she loves. They're both on that list, the top of that very short list. 

She's getting too distracted, decides it's time to head on over to him. 

As she passes by the fire pit, she makes eye contact with a girl named Natasha. Natasha smiles at her. "Hey." She waves Ellie over, looking like she's in the middle of trying to get the embers going. Ellie slows reluctantly, uneasy and annoyed. She doesn't have any patience whatsoever for Natasha, in fact she's a bitch, so she's not sure what this could be about. 

"Hi. What's your name again? Sorry," Natasha squints at her and presses her thin lips together. 

Ellie thinks, _you know damn well what it is._ Instead she smiles lightly and says, "It's Ellie."

"Right. Sorry, I just can't seem to remember. It's nothing against you, or anything. It's just--" She rolls her eyes into her head and makes a gun with her fingers, pressing it to her temple. "Shitty memory, and all that." She's been here for a full year.

Ellie tosses aside the bullshit. "Is there a reason you called me over here?" 

Both Natasha's smile and her hand drops, and she gestures to the sizzling embers. "I can't get this going. It's my responsibility this morning, and I can't do it. You seem like you'd know this stuff."

Ellie silently drops to her knees and scoots next to her, reaching over to pluck the stones and lint from her hands. "Here, let me."

She grabs more lint from the bag between them.

"The thing about starting a fire?" She goes on, "Is that the sensitivity is crazy, and usually you only have enough for one try. That's not true for us, but still. Good to know."

If she were with someone she liked, she'd talk at a slow pace, make sure they felt confident enough to do it on their own before leaving. She'd probably even start the fire, because seeing is doing, and stuff. But she doesn't like Natasha, and it's enough of a stretch helping her anyway, so she gives her a quick summary and dumps the remaining stuff in her hands.

She can feel the glares on her back as she walks away. 

Joel's just getting up from his spot on the ledge when she walks up to him.

"Mornin'," he says, surprised to see her right as he turns around. 

"Morning," Ellie responds, stepping back a little. "What you making there?" 

Joel looks down at his hands, opens his right palm. "Oh, it's ugh...a few arrowheads. I asked him to make a dozen shafts for you." 

This was actually how her and Rick (the him in question) first met. When Joel and Ellie joined in on the hunting, Joel asked around for the person supplying the arrows. It was Rick, and his boyfriend, Nate. Ellie remembers having a conversation with the two of them three years ago when she stopped by to pick up a couple dozen, and she liked talking to them so much it became a frequent thing. Part of her weekly routine as a Jackson resident. 

"He also said it's on him," Joel adds, smirking. Normally, they'd owe him a few small animals as the asking price.

Ellie chuckles. "Oh, boy. He's gotta feel bad."

"For leavin' you out there by yourself? Yeah, he should." 

"Joel," Ellie becomes exasperated. "I told him he could."

Without a word of exchange between them, Joel and Ellie turn at the same time and start walking toward the horses together. "There are times in life when you just shouldn't listen." He offers. "For Rick, that was one of them." 

"So, if I understand you _correctly_ , you're saying I'm not capable going out there by myself." 

"I'm saying, it don't matter if you're the cream of the crop out there, being alone isn't the answer always."

"It seemed like it." 

Joel  _hmm_ s in a way that says he doesn't agree. She quirks her lip in annoyance. "What about you? If it was us out there, you wanted to go back and I wanted to stay, you wouldn't say 'go ahead, come back in an hour' to me? You'd stay even if you didn't want to?"   


They reach Tolu, and Joel takes the reigns of another horse named Atticus. Named after the Alabamian lawyer in  _To Kill a Mockingbird_. Ellie has not yet read it. 

"Different," is all he says, adjusting his saddle. 

Since Tolu's already saddled fine, Ellie climbs on and asks, "How's it different?" 

"Where you go," Joel grunts as he gets up, taking the reigns like he was born on horseback. "I go." He guns out of there, already making this a contest.

Ellie stares after him for a good five seconds, before leading Tolu from underneath the tarp, galloping after him. She supposed she walked into that one.

 

Their race through the mountains was short lived.  He has to ask her for direction sooner rather than later. Ellie leads the way until they come across the trail she left for herself the day before, a series of red markings on the trees and bushes. 

"What is this?" Joel asks, rubbing a sample between his fingers.

"That's paste mixed with raspberry juice." Maria gave it to her.

Silently, he takes out his bottle of water, pours some into his cupped palm, and rubs it off the leaf on which the mark rests. He does this to every marking they pass, and Ellie takes out her water to help him once she gets why he's doing it. Can't have anyone following the trail.

The farther and further they travel into the woods, the more something shifts in him.  Joel's gone from playful and out of his element, right back into his element. He's becoming quiet, angry. 

"Something wrong?" Ellie asks, leaning forward on Tolu. Five minutes ago he was smiling. 

"This is far out, Ellie." It's an accusation if she's ever heard one. 

"I know," She's immediately on the defensive. "But I wasn't gonna go much further. I was fine." 

"Fine?" Joel tugs on Addicus' reigns and turns him around, blocking Ellie's path, whether inadvertently or not she can't tell. "That's what you call your shaking last night?" 

She looks away, annoyance turning into anger. "I saw what I saw. Nothing happened to me."  

"But it could've."

"It didn't." 

He looks like he wants to throttle her. 

Ellie doesn't like being under this much intense focus, so she guides Tolu around Joel, who isn't looking at her anymore. He's looking at the ground, his arms crossed over the reigns. She hears him say "let's go" to Atticus, and he trots up next to her.

"Are we close?" He asks. 

"Yes." 

A minute later Ellie catches the beginnings of a scent, and it's the acrid smell she'll never forget as long as she lives. Joel smells it too, stopping his horse at the look on her face.  

"It's not too far now," Ellie says. 

"Straight ahead?"

"More or less."

"Alright then." Joel leads the horse in another direction. "We'll skirt the perimeter." 

Ellie follows him compliantly, unsure how long she'll even be able to do this. With Joel by her side, maybe as long as it takes. 

 

They circle around the smell, never getting too close, straying away when it gets too pungent. Eventually, he's satisfied enough to stop, but his eyes stay on alert. They haven't come across anything yet. 

He turns to Ellie, suddenly very awkward, a question on his lips.

She coughs. "What is it...?" 

He looks at the ground, a little too calm for her liking. "I'm thinking I should see them. The bodies." He has enough decency to look her in the eyes when he proposes that.

She's surprised at her own reaction. There is no fear, no panic, no anxiety. Instead she says, in a steady voice, "If you think that's best."

"You stay here." He starts forward. 

"Woah, woah, woah. I never said I was  _staying_." 

He raises his eyebrows. "D'you honestly think it's a good idea?"

She raises her own in return. "Yes. I can help you find stuff."

"From what you've said, there ain't gonna be much stuff to find."

She pulls Tolu right next to him. "You're the one always going on about being prepared. Think of me as a sidekick." 

Joel shakes his head, but does she see the tiniest bit of a smirk? "You're no sidekick." 

Her lack of trepidation quickly turns into an abundance of trepidation the deeper into it they go. Burned flesh isn't a smell that just  _goes away_ , it's a stench that's thick and feels like it's sticking to your lungs, but at least it's not as strong as before. She breathes through her mouth, in any case. 

Joel somehow keeps an eye on her and an eye in front of them. She's just waiting for the moment they get there. Maybe seeing them again will give her some fucking closure. 

"There. There it is," Ellie points ahead of them. She recognizes a characteristic break in the bushes. Light, which had been unable to filter through the thick canopy of trees above them, shows through the space.

Joel goes first, because there's only room for one at a time. She ducks her head under the protruding branches and leaves once he's through, squinting as her eyes adjust to the light. 

The first thing she sees is Joel's face. He looks confused, maybe even distraught. Her eyes shift to the clearing and she freezes, also confused and distraught, funnily enough. 

The bodies aren't there, anymore. 


	9. Chapter 9

It's funny that she's never heard the word "brutal" spoken aloud in her life. 

It's a word she's known since she was young, because she can't remember learning it. It's been in her vocabulary for a long time. It'd be interesting to see just exactly when her younger brain learned it--how did someone get it to stick? How does someone get any word to stick, for that matter.

But never once has someone said, "that was too brutal" or "how brutal." "Can you believe that brutality?" 

They'd be laughed at, for sure. Because it's a ridiculous word. It's too hamfisted and self-indulgent. _Of course_ it was brutal. Everything's that way. Shut up. 

Brutal: Wyoming, winter, infected.  Burned carcasses, thoughts of them being dragged away, disposed of. 

Ellie doesn't have to say, "they were just _here_." Joel can deduct that for himself. But, and she's very sure of this, not seeing them is ten times worse than seeing them there. This is the stuff of nightmares, more so than the bodies themselves.  She doesn't have to say "someone's been here," either, but she does, anyway. 

Joel nods. "That means we need to get the fuck out of here, now." 

As he turns, Ellie's got no choice but to look past her own alarm. Her gut feeling, whether or not it's smart, is that if they've come this far, they should just _finish_ what they started. Their mission was so clear this morning, and why should anything change.

In her conflict, she looks back at herself as a fourteen-year-old. Impressed by everything. Intrigued by the idea of a strong female heroine, willing to put herself through hell to save her galaxy. 

Doctor Daniela Star would stay.

"Wait, Joel. We should look around. See if there's anything. That's what we came here to do." 

He casts her a tense look, his arms stiff as tree trunks, but as he turns to the forest, she can see him battle with it in his head. He agrees only by a slim margin, clearly aggravated that he does, but she's definitely not the only one intrigued. If anyone was planning on an ambush they would've pulled it off already, anyway. Probably. 

They dismount together, stepping forward from under the shade of the trees, leaving the safety of the horses--guaranteed quick getaways of the animal kingdom. The smell is still here, which means they were moved recently. Better move quickly, then. 

"We're gonna do a quick search, and then we're leaving. Hurry up." Joel says, approaching the charred grass. He isn't messing around; neither is she. Ellie circles the clearing swiftly, while Joel examines the zone where the bodies were before they were taken away. 

She pauses and puts her hands on her hips to calm her breathing. Her heart feels like it's beating too fast to be normal, faint traces of adrenaline still moving through her body. She sees Joel lift up something gingerly from where he crouches on the forest floor. 

"What is it?" She calls, squinting at the small object cradled in his hands. 

"A bracelet," Joel replies, quietly. He tosses it to the ground, huffing in anger. "God damnit." 

She returns to her own task, pacing aside the trees. She stops when she sees it--small, carved lettering decorating the lower half of a wide trunk, hidden partially but meant to be seen. 

"Hey, got something." She crouches to see it, very apprehensive. 

  _THEY'RE COMING, DON'T TRUST_

"Shit, Joel." He's already by her side and reading it with her. She sits on her butt so that she can look at him. He doesn't break eye contact with the lettering, lips pursed in consternation. She reads it again herself, noting this time the shaky and unfinished carvemenship, as if it was done with hurried hands. 

"What the fuck does that _mean_?" She palms and cradles her forehead cartoonishly. 

Joel coughs dryly, which is what he does when he doesn't have a clue. _Fuck_ , she thinks. She's got goosebumps on her arms and legs, neck, arm and leg hair standing up on end. It feels like static is swallowing the air, unmovable and eerie. The static that comes with bad vibes and uneasiness. Her track record of experience with terrible things provides yet again another situation with which she isn't entirely unfamiliar. 

"It means we need to go. C'mon." Joel's on his feet and striding to the horses, looking over his shoulder to insure she's right behind. She is. This isn't the time to dwindle, or run her fingers over the lettering, like she wants to. 

"Let's go, Ellie," he prods again as she mounts Tolu. To respond "I _know_ " with an attitude would be inappropriate. She doesn't want to, anyway. 

He has her go first when they leave that haunted place, and Ellie is glad to be riding away from it, glad to have his presence behind her. 

 

There is no argument or debate among the group when Joel and Ellie arrive back at the camp. Whistles are sent in all directions to get the remaining hunters back (and Ellie notices with some guilt that she would not have been able to hear _any_ of them from where she was). When everyone's accounted for, they descend the mountain and begin the return journey.

It takes two days, days spent feeling uneasy and ill prepared, but they make it back to Jackson. 

Shiny-teeth Earl (that's Ellie's nickname for him) and his guards are surprised to see the fifteen of them trudging down the dirt path, because they weren't due for another two days. They must use the microphone system to alert the town, because they are absolutely swarmed by relatives when they're admitted through the gates.  Tommy and Maria only get ahold of Joel and Ellie when they disband from the congestion of people. 

"Joel." Tommy's voice is harshened with concern. "What's goin' on? What happened?" 

The reason everyone's so alarmed, is because hunting raids are the town's religion. It's normal for parties to stay two, maybe even three days later than expected, and no one will bat an eye. Returning early is unheard of.  

Everyone's already giving their families the scenario, which she suspects is the reason Joel doesn't make them find the shelter of a private room. "Ellie found a pile of burned bodies in the forest. Not accidental. We went back the next day to check it out, and they weren't there. Gone." 

"Shit," is Tommy's offered word.

"Tommy--" Joel steps closer to his brother, because they didn't tell the rest of them this part. "We found somethin' carved on a tree. It said 'they're coming, don't trust.'"

"Okay," Tommy nods, blinking at the ground. "Okay." 

Maria murmurs, "Call a meeting? We gotta calm 'em down." 

He nods much more firmly, the overwhelmed man gone. "That's what we'll do. You wanna tell 'em? I'll walk to the fire, get it started."

Maria nods, and like the professional she is, she addresses the crowd of residents and shouts loud enough to capture everyone's attention, even the most boisterous of them. There's a reason she's the leader of this self-made town. 

"Town meeting guys, let's go. We're gonna discuss this, we're gonna see what we can do about it. Let's go, c'mon." She shouts up to the guards on the fence: "Hey, get the message on the speakers, will ya?" 

Joel, Ellie, and Maria follow the crowd to the fire pit. It's not so much of a pit as it is multiple rows of benches with a bonfire at the forefront. As they weave through houses, Ellie looks for signs of Rose and Emilia. 

Maria asks Joel questions, asking Ellie whenever he diverts them to her. Questions like, how many were there (ten, maybe), how badly were they burned (badly), did you see children (two), how far out were you (pretty  _far_ out). In answering them, she feels exhaustion creep up on her like a high tide. It's been a long three days, and while Maria and Tommy may be the ones who'll speak in front of everyone, she doesn't want to sit on a hard bench for an hour.

She knows she'll do it anyway. 

 

It starts after the animals have been returned to the stables and the equipment's been shed.

There's a few people anxious enough to express their qualms out loud, but for most of the Jackson residents, this is just another thing to worry about. The news is accepted with heavy brows, but what else can they do besides look out and guard the fence, the shit they've been doing since the town was built? 

Ellie doesn't have to answer one question. Thankfully.

Throughout the meeting her and Rose have been making eye contact, and Rose looks worried. Ellie mouths "tomorrow" and taps on her non-existent watch, and Rose nods.

Sylvia Howard, and her much less outspoken husband John, have been firing questions at Maria for what feels like half an hour. People are getting restless, leaning forward and closing their eyes or whispering to their families. Maria looks like she's reached the end of her rope, her answers getting shorter and franker by the minute.

"But what I don't get, and you have to explain this to me, is why  _no one_ is acting like this is  _serious._ Jesus, is it too much to ask for some alarm around here? I've just fucking had it with this 'oh, okay then' attitude--" 

It's already been decided that only ten people will be allowed outside the fence at a time, provided there is an attack on Jackson, so Maria raises her hand respectfully. "Sylvia, Sylvia--" 

"No, _no_ , no. This is fucking serious..."

It goes on like that for a long time. 

Tommy makes sure everyone understands what's happened before effectively ending it. Joel approaches him and pats his arm. "I'll see you tomorrow mornin', alright?" 

Ellie and Joel join the town as everyone walks back to their homes. They tread the dirt in silence. She wonders how many times they've done this, returned together from a town meeting, the night sky above them and the faint glow from the bonfire following their path. Their house isn't that far away as compared to others'. Two and a half minutes and they're approaching the porch. 

Inside is pitch dark. Joel goes to turn on lights while she heads upstairs, using her hands for guidance. Her clothes smell like smoke and something else that's strange--she knows what it is--and she wants nothing more than to be rid of it. Returning downstairs completely changed, she enters the living room. Joel sits on his chair, his head tipped back. She sits on the couch and grabs the book sitting on the side table. 

Just like in the tent, Ellie can't bring herself to string together a sentence. Her mind is all over the place, and her legs feel restless like she has to stretch them, but even when she does it just goes back to that feeling, like she has to  _move_ \--

Joel moves from his pliant position to an upright one, and he takes something from the table between them. He switches out a knife from his pants pocket, and starts...doing something. It's hard to see with only one dim lamp on in the room. 

"What's that?" Ellie asks, peering in the dark. 

Joel seems surprised that she noticed. "It's a woodcarving." 

"Really?" She leans towards him to inspect said wood. 

"It ain't nothin' right now," Joel offers it to her. "But after a few days you'll start to see what it's gonna be."

The block of wood, just by itself, looks like something tribal. Maybe it's just the scent, or the ruggedness of it, like it was just chipped off a trunk and brought in here. It evokes such potentiality; a desire in natural born artists to make something of it. And this is when she realizes Joel is an artist. 

"What's it gonna be?" She asks, handing it back to him. 

He smirks. "Ain't tellin' you." 

"What? 'You ain't?'" Her Southern accent sounds just as silly and stiff as it feels. She only does it because she knows Joel hates it. 

"It's a surprise," he replies simply.

"How long will it take?" 

"It'll take as long as it takes, flapjack." 

She starts. Do her ears deceive her? "Fucking _flapjack_?"

Their banter is light, and no where near exhausting. Ellie just likes it when they can be jokers together, she might even immensely _enjoy_ it, and she knows he likes it too, though admitting it for him would be like walking barefoot on hot coals. Torture. But they can't be jokers all the time, and sooner or later what goes on on the outside influences what goes on on the inside. Ellie's thoughts return to what's happened the past few days. 

"Do you think..." she starts to ask when the silence has stretched long enough. "Do you think something bad's about to happen?" 

Joel stops carving and looks at her, the knife and the block of wood held in each hand. Ellie's no where near poetic, but she does think something nauseously philosophical. It reminds her of the duality of who Joel is as a person. On one hand, he can create things that are beautiful, useful. 

On the other, he is a wielder of destruction.

"I don't know." Is his response. Not really a man of many words, either. 

 

Rose and her are standing on the river bank, competing to see whose stones skip the farthest.

Ellie flicks her wrist, and her stone skips straight across the water, disappearing as six ripples follow it. She throws her hands up in the air. "Oh!  _Six_ skips! Six. Skips. You can't beat that." 

Rose narrows her eyes in concentration, and with a steady hand, sends hers flying even farther. She turns and jabs Ellie in the stomach. "Eight. Keep the change, ya filthy animal." 

The sun hangs high above their heads, the heat forming beads of sweat on their backs. Rose has a bathing suit, Ellie doesn't. She settles for shorts and a tank top instead. Her and Rose have talked more than once about what it might be like for a stranger to come across this river for the first time, see at least twenty people of all ages, swimming, tanning, fishing. It is not lost on any of them (or most of them, at least) how lucky they are. 

"So," Rose says when they collapse on towels laid on the bank. Her hair may be tied in a bun, but the strands look barely contained, tendrils of dark curls longing to break free. "The last few days."

"Let's try to be happy for thirty more minutes." Ellie crosses her legs and stabs her fingers into the rocky sand. 

"It's too hot to be happy. Was it as shit scary as it sounded?"

"Yep." 

"That's it?" 

"What do you want me to say? It wasn't--it wasn't so much  _scary_ as it was...really, really shocking. Like, sobering? I don't know." 

Rose nods at her to continue.

"Being here, being inside," Ellie struggles for the right words. She's not sure Rose will understand this. "It's so different than the outside. You kind of get lulled into this sense of security, and then shit like that happens, and you think, 'maybe it's not safe, and it never was. You've just been lucky.'" 

Rose picks up a roughened stone, dragging it across her palm. "I get what you're saying. It does kind of seem like this is all going to collapse one day, doesn't it. Like it's gonna be taken away from us." 

Ellie keeps quiet, because she doesn't disagree. 

"But that's what keeps people like you on their feet." Rose interjects, sensing her somber mood. "You don't trust it, which can be a good thing, but at the same time, you have to  _enjoy_ the time you have here. That's all you can do, really." 

Ellie lays down and rests her eyes. "Did I ever tell you I think you were a monk in your past life?" 

"No," Rose's voice sounds farther away. "But you're going to be really angry after this." 

A cascade of cold river water envelops her face and upper body. Ellie shoots up, sputtering. Rose stands a few feet away holding an empty bucket and a smile brimming with raucous laughter behind it. She shrieks when Ellie tackles her into the water. 

For now, they can be happy and open and not have to pay attention to every minute detail. For now, nature is working with them, not against them. If a certain pair of eyes were to see them from the shelter of the mountain trees, it's like they'd be seeing what it was like twenty five years ago. 

 

"Let me ask you something," Ellie says. 

"Shoot." 

"Did you just take up woodcarving, or have you been doing it for a while?"

Joel narrows his eyes at her. "Why do I feel like you're gettin' somethin' out of this." 

She widens her eyes, radiating innocence and her never ending ability to get what she wants most of the time, when Joel's concerned. That sounds too bratty--she doesn't ask for a lot. "I don't want anything. Just curious." 

He snorts, but concedes, "Started when I was twelve. Then life got kind of busy for a number of different reasons. So I stopped. It just happened that way." 

"Why start now?" She asks. 

"Because now's the right time." 

She gently touches the piece of wood, no longer just a chipped block, but the beginnings of something beautiful. "Sure you don't want to tell me what this is?" 

His large hand grabs her forearm and gently shoves her away. "I'm sure." 


	10. Chapter 10

She's running so fast that the air feels cold on the hair of her arms. She sees Riley make it up to the crate, silhouetted against the light of the open window, shouting something like "up here, Ellie," and she follows her voice like her life depends on it. Which it does. 

It's the moment where their hands almost touch that haunts her. Riley got bit because they just couldn't  _fucking_ touch each other's hands.

She relives the moment again, but this time when she falls Riley's face is all she sees, filled with disappointment and exasperation. Ellie sees her turn away, disappearing out the open window, leaving her alone. She will never see her again but she's got bigger things to worry about because she hits the ground and thirty zombies start tearing at her flesh. She hears Riley yell, somewhere far away, "Why the _fuck_ didn't you make it out?"

She startles awake, staring at the ceiling from her bed. Tears have made trail marks down to her ears, and she gently touches them with the pads of her fingers.

The moment when Riley raised a hand to show her bite, she'll never forget the relief that flooded her system. And she will never forget the absolute shame that seeped like bile after that.  _It's because it meant you weren't alone_ , her mind defends.  _It's because it meant you were going to die with your best friend._

Ellie misses her. It's more or less an ache, a feeling she knows she will survive, but that just makes it more painful for whatever reason. There isn't a day that goes by when she doesn't think of her. Something will happen, or she'll see something, and she'll think, _man, I wish she was here to see this_. 

It's weird that, of all the things they've talked about, Riley has only come up once with Joel. Ellie hasn't brought her up again, and she hasn't come clean about the depth of her feelings. She doesn't like that phrase. "Come clean," as if there was something dirty to begin with. 

She's crushed hard on two people in her life: the first and strongest was Riley, and then there was a kid named Josh Bell. He was an irritating little shit, but he was funny, and nothing gets Ellie like a sense of humor. 

She wonders what's happened to him. Either he's in the military now, or he opted out and became a quarantine citizen. She guesses one thing to be seriously grateful for is the fact that she's no longer trapped in the walls of the Boston QZ. She would be a cadet right now, if she'd never visited that mall, never got bitten. Really fucking weird. 

She would've never met Joel. 

She sits up and picks the sleep out of her eyes, using the bed sheets to dry her face. The air smells still and unfiltered. It's approaching the end of September, and since it's Wyoming, there's less and less time to leave the bedroom window open for a nice breeze. She dresses, brushes her teeth and hair in the bathroom, and ambles downstairs robotically. 

Joel's eating fried eggs at the dining table, looking at nothing. Ellie sees two on the frying pan left for her, shovels them onto a plate, and joins him. They exchange good mornings, and the weather is nice and crisp today, and shit I'm hungry. Wordlessly, Ellie flips open her book and starts to read. The two of them are used to silence.

"Plans today?" He asks. 

"Hmm. I have to...feed the animals and clean their stalls. And it's my turn to herd them in tonight." 

"Good," He says. The way he says it rouses some suspicion out of her.

"What about you? What're you doing today?" 

He gets up with his plate and walks to the sink. "I'm goin' out. Hunting." Ellie narrows her eyes at his back, as his steady hands distractedly scrub at his plate with the sponge. "Bringin' Esther along."

Oh.  _Oh_. His evasiveness (or maybe it's awkwardness) makes sense now.

What doesn't make sense is the weighty feeling she feels in her chest. She ignores it, or tries, anyway. 

"Oh. Nice." And that's all she has to say. 

He turns back around and walks toward the table, drying his hands with a dish towel. "You wanna see if you can get out early, join up with us? Esther sure likes you." 

Ellie takes the fork and eats the next to last bite of the first egg. "You know what, I know today's gonna be just brutal. Busy, I mean. You go ahead." She looks at a clock on the oven that doesn't work and says, "Oh man, should probably head out now. Maria wants me there early." She stands up from her chair, passing him on the way to the sink. 

"Maybe you should finish those eggs." 

"No, I'm not hungry. I'll see you later." Once she's out the door she shouts, "Tell Esther I said hi,"

She doesn't jog away. She...power walks. 

 

The animals have been out for a long time when she gets there. The clock on the stable reads 12:15, and noon is the time to feed them, so she gets right to it, even though technically her shift hasn't started yet. Where the fuck's Daniella?

Each pasture has a communal feeding pit, and when she gets to the horses', she dumps several buckets of grain hay into the large metal basin, whistling for Tolu. 

Tolu is the oldest horse out of thirteen, and because of this, the other horses will stop what they're doing and follow her when she goes to feed. It's weird, almost like a behavioral pack habit. Tolu was already making her way towards Ellie when she saw her enter the pen, but she breaks into a fast trot upon hearing Ellie's call. Just like clockwork, all ten of the others appear out of various places, stopping what they're doing. 

"Hi you beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful, awesome, talented woman." Ellie laughs when Tolu slows in front of her. Her horse lowers her head, and Ellie touches her forehead with her own. "What do you say we go riding today."

She backs away and lets them feed, heading out for the other animals. 

Maria is shoveling hay into a wheelbarrow near the supply barn when Ellie approaches. "Hey. You feeding them?" She asks.

"Yep."

Maria nods. "I was gonna help you some, but something came up on the fence. Once Jeremy gets here I'm heading over."

Ellie leans on the barn wall next to her. "What happened?" 

"Nothing. Just a technical problem, nothing we can't fix." 

Ellie spent a lot of her time at the wall with Earl, the first few months. There were a lot of repairs and innovation that needed to be done, and she found the work relaxing and hard. What her brain needed. She'll help out every now and then, whenever she can. 

Jeremy owes her a few favors, and she knows he would cover her shift if she asked. "You want me to come with?" 

Maria looks at her sideways. "It's okay, Ellie." 

She's also spent a lot of time with Maria, and so she knows when something's not quite right. Ellie doesn't like her tone, or the evasive way she's acting. "Was this outside damage?" She asks slowly. 

Maria's eyes lighten with relief as Jeremy comes around the corner, holding two apples, freshly picked from the wild orchard a few miles away on the latest supply run. "Hey, you're all set," Jeremy tells Maria. He wordlessly tosses Ellie an apple and walks into the barn. 

"Outside damage." Maria walks away. "See you later, sweetie."

Ellie is left alone, with nothing but the apple in her hand and the switchblade she keeps on her in her back pocket. She crosses her arms and stares at the ground, a melancholy feeling burrowing into her gut. There's something wrong. 

 

Jeremy is a decent kid. Only fifteen years old, and every once in a while he'll say something sarcastic that makes her laugh. Today it was, "Do you know that if the sun exploded it would take us eight minutes to find out? Bursting into flames would just be a greatway to go."

The afternoon is beginning to color the sky orange when Ellie mounts Tolu. "One quick ride," she promises Jeremy, when he advises her not to go too far out by herself. It's been two weeks since the bodies were found. And it's not that she isn't cautious or suspicious, she's more suspicious than anybody. It's that if she stays in this town another minute today she will go berserk. 

And she has unfinished business to take care of. 

Ellie leads Tolu out of the back gates, setting into motion a plan to snake around the outside perimeter, and study the pillars of metal and empty oil tanks as she goes. There's gotta be something somewhere, she knows it. 

She finds it on the south wall. An enormous dent with black scuff marks surrounding it, like someone used something for leverage and then scratched at it with the butt of their gun or something. She gets off Tolu and inspects it carefully, kneeling and hanging her arm over her leg.  _Something is off. What the fuck is happening?_

She turns around and sits on her butt, fighting fatigue and this sense of helplessness, like whatever is happening is so out of her control that she's just kidding herself at this point. Jackson is strong, and there are plenty of natural-born survivors, but she feels like a tsunami is coming.

Ellie rides Tolu close to the fence to work off energy, never straying uncomfortably far. Thoughts of Joel keep forming like ripples in the sea of her brain, and she tries to keep them at bay, but it doesn't work. She wonders if he and Esther are still hunting together. She wonders if he's home, and she's there with him. She wonders what her face will look like to him if she walks through that door and sees them there together, sitting at the dining table, him teaching her to play the guitar. She heard Esther tell Joel once that she always wanted to learn. 

Ellie likes Esther. She can be funny, although sometimes she just frankly _isn't_. She's gotten a few laughs out of Joel, which is no small feat. She has jet black hair that she keeps cut at the shoulders, and is proud of her Jewish heritage even though she does not practice the religion. When Ellie asked her to elaborate on that more, she explained that Jewishness is as much a cultural identity as it is a religious affiliation. Ellie sat, fascinated, turning this new information over in her mind the way a child would their first seashell. She remembers thinking there was so much she didn't know, so much no one ever taught. Also, she's nice.

So...when did Esther start being an obstacle? 

Maybe Ellie is being unfair. Maybe she should shut up. 

When she gets back, she herds the animals to their respective stables, her eyes drooping of their own accord. The day was short, but it was so, so long. She stops by Rose's house to say hi and goodnight to her family, and then treks back to her own. It feels weird to call it "home." It doesn't quite fit in her brain. 

The light in the kitchen is on. 

She doesn't pause outside the door like she wants to, because that would be childish, and she stopped being a kid when she was fourteen. She opens the door right away, already having readied herself on the walk over. She will let nothing behind this door affect her. It can try, but she won't let it. No, sir. 

She releases a breath she didn't know she was holding when he spots him alone, doing dishes. She sees that dinner is already made and waiting on the stove: roasted duck.

"That smells wicked good." Ellie says. Her voice disrupts the mild quiet. 

Joel turns, but he takes a dish in his hands. "'Wicked.' That's a Boston phrase if I ever heard one." 

She walks over and leans in to get a closer look at it. "Just the right amount of crispy," She pokes it. "And very tender. Your culinary skills continue to impress me." 

Joel lets out a short breath from his nostrils. "That was a joint effort. Esther took hers home to eat with her brother." 

Ellie's mouth sours. So, they did spend an afternoon in this kitchen. In all likeliness, they spent the whole day together. Nice. 

"Let's eat, yeah?" Joel prods her. Without realizing it, she hones in on one wooden panel in the floorboard. Her shoulders feel heavy, so does her head. Why does everything feel so  _heavy_? Or like, she's trying to run across a frozen lake and she keeps slipping or feeling like she's about to and tensing her muscles so hard that it's almost like slipping would be better.

She hears Joel say, "Food helps you if you're exhausted." Ellie comes to, her eyes blinking away the mist of distracting thoughts. In the time it's taken her to get out of the self induced haze, he's already got two plates set up and waiting on the table. "But I'm starting to feel like it ain't just that." 

"I'm good, Joel." Is her quiet response. Before he can do the exact opposite of attest to that fact, she sits down. 

The duck is good.

The silence isn't.

It teeters on the edge of uncomfortable, and that's just not how things work with them. Five years of sticking together and learning nuances and when to shut up and when to comfort is what makes them the team. Ellie senses some of it slipping away, albeit temporarily, and she observes the change with a detached lens, because it's easier that way.

"That was really good. Thank you." She finishes and cleans her plate, her feet carrying her up the stairs. She doesn't like how this evening has gone. She wants to sleep. 

"Hey," Joel gets up from his chair. He walks to her. She halted on the third step, so when he gets to her, it's kind of like they're the same height. "I'm finished with it."

"With what?" Her voice sounds so sad. 

Wordlessly, he takes something out of his pocket and puts it in her hand. Ellie feels it, small and pointy, definitely wooden. She casually steps back down and enters the kitchen, because she can hardly see on the dark stairs. Immediately she recognizes it as the same grainy texture of the block of wood. Not a block any more.

Joel made a horse. 

"Tolu." He says.

It's only the size of her thumb, and it's impossibly intricate. The horse has reigns, it's mane seems like it's made of individual strands of hair, and its nostrils are flared. On its flanks are ripples of muscle. This is a strong horse. This is her Tolu. 

"I..." Ellie lifts it to her nose. It smells like wood, what do you know. "This--" 

"Only took me seven hours." Joel smirks at her. His eyes are guarded and light at the same time. 

Ellie inspects the thing's eyes. They have  _eye lids_. Joel made Tolu with  _eye lids_ and hooves. Joel made a part of Ellie. 

 _Do not cry, do not fucking cry. Don't._ _Woman, d_ _o NOT_ \--

"Thisisbeautifuhankyou." She nearly runs out of the room. She might've heard him call her name, but she keeps on the stairs. Shutting the door of her bedroom must feel to Joel like she's shutting him out, and for now, it is that way. But it's only because the other option is to let him in, and is that doable? No. 

For now, she'll try to sleep with Tolu in the hand that's held over her chest. It keeps her together. 

 

Rose doesn't know what the dent means, either.  

"It looks like a rock was banged into it, repeatedly," is her offered advice. Ellie tips her head back and drags her hands over her face. 

"Maria won't tell me what it is. Or what she thinks it is." 

"Have you asked her?" 

She plucks on a tuft of grass, laying the wreckage in her lap. "Not like I want to. But I just know." Ellie thinks of herself as a good judge of character, and she knows when people don't trust her. 

Rose sits beside her on the ground. "Ellie. You always do that."

"Do what?" 

"Shoot down things before you even know what's going on. _Talk_ to her. You're an adult here, just talk to her."

Ellie snorts, her voice higher. It gets like that when she's defensive. "No, I don't. What do you mean?"

Rose looks away, clearly uncomfortable. "You haven't been acting like yourself for a while. I don't know what's going on, but I feel like you're shutting people out." 

Ellie feels prickles of heat and anger at the back of her neck. Her cheeks feel uncommonly warm. "What's happening is nothing makes sense to me." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Nothing. Just forget it." 

"No." Rose's voice is tinged with irritation, which isn't a first, but it's still surprising. "What's the matter?"

 _What's the matter_. 

How about Joel and Esther. Or the fact that she hasn't been able to hunt properly in two weeks. Or the constant danger she feels just waking up in the morning, worry gnawing at her brain because there's a chance it's going to be the last normal day. Confusion about the people she loves, what she would do if she lost them. Confusion about her place in this community, in this broken country, in the world. 

Self doubt and self hatred. Guilt. A lot of guilt. 

"I don't know." She says. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Please stop talking about it."

"Ellie," Rose murmurs. Ellie hates the pity in her voice. "Why don't you talk to Joel?"

"Hey." She wants to lash out at her friend, make her go away, drive her out, but she won't. She won't hurt Rose like Riley hurt her. Where would it get her, any way? "I know you're trying to make this better, but please stop.  _Please_." 

"Okay." Rose hugs her knees to her chest. "Sorry." 

It's better than making her run away, so Ellie doesn't take the apology for granted. "I'm just as confused as you are.  _I'm_ sorry." _  
_

Rose looks at her, her brown eyes very wide. "I really want you to know, though, that you're not alone. You've got people here who love you, want to support you." She puts her arm around Ellie's shoulder, half-way hugging her. "You've definitely got me." 

Ellie puts her face in her knees, squeezing her eyes shut, not allowing one tear to escape. She knows she's got Rose, Tommy, Maria. She even knows she's got Joel. There are people here who she could not stand to lose, or disappoint. And it may be just a perk of having a "family," but right now it feels like a lot of responsibility. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my story Riley was without a doubt Ellie's first love.
> 
> Also, I know this slow build is almost unbearable, but we can bear it together!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of mental instability and angst in this chapter, as a warning. Also thank you for waiting. Enjoy!

Joel knocks on Tommy and Maria's front door, one hand placed under the casserole dish and the other rapping on the wood. Ellie stands behind him, carrying a bottle of wine, looking up at the evening sky. 

Tommy answers the door with a grin on his face. "What the hell are you knockin' for?" 

"Your door's locked," Joel says as he pushes inside. Ellie follows suit, smiling when Tommy puts a hand on her back. 

"Ellie, Maria's got somethin' she wants to show you in the kitchen. I don't know what the fuck it is--sorry. _What_ it is." 

"Ok, sure," Ellie walks in one direction while Joel and his brother go the other. From the corner of her eye, she sees him looking after her as Tommy leads him away, his face unreadable. She feels shame. 

The house is bathed in dim, orange light. Ellie enters the kitchen to see what Maria has to show her, the wine hanging slackly at her hip, her lip pulled between her teeth. The kitchen is warm, and smells like meat and seasoning. 

"Smells good," she compliments, raising an eye brow at Maria's turned back. She's hunched over something, her arms moving like she's using them to adjust minute details. 

"Yes it does." Maria murmurs distractedly. "Okay. Voila." 

She steps aside and Ellie's greeted with a cake. "It's...a cake." She hasn't had cake in a long time. Cake is nice, cake is great. But is there something she's missing? Maria sees the slightly puzzled look on her face, one she hadn't meant to show at all, and explains what it is.

"A carrot cake." 

" _Oh_. Like, there's...carrots in it." The prospect is less than appetizing. 

"No." Maria laughs. "It's got  kirsch, cinnamon, and walnuts. With butter milk frosting. I think you'll like it." 

"Oh, really? Nice. Thank you." 

She walks to it and bends her head, inhaling. "Man, that smells delicious. Thank you." She repeats. The last thing she wants is Maria thinking she's ungrateful. She is genuinely excited to try it. 

Maria reaches over the counter and snags a notecard resting on the wooden surface. She hands it to Ellie, her hurried scrawl taking up both sides of the card. "Wrote you down the recipe. We have everything we need for it in the community pantry, just take what you need when you're feeling up to it." 

Ellie takes the card and nods. "Thanks."

Maria laughs. Confusion paints Ellie's face, and she asks, "What?"

"You've said thank you three times already! It's no big deal, Ellie. I promise." Her eyes crinkle warmly, although there is the slightest hint of worry in there, too. Does _everyone_ think she's losing it?

Ellie doesn't know what to say to that, so she simply gives a tentative laugh and surveys the rest of the kitchen, looking for a distraction. "So, what's on the menu for tonight?" 

"Roast beef, with a sauce Tommy and Joel used to make in Texas." Maria leans against the counter and gestures outside. "We were gonna do barbeque, or at least  _I_ wanted to, but Joel told us you'd wanna have the sauce instead. I trust his judgement."

The distant, dull pain knocking on Ellie's skull is so out of the blue that she just keeps talking. "If it's from Texas, then I know it's good." Weird. Just came on suddenly, and she hasn't had a migraine in a long ass time--

A piercing pain stabs through her head, and instinctively she hunches over the counter, an  _arghh_ slipping from her lips. Maria is at her side in an instant, a firm hand holding her elbow. 

"Ellie? You okay?" 

"Yeah...yes," She moans, pressing her fingers to her temples. Her head throbs rhythmically, a pulsing she's never before experienced. 

Joel's rough voice breaks through the cloud of pain. "What is it?" She hears him demand. Now there are two hands holding her, instead of one. 

"I don't know. She just doubled over." 

"It's okay." Ellie lies, squeezing her eyes further shut when another wave of pain comes. She hisses between her teeth. Pulsing red. Hurts. Shit. 

"Is it a pain in your head, Ellie?' Maria asks. She leaves to get a cool rag, while Joel's hands remain glued to her arms. Ellie nods yes, taking the rag gratefully and with unsteady hands when Maria presses it to her forehead. Joel's fingers slowly slide off her skin, like he's had to convince himself to let go. 

"Fuck," Ellie lets out. 

Luckily, albeit slowly, the pain ebbs away until it becomes a drone, faint and funneled. "I don't know what happened," Ellie admits, straightening tentatively. Her heart beat is going so fast, and there's sweat on her brow. "That felt ten times worse than a migraine." 

"You should lie down for a few minutes," Maria implores. Ellie shakes her head and insists she's okay, relieved that the hurt is over. 

Slowly, the pace of the evening picks back up, and Ellie's disruption becomes a small bump in the road. The four of them stand outside, where the grill is, sipping wine and sharing takes on life. It's easy to push the incident to the back if her mind, because here are three people trying to have a good time and succeeding, and it's infectious.

Ellie hears Joel laugh, and it does something to her stomach. It may be because the wine's getting to her head. Just a little bit.

They sit at the dining table to eat, and she can't keep back her worries. What could have brought on a pain of that intensity? Joel sits across from her and looks at her from time to time in a way that tells her he's not through thinking about it, either. She drinks some more wine. 

"Been havin' to ask the Geschardts to stop takin' so much food from the inventory." Tommy relays in the midst of conversation. "They've got three people in their family, and the shit they take? It's as if they're feedin' eight."

"How many times have you asked 'em to cut down?" Joel asks as he swallows.

"It'd be two times. But what am I gonna do, tell them they gotta hunt for themselves now?" 

"If they do it again, yes." Maria replies. "Simple as that. We can't allow that in this town. If people catch onto what they're doing, they could get angry, start doing it themselves." 

"Maria," Tommy says shortly, like even the thought of that idea exhausts him. "I'm not doin' that to nobody. There are other ways to handle it." 

Ellie can guess this is how a lot of their talks about Jackson and its residents go: Maria suggests the drastic, cut throat method of dealing with things, and Tommy flat out negates it. 

"You're a softie at heart," Maria says. 

"Well, you've caught me there." Tommy smiles at his wife. 

Their little argument dies out as quickly as it came. Ellie's envious of their ability of calm themselves down, not make something big out of something small. Her and Joel could take a few pointers. 

Maria asks Ellie how Rose is doing. Ellie explains that she's been learning herbal medicine from Tricia, a retired nurse and a health nut. Inch by inch, more stories are carved out and shared, and as far as dinners go, it's pleasant. Ellie has been feeling so distant and removed lately, but the wine helps her with that.

It's when Tommy brings up the past, makes a cavalier mention of the Fireflies, that the evening changes. Things quickly go downhill. 

Talking about Alan Grant, the one psychologist living in Jackson, leads to talking about "the human spirit" and how much one person can be affected by negative shit going on around them. Tommy makes a remark like, "Hell, sometimes good things come of it. Seein' all that misery is the reason I joined the Fireflies. There was hope there." And from then on, things go to fucking hell.

Immediately, like pulling a plug, there's a shift in the atmosphere. Joel tenses, his hands tightening, fork pausing above the plate. Ellie's eyes don't move from the table, and she feels her chest physically harden. Tommy and Maria change, too, if not for the fact that their guests probably look like marble statues. 

Quickly, Joel recovers, and continues scraping around his plate, evening out his breath. "Sure," He admits. "Good things do come of it."

Ellie feels sudden, unfathomable rage. How  _dare_ he act normal. 

They say a few more things. She doesn't hear them.

It remains ridiculously quiet. There's wine buzzing in her ears and Ellie realizes she's got two options here: she can let this moment pass in silence, or she can seize it. The alcohol in her system has her feeling bold.

"The Fireflies do give a lot of hope, don't they." The voice is her ears sounds like someone else's. Tommy looks surprised she even said anything. Joel just looks like he doesn't know what the hell she's doing. "It's a shame they stopped trying. When it was their whole purpose, you know. Finding a cure." 

"Yes," Tommy voices. "Suppose it is a shame." 

Maria places her elbows on the table and scrutinizes the girl across from her. 

"Maybe they started trying again," Ellie wonders. She hurls every bit of sarcasm she can at the man across from her. "I guess we'll never fucking know." 

"Somethin' on your mind?" Joel asks lowly, dangerously. 

Ellie shrugs and keeps her voice steady, but inwardly, she's laughing. "No. Just thinking about...the past." 

"Dinner was great," Joel says. "I'll get that cake." Then he leaves. 

Tommy and Maria both look at Ellie. There's no longer hints of worry in Maria's eyes; it's there, full fledge. "You sure you're fine, Ellie?"

No. "Yes. Sorry about that."

"It's ok," Tommy drawls, his voice leaking suspicion. 

Joel brings the cake out silently and sets it roughly on the table. He uses the knife in his other hand expertly, cutting three slices with quick precision. He hands Tommy and Maria their plates, nearly throws one at Ellie, and sits back down. 

"Eat up," He says, making an attempt at lightness.  

"You don't want one?" Tommy asks his brother. 

"Not hungry." 

Ellie isn't, either. But the slice of cake below her is as good an excuse as any not to talk, so she begins shoveling fork fulls into her mouth, keeping her eyes down. Everything happened so fast, and the dinner plates still remain on the table. It's a cluttered mess. 

It's in relative silence that they have their cake. Conversation is picked up now and then, but the rest of the evening passes by in quiet wrought with tension. 

Ellie looks at Joel, and she knows they're going to have a little discussion tonight. Maybe its high time for that. Maybe, she's ready. 

 

The walk back is awkward and tense and Ellie's fingers nervously spasm against her palm. The alcohol is still in her system, but it's not enough to make her feel bold anymore. It makes her feel like an idiot.

What she just did was really, really stupid, even though it felt right and maybe even somewhat poetic at the time. Leave it to her to be a dramatic little shit head. Now she knows she's made a mistake, but pride isn't going to allow her to admit that to Joel, who's not even walking next to her. He's a few steps ahead. 

They enter the house in silence, and Joel is so angry that he doesn't say anything. He just leans against the counter and waits for her, like he's the king of this house, his lips pressed into a thin line. Ellie's temper still feels raw.  

"Dinner was great," She says experimentally. 

"What in the hell is goin' on with you?" Joel demands, his face the most serious she's seen it in months. She looks away. 

"Nothing." 

"Stop lyin' to me. If you would just--"

"Just _what_? Tell you all my feelings, like I'm fucking twelve years old?

"No. Tell me like an adult." 

Ellie frames her head in her hands and opens her mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. He's going to have to pry this out of her inch by agonizing inch, and she doesn't think either of them are ready for that. She turns around and looks at the counter top, fuming. 

"Ellie." Joel's voice softens. "Fuck. I can't help if you don't..." 

"I'm not yours." Ellie says through her teeth.  "You're not obligated to help me with anything. Great, we took a trip when I was a kid. I'm not your concern anymore." 

Joel laughs quietly, but she still hears it. She turns around in complete indignation, and equally as surprised. "What the fuck is so funny?"

Joel's got a knuckle pressed to his mouth and his lip curves behind it. His expression is the one he had on constantly before they really got to know each other. When she was just cargo to him. "You sure that trip was five years ago? You're still actin' like a little shit." 

Ellie's mouth nearly falls open. 

"You haven't learned a goddamn thing since all that time, I guess." Joel's hand leaves his face and falls to his chest, where he crosses his arms. "You be mad all you want. Go ride Tolu. Punch a tree. But don't say you're not my concern again." 

"If I don't want to  _be_ your concern, then I'm not." Ellie seethes. 

"It don't work like that." Joel's no longer being gentle with her. He tosses aside all the bullshit and gives her the raw truth. Ellie, like a buoy in a storming ocean, floats there completely vulnerable, and just takes it. "You want to be treated like an adult in this community, and yet you think bein' an adult means shutting out the people you love. You think that's strong. It's not. It's weak." 

Ellie nearly trips over self-righteousness. "Who the fuck are you to point fingers at me? Shutting people out is all you ever do. From what Tommy's told me, you've been doing it for twenty-five years." 

It's a low blow. Ellie regrets it as soon as it leaves her mouth. Adrenaline, however, will not allow her to say 'I'm sorry.' She's afraid if she opens her mouth, she'll say something he won't be able to forgive or forget. So she makes herself shut up and looks at the floor. 

The pain comes back in full force. 

Ellie groans and leans heavily on the counter, her hands flying to her head. Joel strides forward and puts his on her shoulders, prodding her like the airport security she's heard so much about from older people. It pounds and pinches her nerves, leaving her virtually helpless, which is the last thing she wants after having this argument. She wants to get away, to recollect. Not to be comforted by this man. 

"S'alright, you're fine. Just breathe." Joel murmurs into the space between them. And goddammit, Ellie tries to do what he says but pushes him in the chest at the same time. He stumbles back in alarm. She's shocked at her own behavior too, and eventually, ashamed.

"Fuck," Ellie says. 

The tears surprise her as much as they surprise the man across from her. They pool and spill warmly from her lids, trailing paths down her face, around her chin. She makes no move to wipe them, just looks at a floor that's gone blurry in her vision, a lump forming in her throat like a dam. Surprisingly, her pain drains as the tears flow. 

Joel stands stock still, and she's sure his face must match his body language, but she sees his hand twitch at his side. She's not sure what she wants him to do, she just needs someone to do  _something_. 

He hesitates for a _long_ time. Which means he doesn't quite trust her. But it only takes a few seconds to step toward her and reach his hand out to place it on her cheek, wiping away the tears with his rough thumb. She closes her eyes and lets out a shaky breath, feeling like she's going to pop. 

"Ellie," Joel's other hand goes to her right cheek, using his ring and middle finger to get at the wetness there. He cups her face in his now damp palms, and it's her who tilts her head to look up at him. If someone told her yesterday that Joel and her would be doing this, she would laugh at them. And yet here they are and it doesn't feel real.

"I'm sorry," 

"It's alright." 

"No," She says. "No." 

He envelopes her in his arms, and she finally bunches her hands in the fabric on his sides. She breathes against his shirt, her shoulders trembling, feeling like she's at the edge of a waterfall and the only way out is down.

Into his shirt, she mouthes "goodbye," so subtly he'd never suspect a thing.  

 

Laying in bed, she comes to one conclusion: no one can help her. No one can understand, no one can even emphasize with what's happening in her brain because who the fuck else is the cure for man kind?

It doesn't matter that she's not the only one. She has an obligation to the people in this town, to the whole fucking world, and if one more person gets their throat bitten out it's her fault. These thoughts are brash, frank, heavy, but it's what she thinks at 2:30 in the morning, and because it's so late she knows they're real.

This conclusion leads her to another, far more important, far more drastic one: she's going to leave tonight.

She's going back to Salt Lake City. She's going to find whoever's there, whoever's left, and she's going to make them pry this curse from her body if it kills her. Which, when she recounts Joel's confession four years ago, it will.  

When she succumbs to this (and succumb is such a dramatic word for it), the relief she feels is so intense it's like it's coming out of her pores. There's a flip side to that coin, which is immense guilt and fear for the man she's leaving behind, the man who's become an integral part of her life, the man whose never willingly going to let her go. 

So, telling him isn't going to be an option. 

She decides leaving in an hour is what's best, both for her chances of getting away without incident and for her state of mind. 

Of course, an hour will go by agonizingly slow, so why not now? Right now. 

She keeps her backpack in her room, so it's already there. She throws three outfits in, as well as things from the drawers of her desk. The walkman Rick got working, the pun books, her mother's letter, and of course Riley's pendent. Sam's toy has long since been given to one of the smaller kids. 

The knife was left in the pocket of the jeans she now slips on, and food and water is downstairs, along with her sneakers. The door of her room is old, so it can't open without giving a few creaks. Each one leaves her grimacing, because Joel's room is across the hall, but he's sleeping, she knows he is. 

The stairs don't do her any favors, either. But never mind that. 

Five minutes and she's ready. She opens the door of the house and stealths her way through the town for the weak spot in the wall, the one that leads to the meadow. She slips through; when her body passes through the fence it's like shedding thick, heavy armor. 

She can't resist sprinting once she reaches the other side. She just...has to. A smile comes to play on her face and this is the first time in four years she's felt  _alive_. Fucking alive. 

There's no time for guilt and remorse, no time to think of what Joel will do when he wakes up and finds her gone. There's only time to survive the harsh realities of these woods, and she will fucking survive if it kills her. No pun intended.

 

What the fucking shit is she doing out here.

An hour has never passed by so agonizingly slow. She spends it pacing forward a few yards, freezing, sitting on the nearest rock to put her head in her hands. She can  _feel_ the dark circles under her eyes, the grease marring her skin and her hair. It's like this hour has physically aged her. This idea was terrible.

It's not a matter of whether she's ready to be the cure or not--she is, she always will be. It's a matter of conscience. Four years ago, she might've been able to do this without hesitation. She certainly thought about it a lot. Now, there's just... _too much_ . She didn't even think about Rose, or Tolu-- _why the fuck didn't she bring_   _Tolu_ \--or Tommy, Maria. Leaving would mean letting go. Getting used to a reality where they're not with her anymore.

She's grown now, and she'll admit when she isn't ready. She _isn't ready_. 

At the same time, she's not ready for Jackson, either. She resolves to stay out here a while longer. Clear her head, switch gears, decide once and for all what needs to be done.

The sun dawned half an hour ago, which means it's still early morning, which means there's time to get back before Joel even notices she was gone. It's amazing. An hour ago she was sprinting away and now she wants to run _back_ \--

"It's not fucking safe, Bones."

The small, tepid voice is somehow louder than rushing brook next to where she rests. It comes from the southwest, up over the bank on her right, its source hidden by a dense group of pine trees.

Ellie nearly has a heart attack and stills, sliding off the rock where she sits and crouching on the forest bank. 

"Shhh." Someone else says. An older male. "Do you hear that?"

" _No_. Stop trying to derail the subject." 

"Someone's here." 

The sun is breaking out over the trees, glancing off the wet leaves and babbling water. Today will be a sunny one. Ellie readies herself into a runner's starting position, prepared to sprint should these unidentified voices spot her. 

"There is  _no one_ here. I'm talking to you."  

The silence that follows almost kills her. To her immense relief, the man gives up. His voice is tired when he asks, "Okay. What are you talking about, exactly?" 

"People are tired. We can't stay out here, and we can't go back, either."

"I can't risk our safety because a few people are tired."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you--" Ellie freezes when the two voices become louder, more distinct. The people talking must've emerged from the line of trees on the bank directly above her. It's possible they can see her legs. "It's not safe out here. We've got too many injured. I suggest we make the move and go." 

Ellie slowly moves her leg until it's tucked neatly against her body. She wraps her arms around her knees and tries not to breathe. Oh,  _fuck_. She sees her back pack resting against the rock where she just sat.

"We don't know if they're friendly or not." 

"I know you don't think we're ready yet, but Jackson's the only way out of this forest. We know they have food and supplies. Very good security. We could _make_ it there." 

Her breath seizes in her throat, and her heart starts to pound so loudly, it's like a drum is in her ears.

The older man, whom Ellie guesses is the leader of what ever group they've got going here, sighs loudly. He seems old and wise and tired, with an accent she isn't familiar with. 

"Then we'll set out tomorrow. Go tell the others." 

"Thank you, Bones." 

Footsteps retreat into the woods, but Ellie knows the old man's still there. She doesn't dare move. 

Neither does he, apparently. It's a long time before she hears the rustling of leaves and moving branches, both sounds signaling his retreat. Even then, she waits a good amount of time before rising and snagging her backpack. 

Whatever excuse she needed for returning, quelling the daunting feeling in her stomach, she's got one now. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of drama, and basically a couple people telling Ellie she's an idiot in this chapter. Just wanted to say thank you so much for all the kind words and support. See you in two weeks, maybe sooner.

_What the fuck do I_ do _?_  

The question races through her head at the same speed she does through the forest. Breakneck. How much time she has is unclear at this point. If this Bones guy and his group are heading to Jackson now, which isn't likely because it's 6:30 in the morning, then not a lot of time at all. She might've heard him say tomorrow, but she'd be an idiot to leave it to chance. 

When she gets to the fence, she sneaks through her spot without hesitation, speeding past houses and ignoring the few people who are up and milling about until she sees the house in the distance. She allows herself to slow down only when she reaches the porch steps. Only then does she bend over and breathe, closing her eyes. She feels sick with exhaustion.

How the  _fuck_ is she going to break this news to Joel. To Tommy and Maria. She's gonna have to admit to running away, or at the very least, going outside the fence at four in the morning. She didn't even think of that problem until now, like an idiot. Ellie lets out an exhaustive breath, spitting on the ground. 

"Explain to me what it is you're doin' out here, exactly." 

Joel almost makes her jump a foot in the air. She fully expects him to be standing on the porch above her holding a coffee mug in his hand, his hair disheveled, but his voice doesn't come from there. It comes from behind her. He stands with his arms crossed lowly on his chest, his jeans dirty, holding a flashlight that isn't on. There are countless times over the years she can remember, memories of him giving her this same exact look when he thought she'd done something stupid. This time it's different. She can tell he's really angry.

"I was taking a walk," She tries to look the right amount of guilty, as opposed to how guilty she actually feels. 

"With...your back pack on." 

"I wanted to read, too." 

"From what I can tell, you left a couple hours ago. Still dark, then." Okay, he's grilling her now. She can do that, sure. 

"I brought my flash light."

Joel doesn't believe her, not for one second. That's alright, she wouldn't, either. He's just gonna have to make do with this story for now. "I was comin' back to get my back pack when I didn't find you at the stables," He says as he walks past her up the steps. "Thought you might've left."

"No." Ellie responds, following him. He holds the door open for her. "No, I didn't leave."

 _You're a liar,_ is what his patient eyes say. Ellie thinks her eyes must say,  _I know I am._

"Coffee?" Joel asks from the kitchen. She sits at the dining room table and asks for tea instead. She notices with some unease that he doesn't set to make himself anything. He simply starts to boil water for her tea and goes to sit down with her. 

_Now. Just tell him now._

"Joel--" 

"Let me go first." He says. "I want to say something." 

She shuts her mouth. 

"I'm..." He looks at his hand on his knee. "I'm...you scared me. So I figured I'd ask a few things of you." There's a vulnerability in there; Ellie doesn't think she's heard right. "It's only one thing, I guess."

"Like what?" 

Joel's eyes meet hers and they lock on her. "If you get the urge to leave, if it crosses your mind at all, tell me. I don't care if it's the middle of the night. Wake me up and tell me. And we'll go from there."

The important news Ellie thought she'd explode from not sharing escapes her mind, replaced by sheer surprise. Joel's compromising.  _Four fucking years too late,_ the cynical part of her reads. But most of her is...most of her knows it's not easy for him. 

 _Is it really fair_ , her mind retaliates.  _Is it really fair of him to ask this of you?_

Maybe not. But is it fair to leave Jackson in the middle of the night?

"Okay." She says. She won't promise or swear. But she will compromise, too. 

"Okay," He nods. Then he heads upstairs to change before Ellie can stop him and she's left alone with her thoughts, which is almost never good.

Joel moves stiffly when he returns, the way he does when he's angry but trying to move past it, trying to keep it tamed. A flannel shirt hugs his torso. The guilt of bringing to light what she's witnessed makes her shoulders feel lopsided and heavy. He goes to the pot, boiling by now, and pours the steaming water in a mug.

"Hey, I gotta talk to you about something." She says once he hands her the cup of tea. "It's important." 

He sits down. "What?"

She heaves a breath. "I went out pretty far...on my walk. And I stumbled across some people. They didn't see me, so I just heard them talk. They know about Jackson, and they're coming here either today or tomorrow, I don't know." 

Joel's face hardens. "They didn't see you?" 

"No. But they have a lot of sick, tired people. I don't know if they're a threat." 

"How far out were you?" 

This time Ellie looks down. "Oh, a few miles." 

"You--" He starts almost comically and looks down at his hands, which are clenched pretty tight. It's okay, it's cool. She knew he was gonna be pissed, this isn't a surprise.

Ellie says, "I went out too far, I don't know--but I know they're coming soon, Joel." 

Joel gets up, so does she. Without a word he strides to the door, undeniably intimidating, even to her. "How many of them are there?" 

"Not sure."  

 

They walk in on Tommy and Maria sitting down in the kitchen, going over rugged sketches of the well the town plans to build. It's clear to them from the looks on Joel and Ellie's faces this isn't just a surprise visit. 

"What is it?" Tommy asks. 

"Don't get up, we'll sit down." 

So Ellie tells them everything she knows, and thankfully they don't ask her why she was on a "walk" that early in the morning, let alone three miles out. When she's done, the four of them just kind of sit there for a minute, thoughts going different directions. Joel sits stock still, a hand on his mouth.

"So how do we go about this." Maria thinks aloud. "We don't need unnecessary panic."

"Sure, but what if itisnecessary," Tommy rebounds. "I mean. It could be fifty of those people, maybe more."  

"I don't think so," Interjects Ellie. "There were only two of them talking about what to do with their group. If they had a lot, it would be more, right?"

She's proud when they all, even Joel, concede it's a good point. 

Another point, one that's been on the back of Ellie's mind since she first heard those two voices, is touched upon, too. Whether this group has anything to do with the pile of charred bodies they found weeks ago. Unsettled is what they all feel, because there is literally no way to tell. At all. 

It's decided that they'll alert Earl and his assigned guards first, and there will be extra security measures taken. Then Maria will call a town meeting and see what goes down from there. Once the decision's reached they all stand up like they're on a war council. Ellie's read plenty of science fiction books to know what that is.

"This won't end well," Joel promises. "Probably will start a panic." 

"Come on Joel," Tommy chides. "Give them a little credit." 

 

The town meeting ended ten, fifteen minutes ago. Rose and her are leaning over the fence, watching the horses graze under the afternoon sky. Ellie thinks, _wow._  Everything is changing, like the trees and the way the sunlight hits the mountains, and she hasn't stopped to appreciate it in a long, long time.

"Were you running away, Ellie?"  

Rose asks it quietly, but her voice wavers. Out of sadness, anger, Ellie doesn't know. Maria didn't disclose her name to the town when she described what happened, but Rose didn't look at her one time, almost like she knew. And Ellie knows now she could be in deep shit.

"Just tell me," Rose prompts when she doesn't respond.

It's different with her than it is with Joel. Ellie's got things to hide behind with him; both of them are too serious for their own good. With Rose, she couldn't lie about something like this if she tried. So Ellie decides to make light of it, straightening off the fence.

"I was just taking a jog. You know me, I love jogging." It's not funny.

Then Rose pushes her, hard enough to knock her on the cold ground. Ellie stays down in stunned silence, feeling fresh scrapes on her palms from their attempt to catch her. Everything stands still for a minute.

"What the fuck gives you the right to do that?" Rose demands, furious. "Like, I can't figure you out sometimes. I can't wrap my brain around it. You have a life some people will never know. And you just decide on a whim one dayto  _throw it away_? What kind of reasoning is that?" 

"You don't know _anything_ about my reasoning. So fucking calm down." Ellie tries to retain her dignity as she picks herself up off the ground. "I know how it works outside. And I came back."

"Because you ran into a bunch of murderers, for all we know. My question for you is, what if you hadn't?"

"What do you mean 'what if I hadn't?'"

"Would you have come back?" Rose asks the question the way a person who's one hundred percent sure of the answer would, so sure Ellie will say no. Smug little shit. 

"Yes." And she can say it honestly. Yes, she would've come back. It might have taken longer, but there are too many things tethering her here. Rose being one of them. The other being the man who's waiting for her back at their house. 

"Whatever, that doesn't even matter." Rose says, turning on her again. "You don't just walk out on the people you love. You don't fucking do that to your best  _friend_." She pushes her a second time, and Ellie stumbles back, eyes wide. Both of them just kind of stare at each other for a few seconds while Rose tries to calm down. 

"I'm sorry." Ellie says. 

Rose asks, "Why?" Not why are you sorry, but why'd you do it in the first place.

Lotta ways to answer that question. "Can you trust me when I say I was....thinking it would be the best thing for everyone?" Let her interpret that how she will. 

She scoffs and leans back on the fence. "You don't make any sense."

"Rose, there's shit that happened that you don't know about." Ellie offers as her final comfort. "I wish I could tell you, but I  _can't_. I just need you to trust me." 

Rose doesn't face her again. 

"What more do you want me to say? I'm not going anywhere? You're my best friend, sorry I let you down?" 

She's not impressed. Ellie realizes she's using _Riley's_ tone. The same one she'd hear whenever Riley fucked up, i.e leaving for two and a half months, accidentally setting a pair of her shorts on fire. Apologetic, immature, sometimes not at all sincere. Rose deserves better than that.

"I was so confused. I get this feeling, sometimes. Like I'm trapped everywhere I go--it comes and goes. But the more I think about it...the more I know it wouldn't have happened."

It's a relief that Rose faces her, and Ellie feels hopeful even when her mouth presses into a thin line. "That's good, then." It's not perfect, but it's a start. Which is fucking fantastic, because Rose has somehow become the flesh of her life in Jackson, Joel the heart, and although she would never say those words out loud, she knows these people are hers. 

When Ellie gets home, her tea sits cold on the table. She picks it up and takes a sip, her face pinching at the bitter taste. The bag's been left in there since the morning. "Joel?"  

He clears his throat in the living room. She approaches the noise warily, not sure what the dynamics between them are going to be this evening. It changes, far too often than either of them like to admit. When she crosses the hallway, Joel is standing by the front window, his arms crossed the way they always are. Ellie's gaze travels to his neck, down his chest, where all the muscles are coiled and tense. 

Asking if he's okay would be trivial, and saying he looks tense would be crossing some kind of boundary, so what should she say?

He makes it easy. "D'you hear what Maria said, about leaving the town fence?"

"We're not allowed." 

"Hope you realize that applies to you, too." 

"If you're worried I'm gonna sneak out again--"

"Yeah." He cuts in promptly. "I'm worried about that." 

Her mouth opens in protest, to say something like  _well, don't be_ , but the thing is...he's got every right to be worried. And sure, she's got every right to be angry and confused, but if she's going to try to make this normal again (even though it never really was) she's gonna have to concede to some things. 

"Fair enough," She nods. The silence stretches on for what feels like an hour. She goes ahead, "But I'd much rather stick around here. Make sure you don't hurt yourself." 

"Make sure I don't--" Joel turns, probably to assess her mental stability. Ellie only gives him an uncharacteristically shy smile, and that makes him shut right up for one reason or another.

Is she hallucinating, or does she see a hint of one on his lips? Small, but there. 

He addresses her directly, which is a nice change of pace, and asks, "You want hot tea instead of cold?" 

It amazes her, when she knows it really shouldn't, how much he pays attention. He made tea for her, what, four or five hours ago? And he remembers she left it on the kitchen table when they headed full steam for Tommy and Maria's, forgotten. 

"How about I make us both some?" She offers. 

"By all means."

Ellie feels lighter when she makes her way to the kitchen, and the impossible task of earning back the trust she lost doesn't seem so impossible anymore. She crosses the hallway and stops in her tracks, because Tommy is right there, just getting through the door. "Joel," He calls, since Ellie's already in front of him. Joel appears into view, Tommy's tone putting caution on his face.

"They're here." 

The three of them do not hesitate to leave the house, striding down the dirt road. Ellie struggles to keep up with the two of them as Tommy fills them in. 

"There's fifteen of 'em. Two children, no way to tell how many injured."

"Where the fuck are they, Tommy?" Joel asks. 

"They're walking towards the gate, front entrance." Tommy brings a radio up to his cheek. "Any weapons, guns?" 

"Negative," Earl voices on the other end. "None that I can see, anyway." 

"Keep your guns trained, we don't know what the fuck kind of people these guys are." 

"You got it, T-dog." 

A voice comes through the town speakers, asking residents to get inside. A few people emerge from their houses to ask what the fuck is going on, and Tommy calms them down for the most part. 

They approach the gate, where Maria and a few other trusted residents stand waiting. Above them in the watchtower, they all hear Earl shout, "Don't come any closer. If you have any weapons, put them on the ground." No one on their side of the wall says anything. 

"Alright," Tommy's voice becomes authoritative. "Maria, Joel, Dennis, Larkin. Us, we're goin' out there to see what the fuck's goin' on. The rest of you, stay here, or get up there and help Earl." 

"Wait--" Ellie steps forward. "I'm coming, too." 

"No, she's not." Joel says plainly, like he's talking about the weather. "Tell Earl the plan and let's go." 

Ellie grabs his arm. "I'm _going_." 

Joel looks at her, and his eyes are too dark. He seems wiry, cautious, the way he was four years ago. The way he was when Ellie first met him. "Stay behind me." He says. She sees no room for negotiation on that one. 

Tommy and Maria work jointly to open the gate, and beyond the crack in the doors Ellie sees glimpses of legs and shoulders. Tommy crosses through to the outside, then Maria, then the others. She's the last one to step beyond Jackson's wall. 


	13. Chapter 13

"There. See that?" 

Joel steps back from his handy work, gesturing at the primitive trap laid on the ground. On the forest floor is a large cement block held upright by a carefully placed stick, a small pile of cowberries underneath. 

"And the rabbit will just...go to it?" She asks doubtfully. 

"Small animals won't see a block of cement. They'll see dinner." 

Joel leads the way back to their temporary camp, sunlight gleaming through the leaves and making patterns on the back of his green shirt. Ellie makes a joke about the wings on his back, and he ignores her. They tread the dirt in silence.

This is their routine. Joel sets a trap or leads them to an abandoned store/home/warehouse for looting, and they settle down early because there will always, always be a long day ahead. 

"So let's say you have a huge, fucking ten foot tall block of cement. Would you...be able to catch a bear?" She poses the question a few hours later when they're sitting around a small fire, eating cans of peaches. Evening is slowly coming to life, owls and rustling leaves carrying themselves on the wind.

"I think a bear would know it's a trap," Joel says. He uses his hands to dig the peach slices out. Ellie guiltily looks down at the fork in her hand. 

"Why would the bear know and not the rabbit?" 

"The stakes are bigger for the bear. Everything is bigger for the bear."

"What does that mean?" Everything this man says is either too blunt or extremely cryptic; Ellie has a hard time keeping up. 

Joel wipes his chin. He says it as an afterthought, and it's obvious he'll forget about this conversation later, but the line sticks with Ellie for a while. "The bear is a hunter. And rabbits are the hunted." 

 

The first face she sees in a line of many is marred with shallow cuts. It belongs to a younger woman, her hair thin with grease and her eyes hollow. Two children cling to her legs. Ellie walks with Joel, who has his sights trained on the group and the group alone. The next tree could set on fire and his eyes wouldn't deviate. 

"Hello there," Tommy says lowly, extending a palm like he's talking to a kid instead of thirteen frightened, cautious adults. The six of them stop a safe distance away. "How can I help you?" 

Ellie keeps looking at the children.

One of the adults cautiously steps forward. He's an older Asian man, his skin weathered from sun and age, and even before he opens his mouth Ellie knows he's Bones. 

"Hello. We're here out of desperation." She recognizes that low, solemn voice immediately. "Our group was attacked, and we've been wandering these woods for three weeks." 

"That's never a good thing." 

"No," Bones agrees. "We've had little food and shelter, and we've come to ask you for a place to stay and recuperate for a few days. We're also in desperate need of medical supplies."

"I'd like nothing more than to help you." Tommy's voice is genuine. "But I'm going to have to talk to my friend Earl up there. You see, he's got his guns trained on you. And there's a lot of people besides him who I'd have to talk to. Maybe we should start by--" 

A tall, willowy man emerges from the back of the crowd and steps towards them, his face contorted in rage. His skin is dirtied like all the rest. Everyone in Ellie's group reacts, Tommy bracing in front of Maria, Joel reaching for his belt. 

"Tommy--" Joel warns. 

"Are you listening to him?" The stranger demands, gesturing at Bones. "Look at us, man! We've got elder people and kids who are tired and sick out of their minds. One of us has a fucking broken arm!  _We need shelter--_ " 

The woman he stepped in front of clasps his hand and yanks him back forcibly, despite being a head shorter. She cranes her short neck to look at him, and Ellie sees her eyes are pleading. He doesn't seem deterred, though, until--

"Danny!" Bones' voice cuts the harsh autumn wind. " _Enough_." 

Tommy quickly brings the radio up to his mouth. "Earl, it's alright. No harm done, we're fine." The sudden escalated tension causes Ellie to slide out from behind Joel and instead move next to him, which he shifts at but otherwise doesn't say anything. The guy who just spoke out, Danny, slinks back to his spot in the crowd, his passion replaced by embarrassment. If he had a tail, Ellie thinks, it would be between his legs. 

"We're sorry about that," Bones says quietly. "That's Daniel, and he's my son. He doesn't mean any harm." 

"It's alright. Everyone's a little tense out here." Tommy doesn't seem angry, a little ruffled maybe. His eyes unmistakably drift to the two children hiding behind their mother, and Ellie sees the tenderness start in his face, thaw out his body language. Everyone in this group looks worse for wear, but it's the children who cement some sort of decision for him.

"We should continue this conversation inside the wall." Tommy offers. "Your folks need food. And rest, from the looks of it."  Joel is pissed. Ellie spares him one look, surprised he hasn't interjected at all, before returning her gaze to the tattered folks in front of them. Bones, who's been busy staring down his son, turns to face them again. "We would appreciate that. Thank you." 

Tommy alerts Earl, and soon after the gates open. He leads his band of folks in first before gesturing for the others to follow, and Ellie and Joel stand off to the side of the road to watch them pass. 

"We're tailin' em," Joel murmurs to her, and then he joins the end of the procession with Larkin. Ellie follows them. She doesn't feel nervous, but she's doesn't feel at ease, either. 

"I don't think they're dangerous," Ellie thinks aloud. "I think two groups being thrown together like this is dangerous, but I don't think they are." 

"Just keep your eyes open." 

"Where do you think he's taking them?" Larkin, the black-haired twenty year old asks. "It's too cold to be outside." 

"I'd imagine the town hall." 

By town hall, he means the building which houses both the inventory and a wide open space for town meetings indoors. In the summers it's used as a day care, and as such there are kid paintings hung all over the walls.

The survivors enter the building like a group of wild animals, their shoulders hunched and heads surveying the room. Ellie studies them cautiously, more out of curiosity than anything. Tommy must have told some people to grab blankets, because a few residents are already spreading them on the floor when they enter, others kindling a fire in the fireplace. 

The woman who has two children clinging to her hips goes to the blankets first, sitting them down before pulling one around each of their small shoulders and leaning in to whisper something. She kisses their cheeks and goes to stand with the adults. The children shift, but otherwise don't protest. 

Five of the elderly join them, younger members helping them onto the floor. Ellie finds herself flooded with genuine sympathy for them. 

"Alright," Tommy begins. "Let's discuss this." 

And they do. 

 

The somber atmosphere plaguing the building gradually eases into something more relaxed, and the adults sit together at one of the long dining tables. The little kids who kept stock-still on their makeshift beds soon start to get restless, running back and forth between their mom and the blankets. Empty soup bowls liter the floor and table top. Some of the elderly have fallen asleep, others sitting back and watching with tired eyes. Joel and Ellie lean against the window together. 

Bones, his rough voice soothed by hot soup and water, gives them the full story on who attacked their group and why. Ellie listens, propped up against Joel's shoulder. 

"We've been living in a secluded camp for well over a year now. We had over fifty people. Capable people, who could lead supply runs and bring back food and medicine. Three weeks ago, we were ambushed by some twenty-odd people--a man and his group. They'd been watching us for a while. And they attacked when our strongest were out hunting. We're the last of them." 

Ellie can tell Bones is a smart man, an intellectual. That even at ten years old, he was wise for his age. 

"I don't know the man's name. We barely managed to escape. I don't know if he's still at our camp, but regardless we won't go back." 

"We found scuff marks on our fence a week ago." Maria interrupts. "Was it you?"

"I'll be honest. We've been watching Jackson since we came into this area." Bones' eyes don't leave Tommy's. "I only wanted to make sure this was a safe place to bring children, families. From what I can see, it is." 

"There's no safer place," says Tommy. 

"The burned, scorched bodies. Was _that_ you?" Dennis, who's not exactly known for his tact, bluntly inserts himself into the conversation. 

"We have nothing to do with any burned bodies. It might...it might have been the man. There's no way to know." 

There's no way to know if  _they're_ being truthful, either. Still, Ellie looks to Joel for reaffirmation that at least it's progress. His eyes don't leave the new people.

Tommy and Bones simultaneously turn their heads to observe the two kids, who are now leaning against each other, sound asleep. The girl's black hair cascades around her face, her cheek rucked up where it rests on her brother's shoulder. 

"Are they yours?" Tommy asks. 

Bones smiles. "My daughter June's." 

"It's nice to meet you," June, the young woman who sits to Bones' left, extends her hand. "Their names are Jack and Lily." 

"Lily's a beautiful name." Maria murmurs. 

June smiles. "Thank you." 

Ellie is relieved to see them all on even ground. Everyone  _wants_ to get along. Her eyes roam to find Daniel, the enthusiastic son from earlier, leaning against a wall away from the others. That could be a problem. 

"For now," Tommy abates, "I don't see why you folks can't rest for the night. We'll bring food. Get you to working showers." 

"Thank you. We are all grateful." Bones utters. 

"No need. We'll figure things out in the morning." 

"I look forward to it." 

And that's that.

There's one empty house that holds a working shower, which is where the group is lead. Ellie and Joel don't stick around. They walk back to their house, and it's only when they pass through the door that Ellie realizes Joel hasn't said a word. 

"Is something bothering you?" She asks him in the kitchen. 

Joel's busy with the few dishes he's just randomly decided to do. He acts like he doesn't hear her.  _  
_

"Hey." Ellie walks up to him. "What's the matter?" 

"What makes you think something's the matter? I'm fine." Ellie looks at him, and she comes to the conclusion that he _does_ look fine. But that's it. It's what gives her the clue that he isn't; beneath the calm facade is something darker. 

"I don't know how I feel about them. But they need our help right now. Isn't that the right thing to do? Help them?" 

"It's the good thing to do." Joel agrees. But once again, that's all he does. Agree. Ellie leans against the counter, holding her palm in her other hand. "You don't trust them at all." 

"No." 

"You'll have to get over that, if they end up staying." 

He sighs and gestures at the clock on the wall, crossing his arms. "It's late." 

She raises an eyebrow. "You sending me to bed?" 

Joel scoffs. "Do I look like I want a target on my back?" 

"You look...kind of angry."

"I'm angry, sometimes." 

In the silence that follows, Ellie and Joel simply study each other. Nothing is calculated, or planned. Her eyes fall on his and his on hers, and it's not for an awkward length of time. It might be just a breather from talking, a chance for one to finally look at the other while someone else isn't there or without an ominous threat hanging above their heads. The moment ends pretty quick. 

"Alright, well. I'm going upstairs. Goodnight." 

"Goodnight." 

 

She wakes up an hour later in a sweat, caught up on the tail end of her dream: minutes or maybe even seconds of something chasing her. She sits up in bed, frustrated and tired, cradling her head in her hands. 

Something's different, and it's not the dream tugging at her. 

Without a second thought, she leaves the warmth of the bed and slips out of her room into the hall. Joel's door is slightly ajar. She pushes it open and glances at his bed, and sees he isn't there. Somehow she knew he wouldn't be. 

Minutes later she shows up at Tommy's house, the dim light cast from the streetlights her only guide. Her plan is to quietly take the front porch just so she can look in the front windows; and if he's not there, then she's got a bigger problem, because where else would he be besides their house or his brother's?  _Quiet_ , she commands herself.  _Don't fuck up, don't fuck up--_

"I understand what you're saying, Joel. I do. The decision hasn't even been made yet." From the window Ellie can see Joel and Tommy standing in the living room. Maria is no where to be found, probably sleeping upstairs.

Joel huffs mockingly. "You must think I'm stupid. I saw the way you were lookin' at them--with pity. And that's dangerous." 

"It wasn't pity. It was sympathy. I look at those folks and I see how we were fifteen, twenty years ago. I see how close we were to not makin' it out." 

Joel angrily points outside, his voice rising. "We can't trust them!" 

"And what's the other option?" Tommy's face betrays his own anger as well. "You tell me. Send 'em out? Execute 'em?" 

"It's better, _safer for us_ , to do it now, before they do it to us." Joel paces the room, his boots making heavy thuds on the oak floor. "We got the numbers, but they got the advantage. What if the other half of their group is out there, Tommy? What if they ambush us? Trojan horse." 

"I'm going to tell you something, and you scoff all you want. I don't think that's going to happen."

"While you're busy not thinking it will, they'll be busy thinking about somethin' else." 

"Joel..." The pace of the conversation changes when Tommy sits down, sighing as he sinks into the chair. "I think you're speakin' too subjectively, here. You're letting your attachment to her get in the way of--" 

"What about you? You got a wife to think about."

"You think Maria wants to turn these folks away? They got children with them, for God's sake."

Joel sighs and approaches the chair across from Tommy cautiously, sitting down with a tired sort of defeat. Ellie cranes her neck to get a better view. "I don't know how to get this through your head. This--keeping them here--ain't worth the risk." 

"Well, tell you what. We wait and see what happens tomorrow." 

Joel runs a hand through his hair. Ellie very nearly launches herself away from the window when his eyes drift towards where she crouches on the porch. 

"Goodnight." She hears Joel say. What Tommy replies she doesn't get to hear because as soon as Joel's footsteps sound across the floor she crawls swiftly to the side of the railing, propelling herself over it. The door opens just as she clears the jump and begins to sprint down the road, back to their home.  

Ellie lies down in bed, her chest heaving and her heartbeat pulsing in her ears. Minutes later she hears Joel open the door downstairs. His boots make the old floorboards creek on his way up the stairs, and when he takes her by surprise and slowly opens her bedroom door, she quickly turns on her side so he can't see or hear her heavy breaths. 

There's only silence that follows, until--

"I won't let anything happen to you." A quiet promise.

She closes her eyes just as he closes the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arhmm I'm sorry this took so long. The end of the quarter and SATs were all in the same week and I didn't have the energy to write any of this for a decent amount of time. Well, today I did. Next chapter will be longer and I'll try to make it happen sooner. Thank you for all the support!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, please don't kill me. At least it's a longer one!

There are thirteen strangers in a house on the adjacent street, and according to Joel, that's a problem.

When they eat breakfast together the following morning, the silence peppered with small talk isn't tense. He seems to have a lot on his mind, way too distracted to chat decently, and she's thinking about a lot of things, too. Things she knows she could talk to him about and he would set aside his thoughts and listen because that's what he does, things that would probably put some shit between them to rest, but now isn't a great time. 

"So what's the plan?" She swallows her cereal and breaks the silence. 

"Plan?" Joel raises his eyebrows. 

"What's going to happen today." 

He leans back in his chair, grunting. "We'll see. Have to have another meeting. Private one."

"But we won't kick them out. Not yet." Ellie looks him straight in the eyes. Maybe, if she lets him know  _explicitly_ that she thinks they deserve a chance, he'll give them one. It won't be enough if everyone else agrees and he doesn't. When Joel doesn't agree with something, nothing good comes out of it. 

"Like I said," He meets her eyes. "We'll see."

"Joel..." She leans forward. "Not fourteen anymore."

"This ain't about that."

"No, what I'm saying is, one adult to another--I think that you should at least tryto trust them." 

"And as one adult to another, I'm saying  _no_." 

"What about a bunch of sick people and kids screams _this is a_ _trick_ to you?"

What will it take to get him to trust her judgement, believe that her thoughts are valid (or dare she say mature)? Or maybe this isn't about that, and she's taking all this too personally, which is something she's admittedly done too many times throughout her life. Maybe this is one of those things she should lay to rest, and let the dice just roll. 

Who is she kidding.

"I know you're smarter about this stuff than me," Ellie murmurs. "You've been around... _doing_ shit for a lot longer, and I haven't. But I think the bravest, most important thing to do here is trust them. Because we'd be gambling on something that matters. They have kids, elderly, they look like they've seen fucking Satan, and if we don't want to end up like the guy who burned the bodies we have to start putting ourselves on the line for people. Because the risk is worth it." 

She doesn't want to see him fluster for a response, instead clearing the table of her bowl and washing it in the sink. As she's drying her hands, Joel says, "I've never heard you talk that way before." 

"I mean, what else are we gonna do? Build this safe haven and never let anyone in? Kill every stranger who wants to live here?" 

"There's gotta be rules." 

"All these rules are starting to seem a little inhumane." 

Joel's eyelids lower, and he studies her anew through a somewhat discerning, but also uncritical lens. "Alright, sit down and let's talk about it." Ellie doesn't have to turn around to know that the expression in his eyes is something like, _you want it you got it._ She sighs and throws the towel lightly on the counter, approaching the table the way a character in a horror novel would a closed door. What's on the other side  _just_ might kill her. 

"You talk about riskin' our necks for people." Joel says as she sits down. "How we don't do it enough. What do you think supply runs are? Hunting trips? We risk our lives every day for Jackson." 

"I know we do." 

"That ain't the first of it. Say we let these people in. Say they got 'friends' who're stayin' nearby, they team up and overthrow us. What then? Is it worth it?"

"We--"

"We have kids here, too. You know what it's like, you've known since you were little. Strangers don't exercise restraint because you're children. They'll kill you if they get the chance. And we'd be giving them one."

Ellie crosses her arms and ignores that allusion. "Can I fucking talk or is this the Joel show?" 

Joel's face starts for a split second, and then, through an unexplained anomaly, he breathes a laugh. And the rhetoric she'd been so ready to throw his way limps over like a dying tree. It's anything but the weighted laugh of his bad moods, the dark humor he has sometimes. More like weight _less_ , light and merely because he found what she said funny. Words get stuck in her throat and she has a little trouble getting them unstuck to ask, " _That's_ it?  _That's_ the zinger?" 

He shakes his head, his hand gripping the table tighter, just as surprised with himself as she. 

"I say a million fucking jokes over the years," she continues steadily, "And that's the one that gets you." She's completely taken off guard. 

"I guess life ain't fair." Joel's mouth doesn't smile, but his eyes do. "Surprised no one told you that." 

It's really not such a strong shift in atmosphere, but she didn't expect it to be _this_ light this morning. Had things gone the way she thought they would, her and Joel would have had an intense conversation or two, awkward silence, then made up on the way to Tommy's. She's glad it took at least a slight turn for the better. 

"When do you want to have that meeting? I've got some things I want to say." 

Joel rolls his eyes. "'Course you do. Let's go." 

They make the short trek to the house in silence, listening to the faint calls of birds and rustling leaves, the trudging sounds of their feet on the dirt road almost identical. The sun is partially hidden by clouds, more of which are coming in from the east. They make it to the house in no time, both so thoughtful that their brains fill the time for them.

Tommy, Maria, and Earl, who's got a rifle slung over his shoulder and a cigarette in his mouth, stand and talk quietly in the open space of the living room. Despite the lowering of his voice, Earl can't lose his bravado and tenor. He turns when Joel and Ellie walk through the door. 

"Well, look who it is. What're you doing up, kid? Never seen you walking around before noon." 

"Haha," Ellie says in her driest voice. "Don't you have wall duties to take care of, funny guy?" 

"In a minute. Just wanted to talk to my brother-in-arms over here." He smacks a hand on Tommy's shoulder, who smiles good-naturedly and brushes it off. "Yeah, well, you've said your peace, Earl. Better head back."

"Of course. Have a good one." He turns and heads out the door, but not before facing Ellie. "When you have a minute, I got five new magazines you need to have a look at. Really cool stuff." 

"Soon," Ellie promises. 

Joel observes the whole interaction with something like disdain curling his lips downward, his eyes following Earl outside. Tommy notices before Ellie does, his grey eyes flicking to Ellie's. Taking a mental stand not to break the silence first, he leaves that task to his brother.

Joel takes the opportunity eagerly. "So everything's back to normal, huh? Fifteen strangers down the street, but I guess it's just another day of bridge." 

"Now hold on," Tommy says. "Earl was just comin' down to talk about that." 

"I bet." Joel snaps. "Tellin' you what fine, wholesome people he thinks they are, no doubt." 

"In fact, that's what he was pitching." Maria says, uncrossing her arms. "It does us good to listen to all points of view." She crosses to the couch and sits on it, releasing an exhausted breath. Joel's eyes soften the tiniest bit, Ellie sees it. "I'm sure you know this Joel, but you're not the only one who's concerned. We've had fifty people stopping by and giving their two cents before nine. And 'giving their two cents' is putting it mildly." 

"It's split pretty even," Tommy offers. "There are plenty more who don't even know what they want, what's best. It's a goddamn rodeo show." 

"Well, what's your vote?" Ellie asks before Joel can in a way much less friendly. 

"That's the question, ain't it." Tommy's voice is bleak. "Don't matter what I think. What we'll do is put it to a vote, and whichever side wins will be what's done. That's how a democracy works." 

 _Democracy_. A term she hadn't even learned in Boston, much less cared about. Now, something like hope rings in her ears as soon as Tommy speaks the word, and she can tell Maria's proud of him, her eyes glinting as she looks at her husband. Tommy, like any good leader, is the living reminder.  _This is a democracy. There is free will, choice here. You are not helpless_. 

And it's taken a while, but Ellie finally seems to get it. 

Even Joel doesn't argue. Maybe he was reminded a little bit too, of what could be, of the raw potential Jackson is creeping towards. At least Ellie likes to think he was.

"Alright. We'll put it to a vote." 

 

Joel splits off from their house and says he has a few things to care of, so Ellie's left to her own devices. After hours of reading and picking at his guitar, she debates between Rose's house and the barn, finally deciding it would be better to see her best friend. A little while later, the two of them are sitting at the kitchen table eating.

"You don't even know," Rose says around a mouthful of toast, "How bad Emilia wanted this jam. My dad had to trade someone one of our really nice pillows for a jar. Must be the cravings." 

Rose's sister Emilia is pregnant. She's three months along, a small bump just beginning to form on her stomach. The family only found out yesterday. Ellie felt her belly a little earlier, and the look on her face was enough to make all of them laugh. 

It's a sad deal. Rose won't tell her all of it, but Ellie surmises that Emilia had sex with someone she didn't really know and now no one knows what exactly to do. 

"Is she keeping it?" Ellie asked, when her and Rose were alone in her room. 

Rose fiddled with her thin bedspread. "I think so. Carter is a great doctor, but he says trying to...get rid of it is risky. A lot of responsibility on both of them, you know."

"It'll work out. Whatever she chooses to do."

"That's the thing." Rose sat up cross legged and looked out the window. "After those people showed up yesterday and we got home from that meeting, Emilia just started bawling. Sat right on the floor and put her head in her hands. My dad and I didn't know what the fuck was going on." Her hands tighten. "That's when she told us. She said seeing those kids, looking like they were half dead, was too much. She's so fucking scared." 

Ellie lowered her eyes, toying with her fingers.

"I was six when we got to Jackson. Emilia was fourteen. She remembers what all of it's like outside, I don't. She's pretty fucking terrified about raising a kid."

She could only imagine.

"Do you ever think about having them? Kids, I mean?" 

Ellie let the question roll off her shoulders, ignoring the way it made her heart heavy. "I don't think I wanna bring anyone _else_ into this world." 

Rose nodded. "Same. My sister feels, or at least felt, the same way." 

Truth be told, Ellie wouldn't mind having children one day, but it's not about what she wants. When it comes down to it the infection is still inside her, just lying dormant. What if she passed it onto her kid, and he or she turned? She wouldn't be able to live with that.

Of course, none of this she could tell Rose, so she just nodded agreeably and hugged her knees. 

"Well, looks like I may become an aunt. That's exciting." Rose smiled, but her eyes betrayed her worry, her hands going around her arms. Ellie saw it, and quickly tried to fix it. Worry wasn't a good look on Rose.

"Hey." She punched her lightly on the arm. "This is a town full of survivors. If your sister decides to have the baby, if she doesn't...nothing's gonna happen."

"I'll hold you to that."

At present, they snack on the toast with the coveted blackberry jam. Emilia is walking around, straightening the house, humming. Their dad just left for his shift at the power plant.   

"D'you guys hear about the vote tomorrow?" Ellie asks. 

"Oh yeah. Whole town's talking about it." Emilia throws a shirt into the hamper. "Apparently, it's split so far."

"Yeah," Ellie nods. "That's what I heard."

"I don't even know what I want." Rose shakes her head. "Either way seems wrong." 

"Well, you'll have to know by tomorrow." Emilia says. 

"No shit." 

"I walked past the house where they're staying at, and Tommy's got guards posted at the doors." 

"Probably to make sure they don't try anything?" Rose shrugs. 

"Or to make sure we don't." 

Ellie leaves little over an hour later, wiping forgotten crumbs off her sweatshirt. Not a lot of people are outside today. Whether it's because of the dark grey clouds looming overhead or the strange presence of the newcomers, it's hard to tell. Around halfway to the house, Ellie gets the idea to take the longer route. She ends up passing the home where Tommy put them all, and sure enough, two men (Bill and Ted, both in their late twenties) stand outside the front door. She doesn't know them very well so she keeps walking.

Until the front door opens.

A middle aged woman emerges slowly onto the porch, her thin shoulders hidden under a new sweater no doubt borrowed from the town. Ellie vaguely remembers her from yesterday. "Hello," she greets the two of them warily. "Would I be able to walk to your pantry? The kids have poison ivy. They need more ointment." 

"What the hell makes you think we'd even let you take a step off this porch?" The shorter one, Ted, sneers. "Get back inside." 

"I just--"

Ted moves as if to grab at her, and the woman stumbles back. He laughs meanly, his cold eyes growing colder, his breath fogging. "Back inside, sweetheart." 

"Hey," Ellie snaps without a second thought. Three pairs of eyes seek hers as she marches over. "She needs medicine, Ted. I can take her there." 

Ted laughs, Bill doesn't. "Oh really? Doubt Joel would approve of you walking this shaggy dog." 

Ellie resists the urge to hit him. Even Bill looks at him sideways, as if he's lost his mind. She puts her hands in her pockets to steady them. "And I doubt Tommy would approve of you harassing the guests. Get the fuck out of her way." 

Shocked silence gives way to anger. "You listen here, little girl," Ted says. "I've got half a mind to--"

"To what?" Ellie taunts. "Hit me? Go ahead and try it."  _See what I'll do._

_See what Joel will do._

"Ted, I'm sure it's cool." Bill pats his friend's shoulder. "Tommy never said none of them could leave the house." 

"Tommy's not here." Ted scowls, but steps aside. "Fine. Go on." 

Muttering "asshole," under her breath, Ellie waits for the woman to descend the stairs and leads her away. She doesn't look back.

"Thank you." The voice is soft, betraying the age of the person who owns it. Ellie shakes her head before she finishes speaking.

"Don't worry about it. I'm happy to help out." It gets a little awkward, neither really knowing what to say. "What's your name?" 

"Quinn. Yours?"

"Ellie." 

"You're a good person, Ellie. The world needs more like you." 

She was right about the second thing, at least. "Thanks." 

Ellie tries to think of good conversation starters, her curiosity getting the better of her.  _How you liking Jackson so far_ isn't exactly a tactful option. Neither is  _where are you from_ , since it's pretty fucking clear they're not going back anytime soon. Thankfully Quinn makes it easy.

"How long have you lived here, Ellie?" 

Ellie blows air through her lips. "A little over four years, I guess. I got here when I was fifteen." 

"You're nineteen. So incredibly young." 

"Not as young as the kids in your group," She offers.

"You're right about that." 

Ellie leads Quinn inside and through the pantry's aisles, right to the wall where the medicine is kept. She swipes a small container of aloe off the shelf and writes down the amount taken on the clipboard, under her name.

She hands it to Quinn. "Is aloe all you need? Is there anything else I can get you?" 

"No, no. This is perfect. Thank you. Your doctor's given us plenty already." 

They're halfway out the door when Ellie gets an idea, stopping in her tracks.

"Oh, wait! I've got something in mind." She turns and quickly walks down another aisle, scanning the contents with a critical eye. She spots the box of cookies and reaches to grab it, shaking it to make sure plenty's in there. 

Quinn's eyebrows raise when Ellie hands her the box. "For the kids. For everyone." 

"That's...they'll love that. Thank you." 

"Do you know your way back?" 

"Yes. And I'd like you to know that whichever way you vote tomorrow, we're grateful for the generosity." 

Ellie has no idea what to say to that, if saying anything is appropriate at all. She nods a goodbye and starts walking back to the house, watching the woman disappear past a row of houses. She kicks a stone at her feet and makes the rest of the journey with her head down, head filled with pensive thoughts. The rain only just starts to fall when she reaches the porch. 

"Made lunch. You hungry?" Joel stands in the kitchen and she passes through, shaking her hair. 

"Yeah, sure." She hoists herself on the counter, just like she did when she was a kid. "Y'know, I should get you a checkered apron. It'd look great on you."

He snorts. "I'm sure it would, but I'll have to pass on that one." 

"What about one with lots of footballs on it?" 

He shrugs  _sure_. At her impressed look he adds, "Maybe." 

Lunch is grilled cheese with sliced tomatoes and butter. Ellie eats her decent-sized sandwich in maybe two and a half bites, staring at the same spot on the table. 

"You good?" Joel asks, his sandwich half finished. 

She wipes her mouth, frowning. "Yeah. Why?" 

"You look like you're having a healthy debate in your head." 

"Oh.  _W_ _ell_ , I met one of those people today." 

"When?" 

"Just a while ago. This woman wanted some ointment for those kids, but Ted wouldn't even let her leave the fucking house." 

"Asshole Ted?"

"Asshole Ted. I more or less told him to fuck off, took her to the pantry myself." 

Joel smirks at his plate despite himself. "You're lucky everybody here loves you, girl." 

" _Loves_ me?  _No_ way," Her voice gets high. "What makes you say that? Half of them don't even know me." _Or us, for that matter. We kind of keep to ourselves._ They stick together.

Joel shrugs. "You're easy enough to like." 

Ellie smiles. "People would like you more if you didn't scare the shit out of them." 

He grunts in concession. 

"...Esther sure seems to like you." She's careful to keep the smile in place, hardening it just right so it falls on the teasing side. Inside though, things are different. Inside there's a sour taste in her mouth and it's hard not to let it show. She's not really sure why she brought it up.

Joel stops chewing and looks at her. " _Esther_ is an adult female who I get along fine with. She's easy company."

 _Oh, I bet she is._ The very idea makes her want to scoff and pull away from the table, but she doesn't because she's a grown young woman. She does, however, roll her eyes (because come on), settling for a classic, "Lord give me strength."

"Where exactly have you heard that line?" 

"Earl says it all the time. Speaking of Earl, what's your vote tomorrow?" 

Joel looks faintly concerned by these quick changes in topic. He rubs his beard, studying her as his fingers drum the table. He gestures to her plate. "You done with that?" He doesn't wait for her to speak before swiping it off the table and rinsing both their dishes in the sink. 

"Joel," Ellie calls. "Do you think I'll be mad or something?" 

He turns, looking uncomfortable as he approaches the table. "There's a possibility they won't get to stay." 

"I know." 

"You should be prepared for any--" 

"Hey, I got it, alright? Just hear me out." She gestures to the chair, and he shoots her a look before sitting down. "The woman I met was incredibly nice."

"I don't doubt it."

" _And_..." She doesn't even know what she's trying to prove. Pleading her case one last time, maybe.

Joel raises his eyebrow. "And what?" 

"And...I forgot what I was going to say. Shit."

"It's alright, I have a pretty good idea of what it was." 

She leans back in her chair. "Oh, do you?" 

"You want me to see them as real people."

"Yeah, that's about right."

"I do see them as real people. Which is why my vote's gonna be no." 

Her face falls a little. "No compassion for your fellow man, huh?" 

He shrugs, but his eyes contradict her statement: compassion fills them, softening the hardened pupils, but it's not directed toward anyone or anything but her. Just like always. "You get to be my age..."

She exhales loudly. "I get that sometimes, I do. But..."

"Maybe you don't see it all the way now," Joel murmurs. "But you will."

She hopes not. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't fret, my dudes. Life's gotten pretty hectic but I really want to finish this story (my guess is it'll be completely done around beginning of summer). I've got a pretty solid idea on how it ends, it's just a matter of, y'know, writing it. See you soon!


	15. Chapter 15

"We've congregated here today to discuss somethin' important for the community, for us. You don't remain respectful or in check," Tommy glances somewhere to the right as he slowly paces the front of the room; Ellie presumes it's at Ted. "You'll be asked to leave. I think that sounds plenty fair." 

The whole town sits in the town hall, most in chairs, some on the floor, others leaning against the wall. A little over one-thirty in all. Ellie shifts next to Joel, careful not to bump shoulders with the woman on her left. Tommy stands like a preacher at the front, and she's never heard a preacher talk before but she imagines Tommy's voice would do it justice: strong, low, sincere. 

She leans in toward Joel. He leans in too, so that their hair is brushing. "I have no idea how the fuck this is gonna play out." She whispers.

Joel keeps his eyes up ahead. "You and everybody else in here."

Bones and his group are sitting among the crowd but all clumped together. A drop of oil in water.

"You said if they do get voted out, we'd give them a few days to prepare. That still true?" There's always a possibility he said it to spare her feelings. Make her feel less guilty than she already does for those people and their kids. Especially the kids.

Neither of them look away as Tommy speaks, but Joel's agitation rises at her distrust, Ellie can feel it. "We wouldn't boot their asses out within the minute. Tommy'll give them all the time they need." 

"He better." 

The back of his hand lightly cuffs her thigh, meant as a joke. _Don't_ _do anything drastic_. 

He doesn't have to worry about that, really. What he does have to worry about is her shitty attitude if the meeting goes south. It seems that everyone has their own individual idea of "south" though, in this case. It makes her nervous. 

"Here's how it's gonna work," Tommy points at people on the wall behind him, each of them gathering materials from the table. "They'll be walkin' around the room with pens and paper. You break off a piece, write down 'yes they stay' or 'no,' and put it in a hat. Clear?" 

"Crystal," someone young shouts near the back. The people around him shush him quietly. 

"This ain't a joke, and if you think it is, best get your ass out of the building." Tommy's not amused. "You don't recognize what's at stake here, don't cast your vote either." He turns to those behind him. "Go ahead and get started." 

Rick's one of the people with a basket. He smiles at Ellie and greets Joel when he comes around, and they put their votes in with the others, their little papers swallowed in a sea of yes's and no's. It's silent and more than a little tense as ballads are put in the hats. Families don't even converse among each other. 

Ellie tries not to think how much it bothers her that Joel's voted no.

As it's getting tallied, Ellie looks at Bones. He's sitting next to his daughter, June. She can barely see one of the kids, the boy, just a tuft of black hair poking out behind his mom's shoulder. The rest of him is swallowed by a wall of adults. She stares at the hair, branching out from June's shoulder like the fronds of a plant, and wishes all of this was easier.

Joel's finger brushes hers and she turns her head to see what's up. With a jolt she realizes everyone's resumed talking quietly, still watching, still waiting. He looks at her in a softened way.

"What? Something on my face?"

"You been staring at them for a while." 

It felt like just a second had gone by. "They have no where to go after this." 

"Maybe it won't come to that." 

"You want it to, though. Right?"

He gives her an unappreciative glance. "No. Not exactly."  

"Quiet," Tommy calls. No one has to be told twice. "We're done, quiet."

That bit of relief hidden in his voice, that sagging release in his shoulders, is what gives it away. Ellie knows things are gonna be alright. 

"'Yes' won out by a total of fifty-three votes."

Some clap, some stay silent. Chairs scrape the floor as others stand and leave in anger. Ellie can't look at anyone but the kid, who tilts his head up at his mom with hopeful eyes and the youngest smile she's ever seen, like he's saying  _see, Mom, see_. She pinches the skin of her hand to get rid of the tears in her eyes.

Bones rises from his seat and paves a path to the front of the room. Those in his way part before him like the Red Sea. 

"We want to say thank you." He looks tired. "Really. Thank you. We'll work hard and do our part for Jackson, and maybe someday this debt will be repaid. Two of us know medicine, which your doctor here can attest to. My son and daughter are good hunters. We can make this work, I promise you." He bows his head. Ridiculously, she imagines bowing back in respect. Tommy approaches Bones and the two nod at each other, Tommy smiling, even. 

"Are you disappointed?" She asks Joel without looking at him. 

"Surprised," He says. And he looks it. "But I voted yes."

"What?" It comes out a little too loud but what the fuck, who cares. 

Joel shrugs one shoulder. "Change of heart."

She looks at him sideways and he looks at her sideways, and the corner of his mouth ticks up. Then they both look up ahead like it never happened.  _This conversation is far from over_ , Ellie thinks.

Tommy and Maria and a few others welcome the group, and it all happens very fast, and then the meeting is adjourned. 

Tomorrow, Ellie'll ask Maria what arrangements are going to be made. Will they stay in that same house, will another be built. She decides not to do it today, though. Today, she'll relax and maybe nap and write and close her fucking eyes.

 _I'm inclined to be laid back_. One of those stupid jokes she said to Riley years ago. 

"They're staying," She says in awe, redundantly. She looks at Joel. "That's good. I'm proud of us." 

Joel allows himself to smile. 

 

That night, the two of them sit and eat pork and beans with cornbread. 

"I wish we had cows," Ellie says. 

"Why?"

"So we could have milk. I also fucking love cows. How stupid they are."

"They are pretty stupid," Joel agrees. 

"You know what I also wish? I wish we had ostriches."

He laughs. "Ostriches? What in the hell for?" 

She tells him about that picture of an ostrich that the principle of her old, old school had on his wall. She'd get in trouble for something and they'd take her there to talk and she'd have a hard time not laughing at that fucking picture. When she did, when she'd even crack a smile, it didn't end well for her. Privileges revoked. Girl's  _and_ boy's bathroom duties. Bullshit like that. 

They end up in the living room, him picking at his guitar, showing her songs she knows and songs she doesn't. He sings "House of the Rising Sun" and once he teaches her a verse she sings with him and it doesn't sound half bad. He leaves for bed and she plays a few chords of the song on her own and sings quietly, and with every note something drains from her heart and she feels...goddamn okay. More than okay. 

She heads to her room. She lays on her bed and something catches the corner of her eye. Tolu, small and wooden, standing on the windowsill, untouched since her last attempt at running away. She didn't even think to _bring_ it. She picks the trinket up and runs her fingers over it's grooves and edges. 

Something pulls her lips up at the same time sleep pulls her under. She dreams of an old house in New Orleans, wherever that is and whatever it may look like, and a young woman sewing blue jeans just like the song. 

_Anna, Anna._

_Mom._

 

"Rick," Ellie calls. "Where the fuck are the stirrups?" 

Rick emerges around the corner of Tolu's stall, wiping his hands with a dirtied washcloth. His lips screw up. "I might've borrowed yours and left them on Dexter last night." 

She mock-glares at him. "Dude, give 'em back."

"Alright, alright. Keep your shirt on, woman." He leaves her inside, laughing.

Ellie takes a brush in one hand and begins to stoke Tolu's mane, petting the smooth bridge of her nose with the other. She smiles as Tolu grunts, basking in the attention. What a ham. After giving her whole body a brush down she grabs a solid pick and brings the front hoof over her knee, scraping dirt from the bottom of it. She doesn't mind doing this. It gives her peace of mind.

When she's done with the hooves, and everything looks good, she walks out the stall and through the stables. "Rick!" 

No answer.

"Bring me the fucking--"

"--'s right around this way."

Ellie stops. June and her daughter, Lily, who clings to her leg like a monkey, emerge around the corner of the wooden stable. Rick, behind them, nods at Ellie.

"That's her." 

Words exit her mouth eventually ("hi there"), landing between all of them like a limp, wet fish. Awkward.

"Hello," June smiles at her. Her and her daughter have the same hair: shoulder length, raven-feather black, shiny from recent showers. But where the mother tucks her side bang over her ear, the little girl hides behind hers, her dark eyes staying on the ground except for when they flick to Tolu.

"Are you Ellie?" June asks.

"That's me." 

"Maria sent us over here, I hope you don't mind. She said you wouldn't."

"No, of course not. What can I do for you?" 

June looks down at her daughter and prods her gently. "Say it together?" 

"You can say it, I don't mind," Lily says absently, kicking her shoes on the dirt. June laughs softly. 

"Okay. She was wondering if you could give her a riding lesson." 

 

"Lesson" was a gentle way to put it, but Ellie and June got to talk a lot so it wasn't a bad time. It took awhile for Lily to approach Tolu, let alone touch her. She kept asking, "will it bite me?" and each time June would tell her no in the calmest voice Ellie'd ever heard. 

She was a good mom. And a good person.

"You got any family here?" June asks, watching Lily stroke the side of Tolu's stomach.

"I don't know," Ellie says, watching it too. She starts when she realizes she really said that out loud. June side-eyes her, not in an unkind way. "I mean," Ellie crosses her arms. "I do. At least, I feel like I do." 

"Well, hey. That's all you can ask for." 

"Mom," Lily says. "Horse."

"Yeah, it's a horse. She's very pretty."

Ellie walks over to hold Tolu steady, just in case she starts to get fidgety. Lily steps away when she comes near, retreating to the safety of her mother's leg, but after a few seconds she comes in close again. Ellie smiles at her. "I'm glad you guys get to stay with us." She tells June. 

"Me too. I don't know what we would've done." June crosses her arms, watching her daughter. "It's a tricky thing, asking for help. We have kids, so that helps, but trusting strangers isn't easy. Not today." 

"I can't even imagine a time where it was. Every time I try, I just...can't." 

June leans against the wall, her shoulders frail. Now that Ellie thinks about it, she looks exhausted. The white of her eyes look sprained, red coloring them like a map of river routes. "I was thirteen when the Cordyceps hit. I lived in New York City, but my dad and my brother and I were on 'vacation' in Florida."

Something comes back to her, words that entered her brain at one point in time. "The sunshine state."

"Yeah. How'd you know that?"

"I read it in a book once." 

"Reading...there's really nothing like it."

"Are you guys readers? We have a whole library of books." Much of which was curated by her personally, because frankly the three little shelves they had was not enough. 

"Lily  _loves_ reading," June continues. They both look at the little girl, still petting Tolu with reverance, ignoring them.

"Hey, Lily." Ellie asks, to get her to talk. "How old are you?" 

Silence. 

June pats her on the shoulder. "Hey. How old are you?"

"Thirty-three," Lily says, smiling at her own joke. Her eyes raise to Ellie, who purposely scrunches up her face in suspicion, and she starts to laugh freely. 

"Lily!" June gasps for show. It makes the girl laugh even harder. Ellie laughs with her. How could she not? Laughter looks fucking fantastic on such a young face. 

June reaches out and softly pulls Lily in front of her by the shoulders. "Alright. Come on, tell her." 

"Seven." 

Ellie whistles. "Wow. Y'know, I used to be seven. Wasn't nearly as cool as you, though." 

She squirms under the compliment. 

"Next time," Ellie nods at Tolu. "You should ride her." 

Almond eyes widen. "Now, mom?" 

"No," June intercedes. "We should get going. But soon. Start marchin', kiddo." Lily does, but stops, not quite ready to be rid of the horse. June takes the time to face Ellie, looking for once uncomfortable. 

"Will this be alright? It won't take too much of your time? Maria, she suggested we ask you. She thought you'd love doing it. But if it's too much of a burden..."

Ellie _pffs_. "Not at all. I'm usually free in the afternoons. Unless there's a hunt going on." 

"Okay." June smiles. "We'll talk about a time. Thank you. Say 'thank you, Ellie.'" 

"Thank you, Ellie." But Lily only has eyes for Tolu. Ellie can't blame her. 

She leaves the stables with them and watches them walk away, down a paved road, against the backdrop of Jackson. 

They fit right in. 

 

Her Converse thud against the porch steps and she wastes no time bounding through the door. "Hey!" she calls. Her voice rings in stillness. She calls again, this time up the stairs, but he's doesn't respond then either. 

Turning around the corner into the living room, she stops.

Joel's fallen asleep on the couch, with crossed arms and a tense set of shoulders. Since getting into Jackson, Ellie hasn't seen him nap once. But this is how he always slept, she remembers, when they were on the road. At times she'd watch him in the night, whenever she couldn't sleep, and she remembers it troubling her. The fact that this man, who never let his guard down in broad daylight, couldn't do it in his dreams either. 

It made a lot more sense, once she found out about Sarah. 

His face is pained, almost a grimace, his jaw wired tight. She debates approaching him.  _Does he want to be woken up? Will he get embarrassed?_ But his painful expression is painful to look at so she walks up to him anyway, touching his shoulder.

"Hey," she whispers. "Hey, you." 

His eyes open, but they remain unfocused for a moment, and in that moment his hand grips her wrist and he sits up, grunting. "Ellie--" He starts, as if she's not there. 

"Joel?" His eyes settle on her, finally. Unwavering. "I'm right here." 

He nods absently. He doesn't let go of her wrist, and Ellie doesn't pull it away. 

"It was a dream," He gets out. "Just a dream." 

"Of course." 

Then his fingers slide down the veins of her arm to the crease of her elbow, where she thinks he feels her pulse. He releases the tiniest breath of relief, holding tight before pulling away. She hesitates and hugs him. 

He, however, doesn't hesitate to hug her back. His palms cup her lower back and neck, pools of warmth on her chilled skin. She closes her eyes and rests against him, this guiding figure in her life, her partner, her friend.  

"There are things you don't come back from," Joel says low. He takes her by the shoulders and pulls away, keeping her at arm's length. "You understand?" 

Where should she fucking look? His eyes? The lines of his forehead? His salt-and-pepper hair? His eyes are the best bet if she wants to find answers. 

They don't disappoint. "Yes,"  _I understand_. 

The look there tells her everything there is to know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, we're heading into the third act here and things are gonna get a little crazy. Thank you for the support as always!


	16. Chapter 16

* * *

"You ever sleep?" 

It's a good question. " _Yeah_ , I sleep," she tells Joel, who's made himself at home against her doorway. "Why else do you think I'm such a joy to behold this early?"

"Just makin' sure." He says. He asks her what she's got in her hands. She holds up a comic book, the cover of which has two girls with their backs against a wall of brick, bleak shadows surrounding them. " _American Dreams_." 

"Looks riveting." He heads for the stairs. 

"Yeah, well, Earl says it's awesome," she calls after him. "And he knows his shit!" 

"Think you mean Earl's  _full_ of shit." He says, his voice fading with each step. She laughs to herself. 

The clock next to the bed reads seven thirty in the morning. Looking out the window, the sky's clearest it's ever been, sharp in the way of autumn. The tail end of the season brought with it some bite, and everyone dresses warmer, gearing for winter. Ellie's been up for the better part of an hour. 

The vote took place three weeks ago. 

Her comic lands on the bedspread where she tosses it and makes way for the stairs herself, a blue coat hung over her shoulders since Joel has yet to get the fire going. Having a house with two stories is hard. Unless the upstairs has its own fireplace, which is the case for some of Jackson's residents but not most, the second story can get fucking glacial. 

Joel, sure enough, is stoking small and timid flames when she comes down in socks. She heads straight for the kitchen and snags a granola bar to bite into. 

" _Oh_ ," Her face distorts. "Well, shit. These fucking suck." 

"Too bad," Joel calls, his voice wavering as he moves his arm around the fireplace. "Jodie Krawczyk made 'em. Gave 'em out to everybody on the street." 

"Somebody needs to tell her to get a new hobby." 

"I'll leave that to you." 

"Yeah, no thanks." 

"Fire's done." 

He joins her, picking up a bar of his own. He sinks his teeth into it with the same reluctance. "Well, shit is right." The granola is dull and dry, the raisins sour and gritty. They eat as much as possible because they're not fucking weaklings. She forces her bites down, her thoughts kept at bay by the grains on her tongue, the movement of her jaw as she chews them.

"Got any plans today?" She asks. 

"Helpin' Earl patch things up on the south wall. Tommy wants to talk about the fall picnic, too. Wants to have it before winter kicks in."

Ellie drums her fingers on the counter top. "That'll be fun. Definitely fun for the kids."  

Joel looks as if he wants to say something, but he closes his mouth in a very familiar way, like it's best unsaid for now. For some reason it fills her with a sense of foreboding.

Ellie changes the topic, because she doesn't want to hear whatever's in his head. "Heard there's a movie night coming up soon?" 

Judging by the crease between his eyes, Joel noticed. He doesn't dwell on it. "Actually, I know as much as you do about that. Tommy didn't ask me to set up the projector this time."

"Ugh-oh. You're losing your touch." 

"Maybe." His voice gets absent.

She sets down the rest of the godforsaken bar, too curious to stop herself. "What is it?"

"Just thinkin'," He admits. It's a step up from the norm, which is him shaking his head and grunting.

"Can I ask about what?" She asks teasingly. 

Braced for an uphill battle at the paused, restless look on his face, Ellie stops thinking straight when he simply admits, "You didn't take Tolu with you when you ran away." 

There are things she could be saying, logical responses and whatnot, but all she can hear in her head is _oh, shit fuck._

It's not like she assumed he believed her, about that "walk." But she assumed he wouldn't talk about it.

Well, she was wrong. 

It happens so fast. One minute they're discussing the shitty quality of a granola bar, and the next they're finally acknowledging something that's been looming between them like a dark cloud for some time, both of them too stubborn to seek shelter from the impending storm. _Now it's raining_ , she thinks with some trepidation.

"Didn't have time to get her." She says quietly. 

He shakes his head, a little too calm for her to feel out of harm's way. "No. I meant you didn't take the Tolu I made you." 

 _Shock numero dos_. She struggles for words, surprised he even noticed. She sees what it must have been like: him, opening her door after knocking on it, seeing Tolu on the windowsill, and her empty bed. 

Her eyes stay on her hands, more specifically her fingers and their short, ragged fingernails. She can feel his gaze on her face. She feels dissected, brought under the magnifying glass like her science class did with insects and small animals that one time. 

"I don't know what to say to you," Joel says after a while. She still doesn't raise her eyes. "Guess I never do. I wish it wasn't like that, but it is." He brushes a hand over his mouth, cupping his jaw. "I figured we could talk about it, if you like." 

Her laugh is more a huff than it is laughter, but not derisive. "I don't think there's anything to say."  _Lie. But talking about it is not such a good idea._

He looks annoyed at her answer, but also like it doesn't surprise him, and that annoys the shit out of her. "I figured as much from--" He doesn't finish, but he doesn't really have to.

"Were you about to say kid?" She demands. "That's how it is, Joel?" Because of all the things she feels and all the shit she deals with, being a _kid_ isn't one of them, not anymore. She remembers what it was like in Boston, when things were shitty but she was still young enough to believe in things like good luck, kept promises. And it hasn't been that way since she was fifteen.

He's always in such a hurry for her not to grow up, not knowing she already has. So eager for her to be unbroken, not knowing she already is. He makes her so fucking angry at times. He's not a man to kid himself, never has been. But he's damn good at kidding himself when it comes to her. 

"I'm nineteen years old. I can fend for myself, hunt for myself. I've killed people, same as you. I think I'm a fucking adult." She silently dares him to respond, to disagree. He does neither. Just looks at the ground to the side of her feet, looking pissed off and what can only be described as forlorn.

"You know what I think?" No surprise to either of them, Ellie keeps pressing. "I think you're scared." 

His answering sigh is heavy, through his nose. 

"You're scared of things, like everybody else. You're scared I'm going to leave. That Maria's going to out me. I'm not stupid. I see how you are around her sometimes." 

"You don't know the first--"

"But what you're scared of most of all, is me growing up. I have news for you: _it's already happened_." 

Joel shakes his head and looks the other way. Then he looks at her with resolve.

"That what you think, Ellie? Think you know me well enough?" 

"I think I know you pretty fuckin' well. Yeah." 

He laughs derisively. "The world didn't start turning the day I met you, girl. I got thirty-odd years on you." 

She spreads her arms, an attempt at compensating for their differences in height and size. Not that it matters, because her voice is as sure and strong as his. "I was _born_ in this." 

"That make you special?"

"It sure doesn't make me a kid." 

He braces both hands on the kitchen counter. The muscles in his forearms tighten. "You ain't a kid, but you still got a whole lot to learn. You still got things you don't understand." 

"I know enough. I could make it on my own."

"So you think you're leavin'? That supposed to be a threat hangin' over my head?" 

" _No_ , I don't want to. All I'm _saying_ \--" 

Joel grunts _,_  "You go, I follow. Simple as that." 

"Well, I'm glad everything's so fucking easy for you." It's not easy for anyone, she knows it same as he does, but Joel has his priorities in strict order and that, almost above all else, is a lucky thing. She can't fault him for it, although she wants to.  

Where _her_ priorities lie, she doesn't fucking know. 

The balance between what she wants and what she feels obligated to do is like her own plague. Whether Joel understands that or not it's not easy to say, and she often switches back and forth between thinking he's the only one in the world who knows her and he's just like all the others. Maybe that's where their problems lie. 

"Something's got to change," Joel's rough voice colors the room. "I don't want to holler at you every time we talk." 

"Then stop bringing up shit like this, and it won't happen." She glares at him. He glares back.

"You're angry with me, and I understand." 

_No fucking shit I'm angry with you._

But it's more than that, and it's important to communicate that with him or she might blow up. "I'm _angry_ and I don't know why." She puts her head in her hands and raises her voice. "It's not all the time. But I'm _so_ angry at you, at them. I wish I wasn't, it's impossible not to be, and I hate it. I'm...agh. I hate what happened, what you fucking did." 

"I know. I understand."

She releases a frustrated sound that comes from her throat. "You love saying that."

Joel crosses his arms above his chest, over soft-feeling but rough-looking flannel. He nods slowly, under the weight of a sudden idea in his head. "Okay, alright then. You and me, we're gonna sit down and have a talk about it. I don't care of it takes all fuckin' day, this town can manage without the two of us for a while." 

"If I say no?"

"Then you say no and we don't talk about it. We keep at each other's throats, argue every five seconds about somethin' happened four years ago." 

This is four fucking years too late and she barely stops herself from shouting that at him, maybe saying it bitingly in a normal voice, but he's right, too. There is a cycle of ups and downs between them, and she's sick and tired of the downs. They're exhausting, they leave her feeling like a piece of shit. For four years she's been mad at Joel for choosing not to listen, for trying to keep a perfect picture in his head, but it's not all on him. He's got to listen, but she's got to share. 

"Okay." She says. 

 

She won't lie: it's hard. 

She tells Joel about Riley, almost skirting around the whole being in love with her part of it, deciding not to in the end. Her chest slowly unwinds after being locked up for so long when Joel nods and looks at her to continue. Never missing a beat.

She tells him her version of the events four years past: she almost drowns, she wakes up in the back of a completely foreign car in a hospital gown, and he tells her everything was for nothing. At the time, it was her worst nightmare come true; maybe it still is. It took a long time before she felt anything past the inadequacy. His eyes soften at that part. 

Then she tells him why she thinks her fury with him hasn't dissipated all the way, hashing out her thoughts as she goes. Voicing it out loud feels fucking terrifying. 

"That was my shot." She breathes. "That was my shot, Joel, to do something fucking good. All of them deserved so much better. And when I think of people, who will die, all of them--" Her voice breaks, "Knowing I could've stopped it, it makes me want to do it all over."

"You can't," Joel tells her. "It's done, but I don't believe that was your last shot, Ellie. It ain't your last shot." 

She scoffs in the kitchen chair. "Nothing will ever come close to it." 

"Maybe. But your life doesn't end with them. You hear me?" He leans forward, commanding her space. "Your story's not done yet." 

She looks at him, doesn't cry. "You think that."

He smiles at her. Not a full one, a Joel one. "I thought that first time I met you." Imaginary alarm bells sound in her mind; she tries to shut them up because she doesn't need to be told how close she is to spilling tears. She steels herself and smiles back.

"I was a little shit to you."

He laughs. "Only 'cause I was an asshole." 

"You still are an asshole."  _But you are mine._

Joel sobers and raises his hand to place on her cheek. She leans into his touch, the rough callouses of his palms like a warm bed after a long day. 

"You know," she says, leaning away. He drops his hand. "We're both pretty stupid."

"That so?" His smile is hidden. 

" _Oh_ , yeah."

"Joel!" Tommy's shout comes from the front room. Ellie and Joel start, sharing a brief look of alarm before nearly sprinting out of their seats to the foyer. "Fuckin' shit," They see Tommy bent over, breathing harshly.

"What? What is it?" Joel skids up and looks over his brother's shoulder, through the open door. Ellie cranes her head to look with him. _Bandits? Infected? Mutiny-?_

Tommy heavy breathing turns into laughter, and his eyebrows raise. "Sorry I caught you off guard. I can't find the projector." 

Ellie and Joel both feel immense relief. After that thaws out, Joel steps forward and pushes Tommy in the chest, a movement probably calling back to their childhood. 

"Fuckin' hell." He looks righteously pissed, maybe amused. 

"Fuckin' hell's right, if we don't find the goddamn thing." 

"The projector's missing?" Ellie asks. 

"Maria and I both think the other's misplaced it. If I did, I can't remember."

"Well, let's start lookin'." 

Tommy turns and descends the porch steps, giving Ellie and Joel one last quiet moment alone.

Joel watches him leave before turning to her. "You good?" 

"Yeah," she smiles, "I'm good." 

She follows him out into midday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uncharted 4 is out today!! I can't even ajfksucnrjg


	17. Chapter 17

"Okay. So go ahead." Ellie stands back and crosses her arms, holding her elbows. 

Lily sits rigid on Tolu, looking like a piece of petrified wood. If Ellie were to gently push one shoulder, her whole body would go toppling over the saddle, and her confidence with it. It's taken solong for her to be comfortable around the barn--the last thing she needs is that kind of discouragement. 

So Ellie takes it slow.

"You won't fall, I got you. Promise." She smiles, and Lily smiles, even if it takes some effort on her part. "I'm right here. Go ahead." 

Lily takes a steadying breath and clicks her tongue against her teeth like Ellie taught her. Tolu begins at a slow saunter. Small hands clutch the reigns until the knuckles turn white, and an impossibly rigid form becomes stiffer. "You're doing great," Ellie says as she walks alongside her. "Do you want to stop?"

"No," Lily blurts. She sets her face and her little shoulders relax an inch. It's better than her screaming, scaring the shit out of the horse. Ellie just doesn't want to screw this experience up.

After a few rounds around the pen, Ellie asks, "You feel like you can pick up the pace?" 

"I think so." 

"Okay. Just tell her." 

Lily makes the noise again twice. Tolu begins to trot. Ellie stands in the middle of the circle, turning as needed, ready to intervene if called for. 

"I'm doing it!" Lily smiles. Her grip doesn't loosen, but something in her face and shoulders does. 

"Nice!" Ellie calls.

The day is grey, mist rolling off the meaty shoulders of the mountains and the skin and bones of pine trees. Tolu's hooves mark the spongy ground, making divots, marring the smooth plains of once cold flat dirt. Ellie looks off to the East, where a cluster of snowcapped mountains sit, shrouded from clear view. It's a beautiful sight that for some reason makes her pull her coat closer to her body. 

"Ellie," Lily says. Ellie's gaze returns to her. "I could fall." Lily's tone certainly doesn't convey worry. Ellie suspects ( _no_ , she knows) that she's just being a ham. 

"Tolu and I won't let you fall. Don't worry, short round." She's taken to calling her that ever since Jackson showed  _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_ the previous month. It's a cute nickname that doesn't really fit but she likes using it.

Lily thinks it's  _no bueno_. "Does it have to be that one?"

"Yep," Ellie crosses her arms. "That's the one, I'm afraid."

"Is it because I'm Chinese?" 

Ellie laughs. "No. It's not because you're Chinese." She pauses. "Do you want me to stop calling you it?" 

"No. It's okay."

"Okay."

Lily squints her eyes under the startling white of the sky, her dark hair clinging to her forehead. She looks somewhere beyond the barn. "Everyone's gone." 

"They're just getting more wood for winter. They'll be back soon."

"It's cold." 

"Yeah. Imagine how cold _they_ are. They're fine, though," she's quick to add that, knowing that some of Lily's party has gone along with the group. Joel, too. Ellie wanted to come, but in her mind refusing Lily a lesson is like refusing a blanket to a cold puppy, suffice to say impossible, so she decided to stick it out in Jackson. 

They're fine here. Even if the abnormal stillness in the roads and some of the houses is creepy. Which is ridiculous, because it's not like the group's gone far out, and it's just for the better part of the day. They're merely chopping down trees and doing "mens' work," as Joel called it earlier that morning, looking to rile her up. (It worked.)

"It's only a little scary," Lily admits, looking at the horse, her voice carrying relief.  

"Not bad at all, right?" Ellie walks up to Tolu and rubs a powerful shoulder, the skin leather under her fingertips. She walks alongside them for a while, slowing the pace down, kicking up dirt with her boots.

"Can I go faster?"

"Ah, let's just stick to this speed for now." This last thing she needs is this kid getting a concussion. 

Lucky for everyone, Lily seems content to just circle around the pen, sometimes leaning down to hug Tolu's neck or crane her neck to look at something far off. Ellie switches between watching the ground in front of them and watching the sky. 

"Hey. How's your family doing?"

Lily, normally very reserved when it comes to talking about _anything_ , is distracted enough to answer. "I think they're okay. Uncle Justin doesn't like it here."

 _Justin_. _.._ ah, June's brother. The same guy who mouthed off to Tommy outside the front gate.  "He doesn't like it here?"

"No, I don't think so. I heard him talking to mom. He says to leave before they get here." 

Ellie stops, halting Tolu in the process. Time seems to stop as well. "What?" 

"Do I have to get off?" 

"No, Lily--before who gets here?" 

Lily looks down at Ellie as if for the first time, and Ellie sees the fear widening her irises. Lily shrinks under her gaze, her eyes moving downward. She almost looks paralyzed.

"Hey," Ellie's puts a hand on her knee. "If it's something dangerous, then it's really important that you tell me."

"Not allowed to talk about it."

"You won't get in trouble, I promise you. I won't be mad." 

"That's what he said," she whispers. "Then he hurt a lot of people." 

"Who?" Ellie finds herself whispering too. Dread, dread is back, a feeling that sticks to the inside of her chest.

Suddenly, there are footsteps approaching the fence. Ellie whips her head around, her hand tightening on Tolu's reigns, only to see Rick coming up with a pail of water. His smile quickly capsizes, seeing them both pale as sheets. 

"Hey," He sets the bucket down and pauses. "Everyone alright?" 

"Yeah, yeah we're fine. Lily just scared me for a sec, is all." She clears her throat. "Lily, let's get you home to your mom." 

Lily lets herself be hoisted off the saddle. She's become a mute. Ellie takes her hand and guides her out of the pen, calling for Rick to leave Tolu outside, and they head off toward the adjoining street. They walk in silence for a while, until she's certain they're out of anyone's earshot, and Ellie stops her gently. She crouches to her knees, holding a little arm in one hand. 

She realizes Lily is trembling. 

"Hey," Ellie softens her own expression. "You're not in trouble. How could a kid like you be in trouble? You're too awesome." 

Lily's lip quivers. 

"I'm not mad. No one's going to get hurt, I promise." 

The girl's voice cracks and it's painful to hear. "Don't promise." 

"Okay, okay, I won't promise." 

Lily squeezes her eyes shut. It makes Ellie just as sad and scared. She envelopes the girl in her arms, slowly so as not to scare her more, and holds her to her chest. Lily drops her head on her shoulder and sobs with her mouth open. Ellie holds her hair. 

_This poor kid._

Ellie's eyes dart around, and suddenly she is very afraid. Not only for the girl in her arms, but for Jackson. She doesn't quite know what the fuck this means, and asking Lily for more than she can give would be cruel. What the fuck should she do then? Is there enough time to think it over? 

 _Yes_.  _Yes there is. It's been quiet for this long_. She's got time. Time to talk to Maria, at least. 

"Shit." She mutters under her breath. She has to take Lily home; that means facing June, who at this point has become the center of whatever shit mystery is going on here. She could ask Rick to take her home, but when she makes to pull away and Lily clings to her, she realizes that isn't an option.

Putting both hands on Lily's shoulders, where they seem to swallow up her small frame, she pulls away. 

"Okay. Listen," She's about to tell Lily that her family can't know she knows. She's about to ask something very big of her, to keep it a secret, when she sees Lily is having a hard enough time not shaking. Ellie feels her arms slip off her shoulders, realizing it wouldn't be fair. 

Light snow is just starting to fall when Ellie stands up with her in her arms, heading for the house. Lily's stopped crying, breathing loudly through her clogged nose. The panic attack is over.

It's not the first snowfall of the year, but as the kid starts to calm down, her head resting on Ellie's shoulder, she raises a skinny arm to catch the flakes. It's pretty fucking amazing, the way children choose to cope.

As light as Lily is, Ellie finds herself out of breath after a while. She doesn't put her down though.

"We're almost to your mom. Look, there's your house." Lily doesn't respond, just remains limp in her arms. 

She ascends the porch steps and knocks on the door three times. June doesn't answer.

Bones does.

_Oh, for fuck's sake._

His face falls at the sight of Lily in Ellie's arms. "What happened?"

"She's okay, everyone's good." Ellie doesn't hesitate to place her in Bone's outstretched embrace. Lily goes willingly to her grandfather, resting her head on his shoulder as she did before. "Just had a little scare with the horse." 

The lie doesn't sit well in her mouth. She itches to get off the porch, go find Maria, make sense of what's happened. 

Bones nods, but she can't help but get the feeling he knows something's amiss, with both of them. He smiles lightly, but there's trouble in his eyes.

"Thank you for bringing her here. You carried her quite a ways." 

"It was nothing." She puts her hands in her pockets, having no other useful place for them.

"You're Ellie." 

"Yeah, I don't think we've talked before."

"Joel's...daughter?"

"Ah, no." 

"I thought not."

"You talked to him?" 

Bones shifts Lily to his side. "Well," he coughs, "I ran into him outside. He introduced himself, introduced you. Told me to make myself at home."

"I hope it's been nice here for your family." Ellie's heart is galloping. 

"It's more than we could've asked for." 

She nods. "Well, I should--" 

Bones' arm, the one not holding Lily, reaches for her. She stands stock still when his fingers touch her jacket sleeve. "If you're curious," his voice, while low and gravelly before, somehow drops an octave. "The best thing to do is ask me, or any one of us." 

Ellie walks off the porch and doesn't look back. 

It's only just before turning away from the door that she sees the scar on Lily's neck, hidden beneath her hair where it meets her shoulder. It looks like a burn.

 

 

"Reggie." Maria holds the walkie talkie to her mouth, one hand holding the edge of her dining room table. She stands over a drawn map of Jackson. "The western side of the perimeter is where we're weakest. Any scraps we find need to be put to use somewhere round there." 

"Well that's great," Reggie, Earl's right-hand man, crackles on the other end, "But if we don't build another watch tower over there it won't make a difference." 

"That's not what we should be focusing on."

"I can only put two or three folks at a time in that thing." 

"Then we'll build platforms along the top. But we can't..." She sighs and puts a hand on her head. "We'll talk about this when my husband gets back. I feel like we're blind over there."

"That's because we are."

"Yeah, well. Over and out." 

She sets the walkie talkie down on the table and bends over the map like she's trying to dissect it. Ellie raps on the wall so she doesn't startle her.

Fail. Maria jumps and swears, smirking when she sees who it is. "Hey, Ellie." 

"Hey. So, I need to talk to you. Something important."

"No kidding." Maria's smirk turns into a frown. "Something going on?" 

_Y-e-s._

Even before she speaks Ellie can tell the words will come out shaky. They don't disappoint. "I helped June with riding lessons earlier, and--oh, shit..." she trails off and curses under her breath.

"What?"

"Lily told me something--" 

"Maria," Earl's voice sounds on the radio. Both of them glare at the device. 

"Busy now, Earl. Over and--" 

"We spotted smoke, I repeat, we spotted smoke." 

It takes them ten minutes to get across town, where Earl and his crew take watch on the wall. They climb up the latter to the guard tower. Maria nearly swipes the binoculars from him and follows the point of his finger, where even without any help Ellie can see a column of smoke far off, nestled in between mountains. 

"Doesn't look like a bonfire," Maria observes. 

"Looks like trouble." Earl adds. He nods at Ellie. "How's it going,"

"Oh, same old," Ellie's eyes stay glued on the smoke, twisting ominously like a gnarled hand. "Should we call everyone back in?" 

"I don't know," Maria says slowly, her eyes narrowed. "I don't know what this is." 

"All the more reason to get them inside the wall." 

 "Agreed," Earl nods. "I don't fucking like this." 

"Alright. Tommy's got a radio, I'll bring 'em back." Maria steps away across the platform, her body tense. Ellie's eyes stay on the smoke, uneasiness twisting in her stomach.  _Shit. She didn't get it out. She has to tell them_.  _Now would be the time, idiot._

Earl beats her to the punch, leaning over the rail beside her. "D'you think this is good, or bad? Because it's either or, can't be in between."

She smirks half-heartedly at him. "I don't know. That's what fucking scares me."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, we're almost there. I think six more chapters (at the most) and we're done. Thanks for kudos/comments!
> 
> Next chapter will be up next week since I'm fucking DONE with school!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry....I repent for my sins. I have literally had 3/4 of this chapter written since a month ago, it just took so painstakingly long to get past the final hurdle. Life is happening too, which...y'know, happens.
> 
> Recap in case you forgot! Lily said something really weird, Ellie and Maria spotted smoke, Joel is out with folks on a good old fashioned firewood haul. Shit's f'ed up.

They set off around eight o’clock in the morning, and he can feel Ellie watching from the front window, her eyes a soft pressure on his back. He doesn't turn back to look at her. He’s got a whole day before he sees her again, might as well cut the tether now.

They leave the gate, forty of them in all, and head into the chilled morning. His brother walks ahead of him with a few others, their chatter startling birds off the branches overhead. They all laugh at a dry joke, and Joel watches, amused. 

Tommy didn't used to be the way he is now. Of the two of them, he was the one with less charisma, the one who had trouble holding his own in a crowd of people. Joel wasn't an expert either, but he'd turned an adult when Tommy was twelve and had to know the world a lot better. Now, seems things got switched around. Tommy is the worldly man--people have to look up to see him, even if he's the kind of leader who thinks everyone's on even ground. But with that comes the weight of the world on his shoulders, and Joel doesn't envy him his place.

He turns his head every once in a while and watches the wet, dead trees as they pass. No sounds beyond, just fall birds and branches snapping under foot.

“You remember that, Joel?” Tommy’s voice brings him out of it.

“What’s that?”

“What did I tell you,” Tommy says to Luke. “He don’t pay attention.”

“Not when you talk,” Joel says. It gets a laugh from all of them.

“I said remember that pond we used to go to when we were kids, that snapping turtle who bit some kid’s ass? Had to go to the hospital to get stitches, poor sonofabitch.”

He doesn’t remember the kid’s name. That’s faded with time. If he recalls, the ass in question got bit because of a dare...Tommy's dare.

“Oh yeah, bet you feel real bad about that kid. You should'a paid half the hospital bill.” He says to his brother, who laughs.

They get to the clearing a mile out. Tree stumps litter the manmade field, powerful things brought right to the dirt. Those who can wield axes and saws have them, and others carry tarps to load the wood. They make short work of setting up and then Joel is cutting into a trunk with his brother and one other. Teams are evenly spaced so a tree doesn’t crush any of them.

Joel asks Tommy if that’s happened before. He says once.

It’s a long few hours. Joel likes the work and the sweat. 

Around noon, a signal comes in from Tommy’s radio, who walks away to answer it. Joel hears Maria’s voice on the other end but doesn’t hear what she’s saying. He sees Tommy's face, blank with surprise, and stops swinging.

“Hey,” Tommy shouts. Groups near enough to hear stop and listen.

“They spotted smoke to the East. We gotta go back, tell the others.”

 _Smoke,_  the word rattles off the walls of his head, sticking to nothing. Smoke could mean a lot of things, or nothing at all--either way, something. Joel would like to drop the axe and start his ass jogging, but he waits. He follows Tommy to the laid out tarps, already loaded with a hard few hours’ worth of logs. The tarps are blue, striking out against the muted ground. 

“We’ll have to finish this later,” Tommy mutters. “Take what’s gotten done and hurry the hell back.”

“No.” Joel puts his hands on his hips. "We should just leave it." 

Tommy mimics him, though not intentionally Joel knows, as he's done it since they were young. "Alright." And that's that. War counsel is over. “Smoke,” he says, likes he’s trying to solve a puzzle in his head. Joel’s doing the same thing.

“Smoke,” he affirms.

 

Ellie and Maria stand side by side on the platform, looking out. The cold and the fog aren’t doing them any favors, and soon the smoke column starts to disappear behind it. Ellie finds herself unwilling to take her eyes off, afraid she'll lose it in the haze.

“So I asked her how her family was doing, you know, if they liked it here. She said her uncle Justin didn’t.”

“Justin,” Maria repeats. “The angry jerk.”

“Exactly. I go, ‘he doesn’t like it here?’ and she says, ‘he wants to leave before _they_ get here.’”

Maria turns on her, her eyes worried. “What else she say about it?”

“Nothing,” Ellie stammers. Earl’s looking at her, too. She hates this news and hates to share it. “I couldn’t get anything out of her, Maria. I took her back to Bones, then came straight to you.”

“Oh hell,” Maria grits her teeth.

Earl puts his head in his hands. “What a shit show. I need a goddamn cigarette.” He descends the latter, Ellie wanting to follow right after him. The nagging voice in her head wonders: had she made a mistake? Should she've taken Lily directly to them afterwards? It all seems stupid now, the way she handled it. She bumps her fist to her forehead, like a toddler.

Maria fidgets, too. “We need to go to them now. This could be them.”

“Sure,” Ellie offers quickly, “Or it’s the guys they were running away from, and Justin was thinking they’d be followed here.”

“Ellie,” Maria says, shaking her head. “You could be right, but if you’re not...I’m thinking it’s more like we’ve gotten ourselves dragged into a big fucking mess.”

“You mean a Trojan horse type thing?” 

“Maybe.” Her grey eyes narrow in thought. She brings the radio to her lips, reaching another channel. “Esther, come in.”

A long few seconds pass. “What is it, hon?”

“Gather ten folks and bring them to town hall. Don’t do anything, just wait for me. Ten or so people.”

“Roger that. Why?”

“Tell you there.” Maria starts for the ladder. She pauses seeing Ellie, unmoving and looking out, where the source of the trouble is growing barely visible under the cover of fog. Leaning over the rail, strands of her ponytail timidly graze her neck.

“Why would they light a fire so close?” She murmurs aloud. “Either they don’t know we’re here...or they want us to see.”

“Or they’re stupid.” Maria offers, perched on the first rung. “We gotta move, Ellie.” She disappears from view.

Ellie’s gaze lowers to the tree line, some bows rendered lifeless by the changing seasons but still providing thick cover. She wills Joel to emerge from it, preferably intact, imagining the lift of his gaze as he somehow finds her on the watchtower. She pictures Tommy emerging right after him, following his brother's line of sight because they haven't stopped looking at one another. "It's alright," he'll say, "We lit a small fire. It was us." Then they'll come through the gates, with lots of wood, and Jackson will resume it's regularly scheduled programming. 

Nothing wrong.

Ellie can't say she's surprised it doesn't happen. 

 

It takes them too long to get back home. Even with the wood abandoned and the pace hurried, they still don't move fast enough. No one speeds ahead in the interest of sticking together.

Tommy keeps the beat with Maria. “They’re bringing Bones and his group to the town hall.” Then, “It’s going well, they’re cooperating.” His words hang thick, rippling among the group, silencing even the most talkative.

Joel wishes to god Ellie had a radio of her own. He knows she’s with Maria, but there’s a difference between hearing someone’s alright and seeing it. _Fuck_.

A break in the pines reveals the first glimpse of the gate. They’re almost there, fifty yards away. Forty. Twenty. Ten.

Scouts on the wall usher them in, iron doors opening with a somber clank. Others wait for them on the inside, mainly families. "Town hall" is repeated over and over and Joel starts to jog ahead to get there.

"Joel!" Tommy calls after him. People are bottlenecked at the gate. "We need to talk to Earl." 

"Ellie," is all he says by way of explanation. His brother gets it, waving him away. 

The streets are pretty much abandoned as Joel makes his way to the center of town. He has for company the sounds of his boots hitting the hard packed dirt and the axe still held in his fist. He stops walking, huffing at himself, and sets it against a porch railing. Not because he doesn't think it'll be useful, but because he has a gun in his belt. He fingers it beneath his jacket and the tail of his shirt.

Long before he reaches the town hall, he hears the arguing. The shouts rise out of the building like heat on mud, making his hackles raise. In quick strides he reaches the door, shoving it open. 

It's a mess. Voices climbing over each other, and the people themselves looking like they aren't far off. Joel glances from one red face to another, searching for Ellie among them. He spots her in the center of it, standing next to Maria, her finger pointed in Justin's face--the man he never once trusted. Justin glares at her, his eyes black and his mouth looking likely to snarl. Seeing it, Joel's blood rises, and he pushes through the crowd for them. 

Some of the faces he passes are... _expressive_ , others just frozen, gaunt white. Few stay silent, twice as many shouting their throats hoarse. It's a miracle no brawls have broken out yet, but Joel knows it'll reach that level soon.

"...you think it's ridiculous, that's not my problem," Ellie is saying as he approaches, loud enough to be heard over the cacophony in the room. "What's fucking bullshit is you keeping secrets from the people who let you in." 

"You don't know what you're talking about." Justin says. Lily, the woman he has seen twice at most, puts a guarding hand on her brother's chest. "Justin,  _stop it_." Maria has her hand on Ellie's shoulder too, to pull her back should Justin move forward.

Joel steps up behind them, and his fingers hold Ellie's left elbow. He lets go when she turns and looks at him.  

"What's goin' on?" He asks them both. 

Maria opens her mouth to speak, but it's Justin's voice that fills the space between them. 

" _She_  heard something _insignificant_ , and everyone went crazy." His voice drips with disdain. Joel feels his lip curling. "And now you're all jumping to conclusions. Sheep over the cliff."

Ellie laughs, more of a huff. "You started the fight. You don't push a person who just wants answers." 

"We don't have anyanswers. This is a fucking biased jury."

"Hey dickwad, they're  _scared_ \--" Maria steps ahead of her, and Ellie back off, feigning disinterest. Joel ignores the urge to put his hand where Maria's was, to keep her glued here, on the floor, long enough for her temper to cool. That's not how they work.  

Maria faces Justin, impatient, but an improvement from Ellie. "Talk. What does this mean?" 

"Lily says things, she has a big imagination. It scares her sometimes."

"You're not helping your case here. Does this man or does he not exist?"

"Yes, we told you about him," June says, almost desperately. "She has dreams about him coming back. Almost every night. It's not a lie."

"Nightmares." Maria doesn't sound at all convinced, but Ellie pauses and really looks at June, never much of a skeptic when it comes to the kid. Joel knows this. 

"Yes, nightmares. It's not just her--all of us, at some point..." Justin turns to the side and glares at his sister; if looks could wither, his would, but she goes ahead. "He did terrible things, and he's still out there somewhere. Please, this isn't us." 

Joel takes a moment to ask so only Ellie can hear, "What happened?"

Ellie turns to him, having to lift her head, her green eyes pinched. "Lily told me something. About how her uncle wants to leave before someone gets here."

"Someone."

Ellie shakes her head,  _I don't fucking know_. 

Maria seems at a loss for what to say, and angry about it. She glares at the wood floor and Justin glares at her, while June's eyes are wide enough to take in the entire world. Joel studies her, and deeply troubled by her sincerity, clears his throat.

"You should realize that between your daughter and the smoke, it's hard to trust you right now."  

"We do, we do realize." 

He doesn't like the desperate note in her voice, either. Joel nods at her brother. "Then tell Justin here to calm down." 

"We're all just confused. It's alright." And June wraps her hand around Justin's arm, neither gripping nor tugging him backward, just holding still like a deer caught in headlights. 

"Where's Bones?" Maria asks. 

Like clockwork, all of them turn their heads and glance behind, where Bones stands at the other end of the room, placating a heated argument. Joel recognizes the Jackson resident, heading over immediately. He feels Ellie a hair's breath away from his back. She murmurs something disdainfully, he doesn't quite catch what. 

"Ted," he calls. 

Asshole Ted looks over from his wild gesticulations and shakes his head. "Fucking liars and thieves." Joel is shaking his head before he even finishes talking. 

"Cool down." He looks over at Bones. "We gotta talk." 

"Of course we do." Bone's tired gaze drifts to his children, then somewhere across the room, and Ellie knows it's for his grandchildren, wherever they may be. Probably thinking about his family, all the risks they took to come here.

"This should be kept...civilized. In private?" 

Joel gestures at Maria. "She's the one to ask."

 

Five minutes in, facing Bones and his family, Ellie realizes she hasn't seen Lily or her brother Jack once in the past hour. Granted, it was hard to see anything past her frustration at Justin, but the kids weren't anywhere in sight, she's sure of it. Maybe someone else was with them just outside the building. That kind of environment would've been no good for them, anyway. 

In here, tension and distrust coat the walls like paint. And sure, Ellie considers herself laid-back, maybe more trusting than the average guy, but even she feels her good disposition towards them start to sour. The way they talk is either too calm or too hurried; the truth barely there one minute and then miles away the next. It's fucking disorienting. Joel's the most angry, and therefore the most calm. 

The two of them stand side by side, two radios on the same wave length. Ellie shifts, so does he. He takes a step forward, she does too. 

"Alright, here's what it comes down to." Tommy bends over his dining room table and studies it, and though there's nothing there, the scratches and marks provide a map of their own. "Ellie, what did Lily say to you?" 

Of all the pairs of eyes that slide to her, she feels June's the most. She doesn't look up. "She said, 'Uncle Justin doesn't like it here. He wants to leave beforesomeone gets here.' I asked her who, and she froze up. That's all." 

"And ya'll think," Tommy nods at them, "this is the man who hunted your group a while back, took out your people."

"It is," June says. "That's not a lie."

"You don't know him? He's not one of yours?"

"No." Justin says.  

"We want to believe you. I'm hopin' all that smoke is, is smoke."

"But you can't be sure," Bones says. "So, where does that leave us?" 

_Good question._

"Are we talking exile?" Justin's voice, for the first time, is afraid. Ellie stares at him, trying to gauge his what the ever loving hell is going on inside this guy that makes him so unpredictable. What does he even want? 

Maria must sense the escalated fear in the room, because she steps in. "No. No exile." And as if to prove her point, she looks at Joel, who has said few choice words and not much else. She does not look at Tommy, sure of her husband's vote. Joel is the wildcard here. 

Astonishing all of them, he agrees, "No exile." His eyes, grey in the midday light, travel to Justin, where they harden into cement. "We come to regret that decision, you'll be the first to know." 

Justin nods under the weight of his look. Bones exhales tiredly. 

"What's going to happen, then?" 

"You'll be watched, plain and simple." Tommy steps to his brother's level, looking proud and commanding in his boots. "Not one of you leaves without proper clearance. One of us sees one of you trying to communicate with anyone outside this town, we'll end up back here." 

"That's fair." June says. She nods at Justin hopefully. "Fair?"

He coughs. "Yes. Dad?"

"Of course." After a pause, their father's gravelly voice takes on a deep sincerity, a bit clogged with emotion. "Thank you."

His eyes don't skip over Ellie, as some tend to do when addressing the four of them. They give hers equal time, and she sees the gravity in them, the light hope.

"We like you guys," she hears herself saying. "We want you here." 

Bones offers her a kind, small smile. 

"Oh, Ellie," June's eyes water. She holds out her hand, and Ellie takes it. As sure as June's hand clasps hers, so does relief within her chest. 

Things could turn out alright. 


End file.
